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i think im inlove with someone else

(40 Posts)
blondy38 Sun 09-Aug-15 17:10:10

firstly,please dont bash me over this,i cant help how i feel, right ive been with my husband for 14 years,we have 4 children,i have never looked at another man whilst ive been with him,and thought in a way i was happy, i also cant see my life without him,but a few years before we even met,i was inlove with someone else,nothing happened,and due to things at that time couldnt, we have found each other on facebook,and have been chatting about anything and everything everyday since, hes single and had no children,he sais he still loves me, my head is completely in ruins,hes all i think about,i keep imagining me running away with him,would i be happy,would i not,would it be the worst possible thing i could ever do,my husband really does not deserve this,and deserves better than me,all my friends are now divorced and single parents,i felt lucky i wasnt,but now i want him,or think i do, or is it the attention,or the not noing, my life is so depressing at the moment,that ive been wanting to leave anyway,even for a week to see how i really feel i just dont no what to do

goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 17:45:19

Do you communicate with your dh in the same manner that you do with the guy your imagination is running riot with? If not, why not?

You're using this guy to stroke your ego and you're best advised to start stroking your dh's before you make a complete twat of yourself and cause untold harm to your 4 dc.

Twinklestein Sun 09-Aug-15 17:53:22

Is he even up for taking on the role of father to 4 angry, hurt children with no prior parenting experience?

Compare the fantasy of running away with the reality of your life if you dumped your husband for him.

sleepsoftly Sun 09-Aug-15 18:18:56

He could be your 'soulmate'. Anything's possible. But the probability is that if you embark on a relationship with him, you will tear your family apart, your kids, your husband, you may find that the other man is not still in love with you (for the last 14 years either, that's a bit hmm) that you discover he and life and your emotions are not the same, it will all fizzle out and you find that you liked the idea of him but that's that, and you will destroy the person you once did know in him, and he might just be after you for sex anyway. Whether or not you choose to work on your relationship and why it's not working for you is the most pressing matter, not this conduit that appears before you. Certainly don't blame your husband for deserving someone better than you, that is a cop out. Don't forget about your children either - there are four who will pick up the pieces if you leave. Whatever happens if you leave, there will be change.

nequidnimis Sun 09-Aug-15 18:19:33

There was nothing wrong with your marriage or your DH until this man appeared on the scene, so I'm incredulous that you'd consider giving up your whole life for someone you haven't seen in person for at least 14 years.

Anyone can sound perfect in text messages, you have no real idea who he is now, or what his life has been like in the intervening years.

He could be telling you anything, and having fun doing it because he's single and has nothing to lose.

You think this guy will rescue you from your humdrum life, but a year from now you could be looking at him across the breakfast table and wondering what the hell you've done.

afink Sun 09-Aug-15 18:19:50

This is limerance, not real love - I'm pretty sure of it. You have no idea what he's really like now as you haven't seen him for so many years. He's presenting what you want to see online. It could be real, but he could be painting a far rosier picture than the reality. Also, how on earth can he know if he still loves you when he hasn't seen you for so long? It's fantasy, and an obsession that grows and feels more real the longer it carries on, because talking to someone (albeit online) and feeling that they truly understand you and love you is a pleasant feeling that makes you want it more.

You need to ask yourself honestly if there are any issues in your marriage that have made you want to enter into this emotional affair (because that's what it is) and address them instead of fantasising about someone who doesn't really exist.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I have been there too, and it's better to be blunt about it, I think.

sleepsoftly Sun 09-Aug-15 18:20:34

You just don't know what that change will be.

It will be out of your control and potentially irreversible.

50shadesofmeh Sun 09-Aug-15 18:35:29

hes in love with the person he knew back before you had 4 kids, sorry to be harsh but its true.

nequidnimis Sun 09-Aug-15 18:51:02

Just think what your new life will be like - your new DP will have as many imperfections and issues as your current DH, you'll still have bills to pay and four kids to run after.

But your devastated kids will be shuttling between two houses, you will be dealing with the opinions and judgements of friends and family, and feeling pretty guilty about your ex-DH.

All of which would be better than an unhappy marriage, but you're happy, or you were, and say you felt lucky.

And your new life might not work out as well as what you've already got, even assuming that the new guy doesn't run a mile when you and four DC turn up on his doorstep.

Tell him if you must, and block all contact.

BolshierAyraStark Sun 09-Aug-15 19:00:47

Hmmmm yes, you & he are very likely to be different people to the ones you were back then. Add to that the 4 children you have, poor little souls that they will be when you ditch daddy in pursuit of a fantasy, & how close to a bullshit romantic story do you think life will be?
Life is mundane & depressing because you are letting it be, get a fucking grip. Ditch the muppet from way back when & block, then work on what it is you're looking for elsewhere with your husband-you know, the guy you were happy to create 4 other lives with...

DorisDazzler Sun 09-Aug-15 19:09:19

I'm really surprised people fall for this shit , the ex from years ago who still loves them. Why on earth do people lap it up ?

blondy38 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:09:47

i already had two of them back then, which are old enough now to do as they please, the two ive had with my husband would be staying with him, its the stress of the kids why im on depression pills,and sick of living, as for him wanting sex, thats not even come into our conversations, hes not like that,hes a keeper not a user, but i no where ur all coming from

blondy38 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:11:14

hes not my ex

butterflygirl15 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:17:02

you would walk out on your children for this man??

BolshierAyraStark Sun 09-Aug-15 19:21:03

You seem to think that this man is a magician who will fix all that is wrong with your life, I'm willing to bet good money that he isn't.

sleepsoftly Sun 09-Aug-15 19:28:53

He's a keeper? And two of your children are grown up? Phew that's OK then, the two that are not so grown up will be fine. You are going to do it anyway I think so I'm out of this thread.

textfan Sun 09-Aug-15 19:29:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeeisnectar Sun 09-Aug-15 19:42:56

You would leave your children as well as our husband for this man?

You are blaming your kids for your depression but maybe you should look at getting therapy for it and some marriage counselling for yourself before ripping all these lives apart.

I'm saying this as someone who got back in touch with someone after 27 years apart (we had a two year relationship when I was 18) and we are now engaged, live together for three years and are very happy. The difference is we were both single but it's been very hard as he was still going through a divorce, our kids had to deal with this new relationship (we have two each) even though we did everything to prioritise their needs, we've had to deal with me going through spine surgery and him being in a serious accident. In three years it's been tough. Now imagine doing all that when one of us had left their husband/wife/kids to be with the other? The backlash will be massive however you think it's easy to just walk away.

One of my friends has raised his two kids from a young age, their mum walked out when they were both under 5. She sees them once a year and they really don't care. I can't imagine my kids not caring about me or wanting to see me.

As for your oldest two being old enough to look after themselves, how old are they? Where will they live? My oldest is 17 and still needs me and I imagine she will for a while yet.

DorisDazzler Sun 09-Aug-15 19:44:39

Things sound pretty grim for you Op. I suspect this man and all the good feelings is a welcome distraction . You really need to identify and resolve the problems your having. Why are your children causing you so much stress ?

blondy38 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:45:18

no i would not walk out on my children for this man, id walk out on my children for me, even if me and him wasnt talking, ive had enough, i didnt want anymore kids, i was pressured by everyone to give him his own, was told he eould be a great dad as he is to mine, it just so turns out he constantly at work and im constntly in with the kids, i had my first two very young, is it so wrong to want a life of my own, whether or not this man or any man was in it, my daughter is also disabled, something im left to deal with alone, i cry myself to sleep most nights because i cant handle my life,and the lack of it, and i will not be made to feel like crap about leaving my kids, because id rather leave them than ever hurt them because i cant cope on my own, men do it all the time, and visit weekends why should we be any diffrent

23jumpstreet Sun 09-Aug-15 19:47:04

Don't destroy you and your children's life's on a whip that it might work is it worth the risk.

TheSnowFairy Sun 09-Aug-15 19:49:56

^^this

VagelinaJolie Sun 09-Aug-15 19:50:12

Your kids will be ok with you leaving them with their dad then? And your dh? This is a fantasy, you haven't had a relationship with this man, you haven't even spoken to him for 14 years,you are fantasing what you think you want. 14 years ago I take it you were quite young, now you are a grown up, with grown up responsibilities. Pursuing a fantasy is not a grown up thing to do.
A good friend of mine once gave me a good piece of advice, if you are unhappy in your relationship, then leave for your own sake. Do not leave for another person.
And if you feel that your dc are causing your mh problems, then that is the first thing you need to address. That is not healthy.

MagicMojito Sun 09-Aug-15 20:02:56

You don't want a relationship with this man, you want an escape flowers

If you persue this stranger (yes after 14 years of not seeing each other, you are strangers) your mh problems will not dissapear. They will just get transfered onto something/someone else.

Fix what is wrong in your life now. Even if that means seperating from your dh and starting over, do it the right way and for the right reasons.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 20:10:46

i'd walk out on my children for me What better reason do you need? After all, it's the reason why every philanderer cheats on their spouse/dp and leaves their dc behind.

i had my first two very young i didnt want anymore kids, i was pressured by everyone to give him his own Even better all of your dc, and in particular your dd who has disabilities, will understand that you can't be held responsible for the choices you've made.
i had my first two very young

Has it occurred to you that your dh may be sick of working his arse off to provide for his family and coming home to a joyless dw who, if he but knew it, has her mind fixed on an om?

Have you asked him whether he feels that his hopes and dreams for the future when he married you have been fulfilled?

But why worry about him when you can stroll off into the sunset with a man who'll turn out to have just as many, if not more flaws, than the one who took your older dc on and gave you 2 more entirely against your will. hmm

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