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I'm in a tangled web, can't undo - partner 'loves' someone else

(91 Posts)
LaDouleurExquise Sun 09-Aug-15 14:34:19

This seems so complicated in my head, forgive me if its hard to understand but that might be due to my depression and the length of time I've been in this situation. So much has happened.

Been with my partner nearly 14 years, our DS is 12. As it stands right now dp has feelings for a singer, she's fairly well known. My whole situation is so bizarre and hard to explain I'm in a mess in my brain confused

He doesn't work because he's a musician and focuses everything on that, he isn't a horrible person though believe it or not. Or I've been brainwashed, perfectly willing to accept that. I also have Stockholm syndrome quite possibly.

Not even sure if anyone can help me, I'm not doing too well am I as far as posting coherently goes! Thanks for reading.

Peckhamplex Sun 09-Aug-15 14:36:11

So he has told you about his feelings for this other woman but still wants to be with you too? That sounds very selfish of him.

Ivegottoknow Sun 09-Aug-15 14:39:50

What, is he in a relationship with her? Or does he admire her from afar?

bestguess23 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:40:51

Just for clarity, is this singer someone he knows from being a musician and working with her/knowing her socially or is this a crush on a 'celebrity'/someone he doesn't encounter in RL?

Itsthevibe Sun 09-Aug-15 14:42:16

Does he know her? Has he met her? Does she know him?

Sorry, it's not clear from your post if it's a celebrity obsession.

What else can you tell us about your life? Do you have friends? Extended family? Do you work?

bestguess23 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:42:45

And sorry but Stockholm Syndrome? Really? Based on what you've said so far, no! He sounds like a tool but you're hardly a hostage.

LaDouleurExquise Sun 09-Aug-15 14:44:34

Yes. It happened twice before too. Couple of years in it was a different singer, then 5 years later a model. He gradually stopped 'loving' both of them, but then 3 or so years ago there was someone else. He told me she's a fantastic person and that he has feelings for her but when I draw parallels to the two previous incidents he denies that they're similar and says this one is completely different. I'm emotionally detached from him, I don't want to have sex with him, I also feel sorry for him.

I'm scared now, that I posted this - he's made me promise not to share this with anyone and I agreed sad he listens to her music all through the night and sometimes I wake up in the night with it on and cry my eyes out.

bestguess23 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:45:11

But does he know her or is this a celeb crush?

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Aug-15 14:45:53

So you are financially supporting a man who has told you he's mad on someone else?

Why on earth would you do that?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 09-Aug-15 14:46:38

"He doesn't work because he's a musician"

But does he earn any money being a musician, or is he just another dependent like your 12 year old?

This "love" business: is it a crush, an unhealthy all-encompassing obsession or what?

inlectorecumbit Sun 09-Aug-15 14:47:27

I'm so sorry OP but l could not remain with my partner in these circumstances

bestguess23 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:48:15

I'm going to assume this is a celeb crush from the two previous incidences and respond based on that. Crushes on inaccessible celebrities are normal for many people. He should not however be disregarding your feelings. You have an unhealthy dynamic if he is obsessing over others and you are feeling sorry for him. Can you get some marriage counselling. Usually these sort of tho happen when a deeper issue isn't being dealt with. Celeb crushes aside, it doesn't sound like either of you are very happy in this relationship.

Ivegottoknow Sun 09-Aug-15 14:48:28

It's still not clear if this is a crush or relationship.

LaDouleurExquise Sun 09-Aug-15 14:48:47

Sorry, I should NOT have said Stockholm syndrome - I meant trauma bonding, its a mild version of that. Apologies.

Its a celebrity from afar, though he met her at a gig last year, just to sign something with hundreds of others there.

I did work, all through our relationship til I was signed off a few weeks ago with severe depression. Its been building for years. Sorry slow typing, I'm on my phone.

bestguess23 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:48:59


bestguess23 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:50:42

Firstly, he is not in love with her, despite what he may say. He doesn't know her as a human being but as a product of the industry. You can't love someone you know nothing about. You both are making one another unhappy. Get help or get out, this isn't the sigh of a healthy relationship.

pictish Sun 09-Aug-15 14:51:15

I don't understand...does he know these singers/the model...or are they celebrity crushes from afar? I suspect you mean he has an unhealthy obsession with famous people he has never met, but that needs to be clarified.

CremeBrulee Sun 09-Aug-15 14:51:34

What are you getting out of this relationship? Sounds like a really grim way to live.

He's a freeloading cocklodger with a pattern of recurring obsessional behaviour. It makes no difference if he actually knows these women through his musical hobby or is smitten from afar. Either way he is indulging in fanboy obsession and ignoring you and your DC.

What would you like to happen?

pictish Sun 09-Aug-15 14:52:27

Sorry x posted. No, I couldn't have serious adult relationship with someone like that.

pocketsaviour Sun 09-Aug-15 14:52:40

Do these obsessions include sending the subject packages, emails, etc?

Muddlewitch Sun 09-Aug-15 14:53:18

Has he ever worked op? He sounds like a fantasist.

The whole relationship sounds very unhealthy to be honest.

What do you want? Do you want to be in a relationship with this man? Feeling sorry for him isn't a reason to stay.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 14:54:43

Who's suffering from doleur exquise - you or him?

If I had a dp who was lusting after fixated on an ow I'd tell him to bugger off and chase his dream and I might possibly bestir myself to start packing his stuff up by way of encouragement.

If economic circumstance meant I was stuck under the same roof as him for the foreseeable future, I'd cease sharing a bed with him and respond to every mention of her name with a bored or indulgent 'yes dear'.

If I was feeling particularly perverse I'd find an idol of my own to obsess over, posters on the wall, photos by my bed, etc, and spend a considerable amount of time out of the house ostensibly hoping to catch a glimpse of the revered one while I was in fact having a good time with pals.

A musician who doesn't work? Can't he get paid gigs?

Is your ds aware that his df is a complete tit and have you considered what lesson he may be learning from this ludicrous state of affairs?

LaDouleurExquise Sun 09-Aug-15 14:57:58

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted, no he's never earned money from it but I still do think theres potential there and he now dedicates more time to it than ever before so I wouldn't be surprised if SOMETHING comes of it.
He says money isn't important to him just the love of what he's doing.

Yes, on paper he is not an ideal partner I think this is why its so confusing. My DS loves him loads, and he's not bad in every way. I have left before, but let myself be persuaded to come back, then I got him to leave last year but he decided to come back definitely outing myself now

This must be frustrating to read about, if I was reading about someone else I'd be screaming to get the fuck out!! But I feel truly stuck.

chairmeoh Sun 09-Aug-15 14:58:49

For your own health and future, I'd leave him. He offers you nothing, but in return hurts you.
Does your DS know about this?

BitOutOfPractice Sun 09-Aug-15 14:59:29

Gosh OP you do sound at the end of your tether.

Why do you tgink yu are suffering from trauma bonding?

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