I will start by saying I think I have undiagnosed BPD. Suffered with depression for various reasons for years- but been reading up on more about BPD and I think I may have it.
Ive had a pretty tough life. Scapegoat in the family, dont really see eye to eye with any of them. Have 3/4 long term friends- one has moved away this year, one has a baby and is always busy with her (dont begrudge this at all of course because she is there when I need her) and the other two are always off travelling so I see them maybe every 2 months. I have a handful of acquaintances
I started my first job about 12 months ago. Really got on with my boss- she has helped me with a lot of personal stuff, and she (not I) was always the first one to describe me as a friend and "like a member of the family".
But I cant decide whether she has truly been there for me or not- I really cant. She has been great she really has in some ways- when I was working she would always be there for me if I needed to talk, would support me if I asked for it and she got me involved with everything as much as she possibly could.
On the other hand- she has always told me she would be there- day or night, which has never been the case. We would make plans for outside of work and she would always let me down. In the past, I heard her say one or two things about me to co workers- co workers I should add, she would slag off to me at any opportunity. All I can think is she turned me against them all so I would feel like an outsider.
There was an opportunity for me to get a promotion- she said she would support me, and was encouraging me to do it- and then when someone else asked her about it, she said she wouldnt. And then I found out she had been telling other co workers my private business.
Had to leave my job for other reasons a few weeks ago- and despite again her telling me she would always be there all I got for 2 weeks was radio silence. Then she got in touch- we met a few times, texted and spoke everyday and now its gone back to radio silence.
Just confused and cant help being hurt by it all. Friends warned me time and time again she was using me and I ignored them. Parents giving me a hard time about it- questioning why Intrusted her because "nobody can love you" and that ive been a fool for believeing her which is bringing me down even more.
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To feel so confused and hurt.
10 replies
zencolouring · 09/08/2015 13:55
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