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To feel so confused and hurt.(11 Posts)
I will start by saying I think I have undiagnosed BPD. Suffered with depression for various reasons for years- but been reading up on more about BPD and I think I may have it.
Ive had a pretty tough life. Scapegoat in the family, dont really see eye to eye with any of them. Have 3/4 long term friends- one has moved away this year, one has a baby and is always busy with her (dont begrudge this at all of course because she is there when I need her) and the other two are always off travelling so I see them maybe every 2 months. I have a handful of acquaintances
I started my first job about 12 months ago. Really got on with my boss- she has helped me with a lot of personal stuff, and she (not I) was always the first one to describe me as a friend and "like a member of the family".
But I cant decide whether she has truly been there for me or not- I really cant. She has been great she really has in some ways- when I was working she would always be there for me if I needed to talk, would support me if I asked for it and she got me involved with everything as much as she possibly could.
On the other hand- she has always told me she would be there- day or night, which has never been the case. We would make plans for outside of work and she would always let me down. In the past, I heard her say one or two things about me to co workers- co workers I should add, she would slag off to me at any opportunity. All I can think is she turned me against them all so I would feel like an outsider.
There was an opportunity for me to get a promotion- she said she would support me, and was encouraging me to do it- and then when someone else asked her about it, she said she wouldnt. And then I found out she had been telling other co workers my private business.
Had to leave my job for other reasons a few weeks ago- and despite again her telling me she would always be there all I got for 2 weeks was radio silence. Then she got in touch- we met a few times, texted and spoke everyday and now its gone back to radio silence.
Just confused and cant help being hurt by it all. Friends warned me time and time again she was using me and I ignored them. Parents giving me a hard time about it- questioning why Intrusted her because "nobody can love you" and that ive been a fool for believeing her which is bringing me down even more.
What was she using you for?
If you felt she was a true friend then this will be really hurtful.
Are you certain she was telling other people about your private life?
If you are sure then I would simply fade from her view. Respond to the odd text, don't meet up etc. She's really not someone you should be investing your time in.
Have you spoken about this situation on here before?
You know, I'm barely on MN lately but I've still managed to read several of your posts. The same thing over and over.
What are you getting out of the repetition and constant rehashing?
The problem here is your fixation (on her? On the situation?)
Forget this person, what ha sharpened, doesn't matter. Focus instead on looking at this constant need to go over and over over the same bloody thing.
I think possibly you relied on her too much. It sounds really really intense. It's not good to need someone so much. Particularly not an employer.
There are people out there who like the idea of themselves as a rescuer, as a saviour. They make grand gestures that lack much substance and they make grand statements too - I'm here for you day and night being a classic.
But they don't actually mean it. And it's not good to lean on them because they aren't up to it.
They start off so intensive and it's like a bloody love affair! Some of the flowery declarations are almost romantic in constructions.
Then they get fed up because it is too much and not sustainable and they back off.
Leaving the person who has been leaning on them feeling lost and abandoned.
It's really more about their image of themselves than it is about truly being a rock for someone. It's a facsimile of that sort of relationship but it isn't the real thing. A genuine supportive 'there for you any time' friendship is built over years, and comes from periods of giving, periods of needing help, it's a real two way thing with a good history and a solid foundation and it can't be mimicked.
I would let her go, and try to make changes in your life that allow you to make friends that are more casual and less intimate and let them grow in a real way.
That sounds really wankyhippybollocks I know, but it's true.
It's not appropriate to have that sort of relationship with a boss and its really not appropriate to expect emotional support from her. You really need better boundrys.
But for someone to offer it to you? Surely im not in the wrong here.
Emotional support (and offers of 24 hour support) are only usually offered if it appears a person needs it. Either that or she's just very odd and has boundrys issues herself. Regardless of how it came about it was bad judgment on your part to accept the offer and to have sought her help with personal issues. If you need that level of emotional support you really need to be seeking professional support.
It's not really a question of being in the wrong.
It's more about being realistic, managing your expectations and understanding the complexities of other people's motivations.
Your boss can never be your real friend, they work for the company. You need to learn to have a bit of distance with senior work people. it's unprofessional to be so reliant on someone at work.
Your parents said "nobody can love you"??
Please don't believe that!!
Your problem with your boss pales in comparison to your parents.
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