Just wanted to put that out there and wondered if anyone else felt the same?
In my own case, my STBXH was an OK DH. He was generous and open and loyal. We had a good sex life. We laughed a lot. He had some major shortcomings but the good stuff more than made up for it.
But he has proved to be a disappointing father. He loves the DC but often treats them like an inconvenience - short tempered and selfish, often inattentive and disengaged. Occasionally bordering on cruel in word and deed . Not intentionally cruel, but thoughtless, ill considered words and deeds. At his worst he has hit them, sworn at them and left them alone as small DC whilst popping to the shop. He refuses to change or acknowledge any problem.
I left him, of course. My children are better off living with just me. I am glad I had the sense to do it. My DC are much happier.
But I am lonely and I still sometimes find myself in deep grief for what we once had. I don't regret having the DC even though single parenting is exhausting. I don't want to be back in my marriage now I have seen his true colours. I just sometimes wonder if things would have been different had we not had the DC.
Or maybe, just maybe, they have saved me from a mediocre marriage and there is a bright future, and a much better man around the corner for me. I bloody hope so.
I've always thought kids can cause marriage problems if one parent becomes wrapped up in them and neglects their oh. not saying you did this just some find they get all of their emotional needs fulfilled by their children. might be a bit of a sweeping statement but I think there are quite a few men (and women) who really just aren't bothered as much by kids.
Was having DC the first time you actually needed tangible, sustained support from your DH? From physical support in the early days to the shared care of infants, who are incredibly draining? Almost certainly you would have discovered the same issues if you had become ill, or when you become old. You are mourning someone who did not exist and a marriage you did not have.
You already admit there were major shortcomings in the relationship before the children, what were they?
What hellion said - your dh ruined your marriage, not your kids. While he can't control how he feels, he makes a choice about how to behave. He chose to behave in a manner that was not conducive to a harmonious home. I'm sure you told him many times that his conduct was not acceptable to you, yet he persisted in indulging it and himself. That's what he is.
I'm sorry you feel bereft...it's understandable. I do wish you a happy future with a better man in it. In the meantime, work on knowing you deserve it. x
I'm sure you told him many times that his conduct was not acceptable to you, yet he persisted in indulging it and himself.
Many, many times. Probably too many.
A small part of me still lives in hope that he will have an epiphany, and go and get counselling, find out how to be a good dad, tell me he is truly sorry and regrets his previous conduct and ask us back.
It is natural to dream up a favourable resolution, like an lightbulb moment epiphany or a humble willingness to work on being the husband and father you imagine he might be if only he would behave. That's your issue though...he has already shown you that he won't be fulfilling your fantasies any time soon. He watched you walk away rather than concede his tyranny. It's not that you aren't worthy of the effort, it's that he's emotionally inadequate and deeply selfish with it. The two traits make for low emotional intelligence and poor care-giving skills and a heightened sense of self importance.
Yes, it happens, but it's not because the dw neglects her (grown up and able to look after himself) dh. It's because the dh is a childish selfish brat who wants everything his own way and won't be inconvenienced without a brattish little tantrum.
As said already, he would be like that no matter what type of adversity comes his way, illness, disability, old age, money troubles, blah blah fucking blah. You would have wanted to walk away from him at some point, undoubtedly, unless you actually lived charmed lives together,; and when you found yourself at the point of needing to go, you may not have been so physically able to.
You are so well rid. Well done for making the break.
Yes, there were shortcomings, Tribpot. In hindsight, I shouldn't have had the DC. I thought he would grow up - "put childish things away" (please excuse the biblical quote, I'm not partularly religious really). He didn't change. Of course. Silly me.
It certainly sounds like you shouldn't have had DC with him, but obviously if you hadn't you wouldn't have these children. Presumably you wanted to have children? So this choice was always going to present itself.
I think you've had a lucky escape. How would old age or sickness have been with him? Would he really have been there for YOU in sickness and in health etc etc? Imagine if you needed care or had a major health scare or serious illness? What if he did? And you cared for him? Would he have been able to handle that - would you have felt loved and cared about and appreciated?