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Having DC has ruined my marriage.

(31 Posts)
BeCarefulWithThat Sun 09-Aug-15 11:05:39

Just wanted to put that out there and wondered if anyone else felt the same?

In my own case, my STBXH was an OK DH. He was generous and open and loyal. We had a good sex life. We laughed a lot. He had some major shortcomings but the good stuff more than made up for it.

But he has proved to be a disappointing father. He loves the DC but often treats them like an inconvenience - short tempered and selfish, often inattentive and disengaged. Occasionally bordering on cruel in word and deed sad. Not intentionally cruel, but thoughtless, ill considered words and deeds. At his worst he has hit them, sworn at them and left them alone as small DC whilst popping to the shop. He refuses to change or acknowledge any problem.

I left him, of course. My children are better off living with just me. I am glad I had the sense to do it. My DC are much happier.

But I am lonely and I still sometimes find myself in deep grief for what we once had. I don't regret having the DC even though single parenting is exhausting. I don't want to be back in my marriage now I have seen his true colours. I just sometimes wonder if things would have been different had we not had the DC.

Or maybe, just maybe, they have saved me from a mediocre marriage and there is a bright future, and a much better man around the corner for me. I bloody hope so.

Hellionandfriends Sun 09-Aug-15 11:11:01

Your husband ruined your marriage, not your kids. Having kids just happen to uncover an awful already existing side to his personality that you didn't know about.

category1 Sun 09-Aug-15 11:11:56

Well I think some guys make reasonable partners without children because they have your whole attention? I think my ex was perfectly happy when it was just us.

But y'know, him being an asshole to his own dc means at base, he was a proper asshole. You did the right thing. There are men out there who aren't like that.

Hellionandfriends Sun 09-Aug-15 11:13:36

You will only see someone's true personality over time as you meet new (often stressful) situations together. This was always your husbands personality.

UrethraFranklin1 Sun 09-Aug-15 11:14:43

Seems you are well aware that your DH was a bit of a dick long before children. You chose to have more than one child with him, knowing that.

Take off the rosy specs or you'll wander into another crappy relationship with another dick. People always repeat their mistakes when they don't own up to them.

FuckOffPeppa Sun 09-Aug-15 11:15:01

I'm sorry it took having children to discover his true nature, and that those children were then harmed by him. You are much better off without him

peanutnutter Sun 09-Aug-15 11:16:36

I've always thought kids can cause marriage problems if one parent becomes wrapped up in them and neglects their oh. not saying you did this just some find they get all of their emotional needs fulfilled by their children. might be a bit of a sweeping statement but I think there are quite a few men (and women) who really just aren't bothered as much by kids.

tribpot Sun 09-Aug-15 11:17:40

Was having DC the first time you actually needed tangible, sustained support from your DH? From physical support in the early days to the shared care of infants, who are incredibly draining? Almost certainly you would have discovered the same issues if you had become ill, or when you become old. You are mourning someone who did not exist and a marriage you did not have.

You already admit there were major shortcomings in the relationship before the children, what were they?

tribpot Sun 09-Aug-15 11:18:58

Btw I don't think 'disappointing' is the adjective to describe a father who hit his children and left them alone to pop to the shops.

BeCarefulWithThat Sun 09-Aug-15 11:19:30

I don't think I neglected him. I felt just as committed to him after DC as before. We still had a good sex life too.

Trills Sun 09-Aug-15 11:20:49

I understand what you mean here.

Your DH was good enough for an easy life.

He's not good enough for a harder life.

(and I hope nobody will dispute that being parents is harder work than being an adult couple with no children)

If you hadn't had children, he would have been "good enough" and you'd have had a "nice enough" time.

BeCarefulWithThat Sun 09-Aug-15 11:21:50

Disappointing isnt the only adjective to describe him as a father, but it is one of them.

BeCarefulWithThat Sun 09-Aug-15 11:23:51

Trills, you have it in a nutshell. Thank you.

Rozalia Sun 09-Aug-15 11:25:56

He hit the children, left them alone when they were way too young, swore at them. And this might be because becareful was too wrapped up in the children and neglected her husband?

Really?

becareful so glad you left him when he showed who he really was.

pictish Sun 09-Aug-15 11:26:17

What hellion said - your dh ruined your marriage, not your kids. While he can't control how he feels, he makes a choice about how to behave. He chose to behave in a manner that was not conducive to a harmonious home.
I'm sure you told him many times that his conduct was not acceptable to you, yet he persisted in indulging it and himself.
That's what he is.

I'm sorry you feel bereft...it's understandable. I do wish you a happy future with a better man in it. In the meantime, work on knowing you deserve it. x

BeCarefulWithThat Sun 09-Aug-15 11:32:37

I'm sure you told him many times that his conduct was not acceptable to you, yet he persisted in indulging it and himself.

Many, many times. Probably too many.

A small part of me still lives in hope that he will have an epiphany, and go and get counselling, find out how to be a good dad, tell me he is truly sorry and regrets his previous conduct and ask us back.

I know this isn't going to happen.

pictish Sun 09-Aug-15 11:55:29

You are quite right. It won't.

It is natural to dream up a favourable resolution, like an lightbulb moment epiphany or a humble willingness to work on being the husband and father you imagine he might be if only he would behave. That's your issue though...he has already shown you that he won't be fulfilling your fantasies any time soon. He watched you walk away rather than concede his tyranny.
It's not that you aren't worthy of the effort, it's that he's emotionally inadequate and deeply selfish with it. The two traits make for low emotional intelligence and poor care-giving skills and a heightened sense of self importance.

There's nothing to work with there.

tribpot Sun 09-Aug-15 12:03:50

find out how to be a good dad

But there were shortcomings prior to the children as well?

RainbowFlutterby Sun 09-Aug-15 12:07:26

Sounds exactly like my ex. Some men are absolutely great when the world revolves round them but just can't handle it when it doesn't. Although to be fair it's probably true of some women too!

Jux Sun 09-Aug-15 12:15:59

Yes, it happens, but it's not because the dw neglects her (grown up and able to look after himself) dh. It's because the dh is a childish selfish brat who wants everything his own way and won't be inconvenienced without a brattish little tantrum.

As said already, he would be like that no matter what type of adversity comes his way, illness, disability, old age, money troubles, blah blah fucking blah. You would have wanted to walk away from him at some point, undoubtedly, unless you actually lived charmed lives together,; and when you found yourself at the point of needing to go, you may not have been so physically able to.

You are so well rid. Well done for making the break.

BeCarefulWithThat Sun 09-Aug-15 12:16:03

Yes, there were shortcomings, Tribpot. In hindsight, I shouldn't have had the DC. I thought he would grow up - "put childish things away" (please excuse the biblical quote, I'm not partularly religious really). He didn't change. Of course. Silly me.

But I don't regret having the DC.

tribpot Sun 09-Aug-15 12:20:24

It certainly sounds like you shouldn't have had DC with him, but obviously if you hadn't you wouldn't have these children. Presumably you wanted to have children? So this choice was always going to present itself.

Joysmum Sun 09-Aug-15 12:23:38

It's easy to have a good relationship she life is good. The measure of a relationship is how things are when life is more complicated.

How many time do we see on MN of women staying for longer than they would have in hindsight because things could be good sometimes. sad

BeCarefulWithThat Sun 09-Aug-15 12:24:17

Yes, I wanted to have children. Was well into my 30s when we started.

museumum Sun 09-Aug-15 12:24:21

I think you've had a lucky escape. How would old age or sickness have been with him? Would he really have been there for YOU in sickness and in health etc etc? Imagine if you needed care or had a major health scare or serious illness? What if he did? And you cared for him? Would he have been able to handle that - would you have felt loved and cared about and appreciated?

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