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No one to look after children -parents can't be bothered

(157 Posts)
peppajay Sun 09-Aug-15 10:43:26

Me and my Dh have been having problems for a long time. We never ever get time together as a couple basically because no one in our family actually gives a shit about us only themselves so we have no family help. I don't understand my parents - I have lots of respect for them in alot of ways as I had an absolutely fantastic childhood with so many happy memories they did everything for us and gave us so much love and attention my childhood was idillyc- but now is their time and they will not look after their grandchildren. They bore them apparently and they have far more important things to do. They have turned into child hating selfish self centred individuals who only care about themselves. My parents had a great relationship when I was little BUT every saturday night they went out as a couple without fail and they gave the 14 yr old next door a fiver for babysitting. We had a Great Auntie down the road who was a widow and adored kids so once a month my parents would go away for a weekend and leave us with her and we loved it. We have no one, my auntie used to be fantastic but she moved away to be near my cousin when she had her baby and she still feels guilty for 'leaving us' as now we don't have anyone!!! I look at these big happy families of cousins, aunties, grandmas and grandads, and think how wonderful it would to be to be part of that!!! Watching other kids on days out with their grandparents or sleepovers at their nan's my kids would love it but they don't want them!!! I know i cant force my parents to help us out but life would be so much easier. My mum says we should advertise for some random teenage girl and give her 10 pound maximum for a night. I am sure if me and my hubby could get some time together her relationship would be better. We go out seperately with friends quite often but can rarely do couple things- I have a few friends who will sit for a couple of hours but no one who can do a proper babysitting stint. Am I being selfish wanting some time alone with my DH or as my parents say 'if I am not willing to pay a teenager then our time will come in 10 years but dont rely on her as she has been there done that and now it is her time'

woowoo22 Sun 09-Aug-15 10:46:33

You can't change your behaviour, only your reaction to it.

Get reliable, good, trustworthy paid babysitting in place. Maybe a childcare worker/childminder who you can use again and again.

Joysmum Sun 09-Aug-15 10:47:24

Shame there's no popcorn smiley grin

MrsLeighHalfpenny Sun 09-Aug-15 10:48:15

Au Pair? Ours looked after DDs overnight occasionally for extra money.

woowoo22 Sun 09-Aug-15 10:50:15

*their behaviour

Oops

CerealEater Sun 09-Aug-15 10:52:51

Just do what they did and find a sitter. Local colleges are a good place, many students want to earn extra cash. Ask friends, they may have a sitter you can use.

They have made it clear they don't want to start child minding, it's fair enough as they have done their years of raising children and should be free to enjoy themselves now. A great grandparent is one because of who they are, not how much they babysit.

peanutnutter Sun 09-Aug-15 10:54:41

to be fair your children aren't your parents responsibility and they aren't obligated to offer you childcare. my dd hasn't got kids yet but knows me and her father won't be available to babysit when she does.

Justmuddlingalong Sun 09-Aug-15 10:55:09

You're not being selfish in wanting to spend time as a couple, however, you have to be proactive in enabling this. Sort out your own babysitter. Your family have told you they will not be doing the babysitting. You'll have to source and pay for childcare, rather than complaining about your family's lack of help.

CalleighDoodle Sun 09-Aug-15 10:55:47

you are not selfish to want to spend alone time with your husband. You are selfish to expect family to do it when they dont want to. Get a good a babysitter. You cant expect people to look after your children.

13months Sun 09-Aug-15 10:58:36

Put your hand in your pocket and prioritise paying for babysitting if you believe you need this to save your marriage.

If you dont have the cash then join a babysitting circle where you babysit another couples kids and then they babysit yours then next week.

Your parents can do as they like - sounds like they did a brilliant job parenting you - they dont owe you anything more. You should be grateful for what they have given you already and stop bleating on in an entitled childlike way.

HPsauciness Sun 09-Aug-15 11:00:49

Your children aren't your parent's responsibility, but I cannot imagine being a grandparent myself and being so disinterested in your own grandchildren, or indeed in helping out your own children. To me, having a family is a life-long engagement, it doesn't end aged 16 or 18 and I hope I get to help out in my turn, just as I have been helped.

Yes, there's no legal or moral obligation but it's odd, and it's not the same as many other families. I have to be honest, all the families I know, the grandparents help out with overnights, can't wait to see the grandchildren, even go and stay so the parents can go away. I don't think we or them are unusual.

I think words like 'selfish' to describe you wondering why the grandparents don't want to help are laughable. They are indeed self-centred for whatever reason, but it is true they won't change and you should get a babysitter in.

Mulligrubs Sun 09-Aug-15 11:03:33

Lots of people have nobody in their family to look after their children, it isn't anyone else's responsibility but yours to look after them. I know it hurts you that your parents aren't bothered but you have to accept it - you're an adult and sometimes people let you down so you have to sort things yourself.

Like many others in similar situations to yours you will have to hire a babysitter if you want couple time with your DH. You're not being selfish to want alone time but you're being very selfish to expect your family to babysit for you when they aren't bothered.

I say this as someone whose own family lives hundreds of miles away and whose in-laws are great in many ways but just that fussed and can't be relied on to babysit so it's not like I am one of these people with loads of relatives who want to help with childcare!

CalleighDoodle Sun 09-Aug-15 11:03:51

It is not selfish to wonder why they dont eant to be involved.
It is selfish to expect them to look after them when they dont want to, rather than to pay a babysitter.

leccybill Sun 09-Aug-15 11:04:36

Can understand that this rejection of your children must be hurtful to you.
If you use a nursery, normally the staff offer babysitting and they will be known to your children.

I must admit our DD slept at my parents once a week from the age of 2 til 5. We made an effort to go out, have a meal, go to cinema, bike ride, game of squash etc every week. We talked and reconnected and it really was the making of us. Kept us sane.

Dowser Sun 09-Aug-15 11:05:33

I can see where your parents are coming from but I wouldn't think once a fortnight wouldn't hurt them.

HPsauciness Sun 09-Aug-15 11:07:14

Only on mumsnet do I see words like 'owe', 'entitled' and 'selfish' to describe typical grandparent/child relations. It's not being 'owed' anything to wonder why they couldn't come and sit in your house with a film after the kids are in bed once a month.

They didn't do a brilliant job, as they now feel fine leaving you all alone in the world at a time which is very stressful for parents. They don't have to help, if they lived a long way away or had some issue why they couldn't help, fair enough, but to live close by and just to refuse even the smallest help, yes I can see that would hurt.

Finding your grandchildren boring and trying to avoid them is deeply sad and not the sign of great parents, sorry.

Trooperslane Sun 09-Aug-15 11:07:24

My parents are dead. We have no one either.

Sort your own childcare out op. They're your responsibility, not your parent's.

Ragwort Sun 09-Aug-15 11:07:54

Lots of us don't have families near by who will help out - my parents would have loved to babysit but they lived 200 miles away grin. DH's parents had died before we had DC. No siblings nearby.

You just have to make your own arrangements, talk to your friends, I am sure there is someone who would like a recipricol arrangement - start up a babysitting circle if you don't want to pay someone. We arranged sleep overs with friends - the children had a great time and the parents could have a night out without having to rush back and then enjoy a lie-in the next day.

No one should 'expect' their relatives to help out.

UrethraFranklin1 Sun 09-Aug-15 11:08:43

They have a point. Lots of us pay for babysitters, its standard. You can't be that bothered about going out if you point blank refuse to get a babysitter.

Your parents aren't interested. Yes thats sad for you but they aren't and you know it so you need to move on. You can't blame them for your relationship troubles.
Lot's of grandparents have the same thoughts: they've had their children, they've done the sitting in and changing nappies. They aren't responsible for your children.

peanutnutter Sun 09-Aug-15 11:10:10

If you can't/won't pay for a sitter put the kids to bed early with a dvd and cook a nice meal and spend the evening together. me and dh have no parents therefore never had the option to have grandparents help. dd was sent to bed early and told mummy and daddy need alone time together. If you are having issues in ur marriage personally I would prioritise that a few early nights won't harm your kids.

FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP Sun 09-Aug-15 11:10:56

Your parents' behaviour is not attractive, but they have a point, and they are not responsible for your marital problems. Find a decent babysitter, teenaged or otherwise, like they did and go out with your DH.

GarminGirl Sun 09-Aug-15 11:12:26

Not everyone enjoys other people's kids, even if they are family!

Good luck with trying to find a teen babysitter for just a tenner!

GemmaTeller Sun 09-Aug-15 11:13:12

Its up to you to sort childcare/babysitters not your parents.

Why are you trying to blame your marriage problems on your parents lack of babysitting duties?

mysteryfairy Sun 09-Aug-15 11:13:33

Your example of how your parents could go out - they paid for childcare. An option that is presumably equally open to you. So the nights out problem is easily solvable.

It's disappointing that your parents don't want a relationship with your children, but don't let that mean you never get a break.

Joysmum Sun 09-Aug-15 11:14:17

Tbh it wouldn't surprise me if your sense of entitlement has led them to take a step back. I've never expected anything from my family. When they've seen my daughter it's because they want to spend time with her, not because I expect them to be babysitters. Big difference.

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