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Are some people just meant to be alone?

(47 Posts)
FuckOffPeppa Sat 08-Aug-15 23:19:24

Long story short, I had a difficult childhood and some very difficult relationships in my late teens and early 20s. Either they were abusive or I ended it for one reason or another.

I have a 4yo dc and have so desperately wanted to provide stability but have actually ended up careening from one messy relationship to another. I feel very guilty about this.

I'm now in a relationship with someone and we're engaged. I've suddenly gone cold which is what I do, i have this thing where I feel as though I'm better alone , and me and dc would just be better on our own, me as an independent single mother. I need a lot of space and feel stifled and confined in relationships. I thought this one was different but then I always do.

Am I just meant to be alone or can/should I be in a relationship? I'm so confused, I just don't know what to do or what to think

Yika Sat 08-Aug-15 23:25:25

I am exactly the same, exactly.

If you would like to be in a relationship, then I would say that no you are not 'meant to be alone' - even if it feels more natural to you at some level.

Is it getting engaged which has made you cool off?

FuckOffPeppa Sat 08-Aug-15 23:55:22

No, I was v excited about getting engaged. We had an argument last night and it seems there always comes a point where an argument no matter how small, makes me switch off and I suddenly have no desire to fix things and mnake it work, I can only think about how I'm better off alone.

Can't work out if that's my true feelings/nature or if I'm self sabotaging.

Are you in a relationship, Yika?

elephantoverthehill Sun 09-Aug-15 00:03:40

My only advice to you is give yourself some time. You are not quite happy, so take a breather. If he is worth it you both will make it happen but only if he understands this and allows you to take the time. Don't rush.

UghMug Sun 09-Aug-15 01:54:21

No need to actually answer but just consider - have you ever been really hurt by someone in a relationship in the past? what is your biggest fear about staying in a relationship with someone? What's the worst thing that can happen if you work thro the going cold phase with your partner?

I run hot & cold sometimes & there are times I long for the control of single life but in the end I get that soft squishy awwww I love him feeling again and it's all back to normal. Relationships are bloody hard work -raising kids is a doddle compared to dealing with an OH.

FuckOffPeppa Sun 09-Aug-15 08:47:06

I will think over those questions, Ugh. This is all very fear based, I think. Not a good way to live.

something2say Sun 09-Aug-15 08:57:32

I think it's all down to what you've been through, and fear of it happening again. I don't think you are meant to be alone and these little arguments are just ways to get off the hook. Learn about conflict, get into your past and sail on through the normal ups and downs. Congrats x

Allofaflumble Sun 09-Aug-15 09:17:49

Similar experiences to you Peppa. I Dont know what your answer is but I have always felt better when I was out of a relationship.

In fact as I look back I can see I wasted a lot of time "trying" to be part of a couple with all sorts of unsuitable men!

Handywoman Sun 09-Aug-15 09:56:43

I'm prone to the same patterns. I couldn't not respond. Am currently doing twice weekly psychotherapy (messed up, moi?) exploring issues around attachment and loss. I've had a tough time and not had the chance to, or been equipped with emotional tools to deal with some major losses. My patterns are an expression of those issues. I recommend you get similar help if you can. My therapist is worth her weight in gold. If you've had therapy in the last try someone else who can really help you.

Handywoman Sun 09-Aug-15 09:57:29

past not last

Twinklestein Sun 09-Aug-15 10:03:56

I don't think anyone is 'meant' to be anything. Some people have very damaging childhoods that cause a lot of emotional problems, which affect the ability to choose a suitable partner, and make maintaining relationships difficult. Whether that person chooses to work through all their issues and commit to a ltr, or prefer to stay single, is up to the individual.

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo Sun 09-Aug-15 10:17:07

I know exactly what you mean. I have no problem being alone, love my own space etc. i am currently with dp and love the bones of him, but if we split i would get on with it and be fine.
I never understand people who have to be in a relationship, to me a partner is a bonus not an essential.

I too can feel stifled in a relationship, i hate when people want to touch me all the time / text me 20 times a day. I end up thinking 'just leave me alone!!!' Me and dp have a great relationship but he isnt clingy and understands sometimes i just want to sit on my own and its nothing personal to him. Eg i work with kids who are very demanding and touch me alllll day, and call my name alll day, so he understands i need a bit of quiet time when i get home, nothing major just 10-15mins to get changed, enjoy the quiet and relax.

I also do not want kids of my own, i thought about it and decided its not for me. I never thought any more about it until a friend said to me 'thats you keeping your exit clear'. And it actually is. The thought of being tied to anyone for life horrifies me. That includes both the child and the father.

I think its just the way i am. I believe in living for myself, not anyone else.

Iwantobreakfree Sun 09-Aug-15 10:18:58

I'm the same,I've come to realize it's probably abandonment issues over my dad.

Never been in many relationships,give me a couple of weeks and I bail.

I miss cuddling up in bed sometimes but that's about it,much prefer being single,independent,making all the decisions,being in control.

Diagonally Sun 09-Aug-15 10:21:47

I've had this most of my life, not just with partners but with friendships as well. All linked to terrible self esteem and poor boundaries.

Looking back it feels like these are things I should have been encouraged in / taught and I just wasn't. So now I'm teaching and encouraging myself smile

I've spent quite a lot of time in the last 5 years deliberately on my own being that independent single mother and it's been so empowering I can't tell you.

I've pushed myself to take on things at work that I would never have considered before like a management role, I've bought and done up a home on my own, I've taken the initiative in relationships instead of avoiding them / waiting to be asked, I ask for help when I need it , I've experimented all over the place with having assertive conversations, dealing with things instead of avoiding them , speaking my mind. I still struggle with boundaries but I'm getting there slowly.

I think you need to take this simply as a warning sign that you are not ready. That is probably going to have consequences for your current relationship but you need to think about the fact that if you do this in your current frame of mind, no one is going to be happy.

I'd step out and take some time to work on you, I really would.

It's not resignation that you can't be in a relationship ever, it's understanding that you need some more training first grin

sapphirestars Sun 09-Aug-15 10:26:52

I think that you should maybe have some counselling to deal with the problems that keep recurring. I think this will keep popping up until you manage to face it and look at what you are running from. I think it would be beneficial for you and your child because they will be learning from you and you can teach them what you have learnt.

FuckOffPeppa Sun 09-Aug-15 10:31:32

Wow, it's actually very reassuring to see I'm not the only one who feels like this!

I have this fear of being confined, restricted, prevented from going anywhere or doing anything, and this idea that that is what a relationship will do to me.

I have an intense fear of being dependent on anyone (in case they leave and I'm up the creek). I also can't stand being touched, wanted, needed all the time. I can take it from dd but that really depletes all my tolerance for that and then I need aline time. Just to watch crappy TV or read. It's not really a great idea to end a relationship because I want to watch TV on my own, is it?!

I think I need to be more open with Dp about my needs. I really need a partner to live a more separate life I think and not rely on me for company all the time. Just things like, on days off work to make plans instead of waiting for me to, to spend some evenings either doing separate things or even be in the same room but reading or somethibg so were not constantly ibteracting. Maybe I need to have weekends away with dd on my own, too. Does this sound very unreasonable? I am a real introvert and need a lot of alone time to feel ok. I can be very spiky

FuckOffPeppa Sun 09-Aug-15 10:35:58

In fact as I look back I can see I wasted a lot of time "trying" to be part of a couple with all sorts of unsuitable men!

Yes, same :-/

I think I will, Sapphire and pp whove suggested counselling.

Diagonally, it sounds amazing being alone for 5 years and just working on you! Sounds like it's been really good for you.

The thing is (feel a bit sheepish to admit this), the wedding is in a month. We moved in together and got engaged far too quickly, I see that now. I get all caught up as soon as I get together with someone seeing an infinite future and then panic and want out

daisydukes229 Sun 09-Aug-15 10:42:52

It could have been me writing this post, I am exactly the same.

I think I like the idea of a relationship more than actually being in one.

I don't need to speak to someone every day or see them every day. When I don't get the space I need every little thing about them starts annoying me until I decide I can't continue and end it.

Oddly someone being "too nice" irritates me as well. I can't stand it.

I am clearly extremely high maintenance and destined to be alone grin

FuckOffPeppa Sun 09-Aug-15 10:50:15

Yes, I'm exactly the same, daisydukes!

FuckOffPeppa Sun 09-Aug-15 11:12:44

I've just done a quick search of counsellors near me and sent one a message so hopefully she will get back to me soon

Dowser Sun 09-Aug-15 11:33:58

I'm with oh 23/24 hours a day. Give or take the odd couple of hours apart

Wouldn't do for everyone I know but it suits us.

We get downtime as I browse around the net and read and he reads on nights we don't go out. We sit in companionable silence. It works for us and being together so much we probably need a bit of head space.

Hope you can get it sorted op. it would be ashame to lose out on a lovely relationship/ man.

Yika Sun 09-Aug-15 13:15:21

I'm not in a relationship, no. I also have a 4 year old and am also older, and given that I know I find relationships difficult, it puts me off looking for one.

I think it's a good idea to talk through your needs with your DP. With a previous partner of mine we actually worked out a deal about together time and alone time trying to balance both our needs.

Can so relate to what daisydukes says too. I feel really oppressed if I don't get space. Feels like a physical weight on me and it makes me want to lash out in frustration.

Is it a big wedding? Is it possible to postpone it?

FuckOffPeppa Sun 09-Aug-15 14:46:20

Exactly how I feel, Yika. I can't believe there are people who feel like me, I've always felt very abnormal.

Wedding is v small

susiedaisy Sun 09-Aug-15 14:51:08

I can identify with this thread, divorced now five years nearly and still can't get any enthusiasm to get out there and meet someone new, and although sometimes I feel lonely, mostly I enjoy being on my own. I think at best I would like a companion who has their own home and life but we get together to do social things and the odd shagblush

upthedamnwotsit Sun 09-Aug-15 15:06:02

It's actually a little unnerving how much a lot of what you've written resonates with me, Peppa.

I have this fear of being confined, restricted, prevented from going anywhere or doing anything, and this idea that that is what a relationship will do to me.

I have an intense fear of being dependent on anyone (in case they leave and I'm up the creek). I also can't stand being touched, wanted, needed all the time.

This is exactly how I feel. I've been single for a few years now and it seems to be the best state for me. I don't doubt that I might be missing out on some things, but I cherish being single and by myself. I realise, looking back, that I've always liked the idea of a relationship more than the actual thing itself. I've been with so many people that I didn't actually have that much of a connection with, I was just dependent on them and didn't know how else to be. I was always jumping from one person to the next.

Now I've gone straight from that to the opposite- total aversion. You couldn't pay me to date again. The thought of being dependent on anyone fills me with horror. That might not be very healthy but it's how I feel. I dislike the thought of a romantic relationship where there all these expectations on me. I have always been a solitary person by nature, maybe it's something to with that.

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