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Can someone please hold my hand? I'm feeling very weak, strung out and emotional

(8 Posts)
AloneWithoutHope Sat 08-Aug-15 18:46:05

My ex was emotionally abusive. He'd break up with me and get back together with me very regularly. We did this dance for about 3 years and I kept holding on to him thinking he'd change and he'd love me properly.

He was quite a bit older than me and very successful so I thought he knew what he wanted in life. On one occasion we got back together, I was quite reluctant to do so as he'd been quite awful to me and then when I agreed, he dumped me the next day. We got back together a few months later and I discovered that he'd been still seeing another woman the whole time so I finally left him.

I have become obsessed with looking at the OW profiles on social media and I can't get my head around why he treated me the way he did and how he abandoned me. It's been two years and I still think of him daily. When will I stop and when will I get better? He seems to have moved on perfectly fine. I know I shouldn't look at his fb and the like but I can't help it, pathetic I know. He and OW have since broken up but I can't seem to move on or let go. Why?

Thanks for reading.

butterflygirl15 Sat 08-Aug-15 20:29:05

block her and him and stop looking - it is the only way.

And I would advise the Freedom programme and perhaps counselling too. He is a nasty piece of work, just pity his next victim and be grateful he is gone. And put some value on yourself so you will never accept this appalling treatment ever again.

britneyspearscatsuit Sat 08-Aug-15 20:40:25

This pattern that he's continued with you has systematically (over the three years) completely broken down your self esteem and sense of self worth.

He showers you with ove and first, then takes it away, leaving you confused and wondering what you have done wrong. Then he gives it back, you feel relieved, feel like it's sorted out only for him to do the same again. Lather, rinse and repeat.

It's a deliberate and systematic destruction of another person for his own enjoyment and sense of power and he abandoned you because he was never with you to begin with.

There's nothing wrong with you. Abuse makes you feel like this.

Can I recommend a book called "psychopath free, recovering from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, sociopaths and other toxic people".

It decribes exactly the scenario you've put forward and why it's so hard to recover.

It is not you, you can and will get better once you understand the damage done to you and how to heal it.

People like him can never love anybody. I promise you that.

AloneWithoutHope Sat 08-Aug-15 20:48:59

Thanks for replying. I just feel so down about everything. How could he do that to me. Fwiw, I am 14 years younger than him. When we met he was mr perfect, totally in love then the break up - make-up thing started happening. He has been horrendous to me but I still feel like I can't move on. He broke up with me all the bloody time for useless reasons and then he met someone else, which is when it dawned on me that I should leave. I hate him. But I hate myself more. He has previously been in love, the woman he was with before me was his whole life but she left him. I've often wondered why.

WhatifIdid Sat 08-Aug-15 20:57:22

Oh come on Alone - he was a fucking arsewipe and you know it!!!!

You've had a lucky escape. And you can go on and meet someone in time that treats you well is kind and loyal - he on the other hand will always be an arsewipe doomed to shite relationships.

Find your grip girl. Two years is long enough to waste looking back. Look forwards now, do the Freedon prog, read, get counselling, work out what you want. Be happy. Be strong and confident.

Diagonally Sat 08-Aug-15 22:04:02

You need to trust it will happen.

Is there anything you haven't tried yet, do you think? Was there any secrecy about the relationship or have you held back from talking to people in RL about it? That makes it far worse.

Baggage Reclaim is good to dip into if you haven't. I also love Chumplady (google her).

I've been there and it was 1 year full on, 2 years him dipping in and out and another year to stop feeling angry. Don't be ashamed that it's taking so long.

Diagonally Sat 08-Aug-15 22:07:45

Sorry forgot to say for me it was partly re-enacting a dynamic from my childhood (parents). I worked it out myself in the end but a therapist might have got me there quicker. It was quite a relief to finally see it.

lavenderhoney Sat 08-Aug-15 22:15:23

He's doing it because he can. He's no good. He won't ever be any good as a serious partner and actually he's not much cop as anything else in the relationship stakes. Bow out gracefully.

Avoid him, block him, and fill your time with friends or find a hobby. You're single, plenty of nice men out there, date lots and avoid anyone instantly if they even vaguely remind you of him.

I expect you like certain things about him as you might be thinking of traits you want in a long term partner. Try to see his other more unattractive ones are a complete nightmare waiting to happen. If you wrote and advert, he'd hardly be your dream bloke would he? Unless you would actually write " wanted - total fuckwit who treats me like shit. I want you to mess with my head and cheat on me. Even better if you fuck me up enough so I can't date again and hang round for you"

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