Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do they do it ?

(22 Posts)
Bambino1234 Sat 08-Aug-15 11:01:03

I except my partners gone, he chose the other woman and after 8 months it pretty obvious he's not coming back.
I guess what I don't except is how he finds it so easy, to leave a family and a partner and see his children twice a month (this is what he wanted, I would like him to have them more from a work and social point of view but also because they never speak about him unless I ask them about him or remind them of something they did together, they never ask for him and at 3-4 I find that really unhealthy, I don't discourage it, I never bad mouth him to them and I am mostly polite and cordial and hangovers etc)

He has always made me feel like he wasn't sure about what he was doing but after making such a selfish decision the repercussions were too great to come back, yes perhaps but it doesn't stop him from being a father and a good active one.

He has a busy work life and struggled to balance a family , work and myself it caused a lot of tension and I think he thought by leaving for his co worker he would be free of that , I'm not sure if he is it just seems that his children are even lower on the pecking order than they were before, I have asked him to step back and think how he would feel if his father had been seeing someone else more than his children (they don't live together so it is a conscious decision to use the one day each week he has off and share it between the girlfriend and my children)

He has always blown hot and cold with me, in an ideal world he would have liked me to sit around waiting to see if he got bored of the ow , not to have been hurt and waltzed on happy.
I don't know what I'm posting for but will it be easier to except he left so easily over time it's been 8 months and I still don't understand how you can leave a family !

Flangeshrub Sat 08-Aug-15 11:09:41

My marriage broke up 8 months ago and I'm struggling to accept this too. My DH is a more involved father but has not suffered any psychological or emotional effects from seeing his children less, he thinks I'm being a drama queen because I'm still upset that he conducted an affair with my 7 year olds teacher, I'm now on my own struggling financially with debts he has left with, missing my kids. The breakup was a complete out of the blue shock.

He is completely fine though. For 10 years he slagged off men who did exactly what he has done including his own brother in law. Doing it himself is okay apparently.

How do you ever trust a word anyone says after being so fooled for so long? My marriage was a farce.

No words of advice. Just fist bump - some men are complete cunts.

britneyspearscatsuit Sat 08-Aug-15 11:10:24

Bambino flowers

I don't understand really either. Some people are so seflish, so short sighted, have such odd priorities.

You deserve to be with someone who chooses you, who is faithful and can be relied upon.

InTheBox Sat 08-Aug-15 11:21:48

I've wondered this myself. I think they are able to compartmentalise a great deal. I also think that they 'check out' of the relationship a while before their partner has, so when you're feeling the shock and betrayal they're already somewhat over it iyswim.

broadbeanstew Sat 08-Aug-15 11:30:47

My ex did the same 18months ago. I've given up trying to understand it. It's not so much the ending the relationship, just the callous way he went about it (also affair at work) his total disregard for my feelings, the way he seemed to just think I should just accept it and we could all move on (yes, I was also a 'drama queen' apparently). I also felt, and still do, that he prioritised OW's feelings over the DC, and mine. Such as moving far away for her job, not being able to take the DC on holiday because he was going away with her, cutting short planned weekends with the DC etc.

I agree he compartmentalises, minimises things, sees what he wants to see. We are pretty amicable now, but the lack of what I consider a full apology and/or acknowledgement of the way he totally screwed up my life and left me and the DC in a really awful place still upsets me.

Happytuesdays99 Sat 08-Aug-15 12:07:11

The top and bottom of it is there are lots of men who are not as in to children as you hoped they would be. That's why they find it easy to do this.

Diagonally Sat 08-Aug-15 12:36:31

I think its often because they feel guilt and shame about their actions but they can't really admit it, so they keep on investing in the "new life" and try to keep the old one at arms length.

And yes that would mean they care more about themselves than their DC but there are a lot of people like that, whether or not they live with them.

Something I've observed also is that some parents tend to see their DC as extensions of themselves rather than distinct individuals, so things like how well they are achieving is important, but actually recognising that they are small people with rights and needs and wishes of their own is not so important.

Finally I've also noticed among the "woe is me I never see my DC my ex won't let me" crowd is that it's the loss of control over the exP and the DC causes a sort of victim status where they blame everyone but themselves for their failure to negotiate on divorce / arrangements for the DC etc because they have the mentality that if they can't win, they don't want to "play" at all.

NickiFury Sat 08-Aug-15 12:45:31

It's often male entitlement too. They're entitled to have more! be happy, have it all, have a new relationship unencumbered by the demands of family, leave the hard work of bringing up children to others.

In short, self centred arseholes.

Feelingworriednow Sat 08-Aug-15 12:50:26

But if they have been having an affair they have already gone through the splitting up process even before you realised it had started. My ex left me out of the blue years ago and it has taken me 10 years to truly feel like myself again, he recovered and got his head around the changes because a) he made the choices and b) he chose the timings for when he was ready to do it. Apparently the loss of control over your life is one of the most stressful things a person can go through which is why death, divorce, job loss etc cause so much upset, but think about it, he has never lost control of what is happening. He has what he wants, it is you that have been completely thrown off balance.

Bambino1234 Sat 08-Aug-15 15:07:07

Thanks all I guess I'm just feeling like the injured party. It's been a very long road to get here, new house, new job and schools it just seemed to destroy me and having a 3 and 4 year old to protect and keep happy only added to the pressure.
I know that I shouldn't think about how he has done it, because it doesn't matter really it's already been done and that won't change.
I also thought that perhaps he would want to come back and I'd get the chance to say on your bike.

britneyspearscatsuit Sat 08-Aug-15 15:29:13

My brother had an affair with an OW. I actually stopped speaking to him at the time because his treatment of his exW was atrocious - flaunting the OW - buying a gym because she was a gym instructor (yes...REALLY!!!)

In the end the exW flipped out. Just completely broke mentally and ended up dumping the children with him and OW and disappearing.

3 years on she never came back and started a new life.

Absolutely HORRIBLE for nieces and newphews and I have them regularly to mine and give them lots of love but interestingly it took all of 6 weeks for OW to decide it wasn;t for her and piss off.

Brother lost his house and ended up a single Dad. Single for three years. No help, no lovely date nights out while exW was at home with the kiddies.

I will say on the upside he is a changed man -don't think he'd ever be such a dick again, and he has stepped up to the plate as a Father when he was left with no option BUT...when I think of it...all that to chase some skinny, bimbo pilates instructor who couldn;t have given a genuine shit about him.

Awful for the children. Awful.

But I do think a lot of these men who run off with OW leaving you with all the responsibility are total bastards who could do with a fat, slap in the face and a dose of reality.

britneyspearscatsuit Sat 08-Aug-15 15:32:56

And yes...he mot DEFINITELY had a sense of entitlement.

Why shouldn't he be happy?

Why shoudn't he be with new OW who "loved" him?

Did he not deserve to be happy?

His exW was "boring".

The new woman was tall, skinny and dressed like a prostitute (actually was mistaken for one)

At the time he absolutely compartmentalised it. He could not see that he was a total dick, could not see it was not okay and we came to verbal blows so many times over it (incidentally I didn't like his wife! just felt it was morally wrong to behave that way to Mum of your kids).

He had everyone feeling sorry for him, telling my Mum his exW was cold and unapreciative and actually demanded to me that his OW be invited to my birthday party and threatened to make my life "difficult" if I did not agree!

He looks back now and barely remember the monster he was.

What is it with men and a short skirt?


VulcanWoman Sat 08-Aug-15 15:43:49

I don't understand it either, they're fools, they'll be the loser in the end because they won't have a relationship with their children. Have you heard the 'cats in the cradle' song. All we can do is make the best life we can for ourselves and our children, unfortunately you can't make someone be involved, not that you should have to.

Bambino1234 Sat 08-Aug-15 16:38:02

I just don't think I could hurt someone in the way I have been.
You know I except people change, needs differ and we grow apart.
If your inky option is to go behind your children's mothers back and leave then something must be wrong.
I am over him leaving that is his choice, I can't seem to get over of the treatment towards me and the children.
He will go the two weeks between visiting without a word - not because we can't be civil but because I guess his new life is more important, yet this week he dropped them off with a bag full of my favourite desserts having made a special trip to the supermarket- he has been in touch once to ask if I had enjoyed but heard nothing since and it's behaviour like that that makes me feel even worse.

Diagonally Sat 08-Aug-15 20:20:15

Bambino if he's doing things like that his head's still very much up his a*se. Just try and stay detached and focus on you.

Everything we do has consequences. You don't need to create them for him, they will come of their own accord.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 08-Aug-15 20:39:03

He may think he's being nice, he may just want you to keep thinking about him, or (IMO most likely) it's his way of assuaging his guilt. See, he did something nice for you, he's a great guy after all.

No. He isn't. What he did was shitty, and what he's doing now doesn't help at all, it just keeps you in a state of confusion. He'd do better to not buy you anything at all, then you could start to move on.

Joy69 Sat 08-Aug-15 20:43:37

My ex & I still live in the same house ( not for much longer though ��). He has an ow; Since she came on the scene he doesn't come back at night, sometimes for 2 nights. Doesn't bother me, but he never thinks of kids, or tells them he's not coming back. Find it disgusting that he thinks so little of them.

Bambino1234 Sat 08-Aug-15 21:08:43

Thanks all I guess it's just one of those things I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would not have played nice at all , he'd of used it against me at every turn.

I don't think I believe in karma, I'm not sure what I believe anymore just hopeful that I'll be happier in the long run and he'll perhaps have a pang of regret at some stage.

Onmyownwith4kids Sat 08-Aug-15 22:19:50

My ex sent a text recently saying his children are. "His world," he's not seen them for 6 weeks. Since he left for ow he has never taken them away or had them overnight. The ow is very welcome to him but I still get angry that someone can disregard 4 kids so easily. Have come to the conclusion they're 'his world' as a useful ego boost when he sees them but reality of looking after them is too much. Like you I wonder how he could do it. My kids never mention their dad any more. I tried so hard to get him to see them but it becomes wasted energy. I'll never understand it

Cabrinha Sat 08-Aug-15 22:45:13

I think you have to remember that the thing that made them think it was OK to cheat was selfishness. And selfishness allows them to put themselves ahead of their children and wives. It's not actually that surprising that it goes hand in hand, really.

My XH is forced to have our child a lot because of my work. He'd have lost the house if he'd made my work difficult. He's very passive and very lazy, which work for me in this respect - I just told him when he was doing child care.

But the weekends we do ad hoc. By default with me unless he asks. For EIGHT MONTHS he didn't request a single weekend until he got a girlfriend with a child so it was convenient to show her off and keep the other kid entertained. He only asks for her when they're visiting. Hasn't in the last 8 weeks.

I hate the bit when she says "why don't I see Daddy at the weekend very often at all mummy?"

I'm not telling a 6yo - because he's too fucking selfish to put in the effort, love. I'm hoping the weekday evenings 1:1 mean she'll not clock that he only has her at weekends when she's a Disney Dad accessory.

He loves her. But he's too fucking selfish to deal with entertaining her from 06:30-21:00 every weekend day.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 09-Aug-15 07:35:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambino1234 Sun 09-Aug-15 10:38:00

Someone who had left their fiancé and child for a coworker said that it was easier to continue with the affair partner than face what they had done at home,it was easier to bury his head and not face up to what he had done.
He said either way someone he cared about was going to get hurt and whilst his fiancé and child should of been important he knew in the long run nothing would be the same again he had ruined that he said now the novelty of the woman has worn off and he feels ashamed for what he has done , but that's all hindsight.
I don't know I guess some men feel like this and others are just able to leave one life and start another.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now