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Does anyone else have this with their sister?

(25 Posts)
BakeOffBabe Sat 08-Aug-15 10:30:26

Made plans with my Mum today to see some relatives who are currently visiting from overseas. A couple of days ago, my Mum tells me they are now planning to go somewhere else with my sister and her family and is that okay for us?

As it happens, it wasn't as it would have meant a 2 to 2.5 hour drive for us one way. We've both been at work all week and I am out all day on Sunday.

Back story is my Dad died a couple of years ago and my Mum now lives close to my sister. (We live about an hour away.) I'm the younger one without children and my sister has older children but doesn't work (so sees quite a bit more of my Mum).

I'm so cheesed off. I've lost count of the number of times i've made plans with my Mum and it gets superseded by what my sister suggests. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and I'm certain she doesn't intentionally muscle in on things. It's just my Mum always chooses to go with whatever she decides.

My Mum and sister are closer personality wise so given the choice she seems to prefer spending time with her. I'm quieter and more introverted and seem to have spent most of my life feeling overlooked. I'm sure most people who know me would be surprised at that as I probably come across as quite confident/someone who knows their own mind.

Anyone experienced the same/have any wise words to make me feel a bit better?

NewsreaderChic Sat 08-Aug-15 10:32:40

She's your sister, just tell her it doesn't work for you. Mine can be a bit thoughtless at times, but she'd probably say the same about me. When it's family you should just speak up.

BakeOffBabe Sat 08-Aug-15 10:38:20

Well, I did tell my Mum but they've all gone with Plan B anyway!

nozzz Sat 08-Aug-15 11:14:51

Yeah, I don't quite follow - what we're your sister's thoughts when you spoke to her about this?

BakeOffBabe Sat 08-Aug-15 11:26:25

I haven't spoken to my sister about it.

Made plans with my Mum to see the relatives today. She then saw my sister a couple of days ago who suggested that we could all go out for the day. Trouble is, where they have gone is almost a five hour round trip for us so not the greatest idea (from our point of view!). I said we wouldn't go as it was just too far for us.

My Mum was really apologetic. I let it go but it happens a lot in that we make plans only for them to change because my sister has a 'better idea'.

TopOfTheCliff Sat 08-Aug-15 11:34:13

I totally understand your hurt. But talking to your mum won't achieve any change because she is set in a pattern. She is taking the easiest path because good old Bakeoff doesn't make a fuss when she is left out of things to please BigSis.
You either need to be more vocal about your hurt and ask your mother directly to include you in a way that works for you, or tackle your sister. The risk is that they essentially say "Actually we prefer our plan even though it excludes you because your feelings don't matter to us enough to inconvenience us" and then you have to deal with that hurt too.
Enjoy your day without the long drive in it. I expect some of the family will be sorry you aren't there.

Kewcumber Sat 08-Aug-15 11:42:16

You either need to be more vocal about your hurt and ask your mother directly to include you in a way that works for you, or tackle your sister.

Your Mum being apologetic is pointless you need to say so

"Being apologetic doesn't cut it, Mum, we made plans which suited both of us and at the last minute you have changed them. It's rude and I find it incredibly hurtful that I've been cut out of plans"

DeckSwabber Sat 08-Aug-15 13:01:38

I'd just not go, if I were you. Say 'that doesn't work for me, so if you'd rather do that I'll give it a miss'.

And speak to your sister.

Kewcumber Sat 08-Aug-15 13:04:22

She isn't going - that doesn't seem to matter. I would be very hurt by that and would let my mum and sister know. clearly.

pictish Sat 08-Aug-15 13:10:10 communicate your feelings calmly and firmly. No wheedling...there's no need to, because the facts speak for themselves. The plans which suited you were rudely changed on your sister's whim and it is not the first time it has happened.

Handywoman Sat 08-Aug-15 13:19:55

I have this to an extent with my big sis. It's like there is a sibling who is deferred to to know 'what's the best plan' for all the family. Normally dressed up as 'let's ALL go' but actually can be thoughtless and domineering. My brother comes off worse because he struggles to be assertive and is rubbish at forward planning (my big sis is forward planner par excellence). My sis can be a bit of a bully to him. Twas ever thus, though, was the same when we were all kids!

What happens now, OP, will be telling. Time to state assertively that you are not happy about your plans being over-ruled.

These patterns are hard to break, though. I find it frustrating. You have my sympathy.

Kewcumber Sat 08-Aug-15 13:22:53

Yes calm, firm and short. In fact you could probably just say this The plans which suited you were rudely changed on your sister's whim and it is not the first time it has happened.!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 08-Aug-15 13:28:57

That's a bit shit, isn't it. sad
Does it mean you won't get to see these relatives, or will you be making plans to see them another time before they go?

BUt if it's a pattern, then you need to have a talk with both your mum and your sister and tell them that you can't just fit in with what they decide every time, because it doesn't always work for you.

I had a sort of similar thing, my family would organise things for the weekend at the last minute and then phone me on the Friday, say, expecting me to be free. Well, I mostly wasn't free, so I used to tell them I couldn't go if they didn't give me more notice. After a while it started to work, if they actually wanted me there (which, to be fair, they did) then they would give me a few days notice to see if I was actually going to be around or if they could work round what I was doing. My sister never went anywhere (nor did my parents really) so she was always around at the weekend and could always come along - it was just me who had other stuff to do and they couldn't seem to get their heads round this. I am the older sister though.

But you need to talk to them and explain that, just because you are younger and have no children, doesn't mean you can be over-ridden all the time and expect to just fit in, they still need to consider you equally when making plans.

Floralnomad Sat 08-Aug-15 13:37:15

I would tread very carefully , you said yourself that your mum sees more of your sister and perhaps she sees her as a support - whereas you are not so much ,your mum given the choice of who to upset will choose the person who ,if upset ,will have less of an effect on her in the next couple of weeks . Our family has a similar situation ( albeit we all live within 30 mins of each other) and I know my mum given a similar circumstance would choose the sister who she relies on most .

DeckSwabber Sat 08-Aug-15 14:07:30

Its pretty shit to overturn the plans that you ha already made so that you end up being the one who misses out.

My family are pretty crap like this as well.

BakeOffBabe Sat 08-Aug-15 14:25:53

Thanks everyone, feel a bit better that you agree with me.

Original plan was to go out for something to eat at a nice pub but plan that superceded this was a day out (think National Trust property type of day out). It was on the relative's wish list but I thought they were going to do it on a week day. I think what upsets me is that there is no consideration for us in the sense of, 'let's all go out together somewhere within easy reach of all of us'. They've gone today because sister's DH drove them and he's at work all week.

To start with I was thinking it was a bit petty but now I think about it there's absolutely no consideration for me. We work all week so we're very limited on time and only really available at the weekend (as the traffic is murder to get to my Mum's during the week). We're both taking a day off next week to go out for the day otherwise we won't get to see them at this rate.

My Mum is lovely but a complete pushover when it comes to putting her foot down. I can imagine that the conversation went along the lines of, "It will be a really nice day on Saturday so why don't we go to Bagshawe Abbey? That's on your list of things to do and DH can drive... We can all go together. I'm sure BakeOff won't mind...". Well, i wouldn't have minded if it wasn't such a sodding long way!

My sister is absolutely lovely and certainly not a bully but the world does very much revolve around her and what suits her and her family.

I know that I should raise the issue with my Mum and my sister but I really don't think they will get it. I'll get a response along the lines of, "Oh well, we didn't do it on purpose, we thought you'd enjoy a day out all together." They'll both be thinking to themselves, "Oh BakeOff is so temperamental. She's always been the difficult moody one."

DeckSwabber Sat 08-Aug-15 14:44:46

They'll both be thinking to themselves, "Oh BakeOff is so temperamental. She's always been the difficult moody one."

Grr - I know! I get this. Presented with three options I might say, I can do A or B but C really won't work for me (for really solid reasons), then they'll choose C and tell me I've upset everyone.

mynewpassion Sat 08-Aug-15 16:21:15

Why didn't you make plans directly with the relatives? Say that you live far away and work all week but would love to see and take them out for lunch.

Your problem was relying on third party (your mother) to make plans that sounds fluid rather than firm.

Flangeshrub Sat 08-Aug-15 17:07:14

This is exactly the dynamic in my family. I've taken a step back to avoid getting hurt and they've actually left me out completely, I suspect justifying it by blaming me as being the 'moody' one.

My mum and sister are together nearly all the time and my mum throws me a crumb when my sister has made other plans. Very hurtful.

LazyLouLou Sat 08-Aug-15 17:11:53

Oh, Lazy s always the temperamental, difficult one too.

I have lost count of the extended family holidays, get togethers and celebrations I have been berated for not attending. That I have never been invited seems to be y fault too smile

A few years ago there was a big family occasion, afterwards the hosts emailed everyone, including me, to arrange for copies of the family picture to be ordered. A little line said asked me if I would like one, despite not having attended.

I am afraid to say I emailed a reply to everyone explaining that I found it difficult to explain without hurting anyone's feelings exactly why I didn't want a picture of a family event I had not been invited to, had no knowledge of and felt excluded from. I asked them all to get back to me with helpful suggestions as to how I could arrange to be invited... I have heard nothing.

My dad did mention it, he felt I had let him down. My sister told the hosts that I was just a miserable bitch, probably because all of the family so obviously hates me. A couple of aunts nearly fainted on hearing that, bless them grin

You may have guessed, I have long not given a stuff. You may have to learn how to successfully think 'sod them' too.

DeckSwabber Sat 08-Aug-15 20:44:48

LazyLouLou that's awful.

I've been cut of by family because they've all agreed that I'm the problem, despite a tonne of evidence to the contrary. I think its just too hard for them to revise a lifetime of propaganda from people who are covering up for their own crappiness.

I once suggested to my brother that he and I could take our mum out to lunch for her birthday. He agreed, then something came up and he told my mum he was too busy. Didn't bother to tell me. I found out when my stepfather told me at another party! Then when I went over on the day (on my own) I found out that my stepfather had booked a restaurant of his choice, again without telling me. I think he meant well as he realised my brother had left me in the lurch but I felt like shit.

LazyLouLou Sun 09-Aug-15 11:12:44

Ooh! I should have added that DSis is on my side, her comment was fully intended to induce vapours, support me! Now her DS is grown she too gets forgotten, so she knows how it is.

I just find it funny now. I have even been known to use FB to ask how they got on, what the weather/food was like, giving guilty bones a little jiggle smile

ARV1981 Sun 09-Aug-15 11:47:02

It's similar for me too.

I've just stopped doing stuff with the family.

My dad died two years ago. I was very close to him, always had been even as a baby - mum couldn't settle me but dad could! Since he died, my sister and her husband and my nephew moved in with mum (they moved across the country to be closer to her) and lived with her for about a year. I think it's a good thing they did this - mum needed someone with her.

But... there have been many many occasions when plans I've made to see mum have been overturned by my sister or her husband. For example, on mother's day I expected my sister and her husband to want to do something as a family, so arranged to visit mum, planning to take a nice lunch over to her to have together. Nothing massive, but just to show her that she's important to me etc.

On the way there (we live an hour away) I called to ask if there was anything they needed that I could pick up en route... they'd all gone out together! Turns out my delightful bil had planned a surprise for mum and sister, even though mum had WRITTEN ON THE CALENDAR that I was visiting.

In the end I put the flowers I'd bought her on dad's grave and posted the present I'd bought her through the door - even though I know where the spare key is hidden. I just felt so hurt that she would just up and leave, knowing we'd made plans and hadn't thought to tell me that's what she was doing.

I have stopped expecting any kind of support from her or the rest of the family (even though I will help them if needed). I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby and feel like my little one won't get the granny relationship my nephew has with her... but my MiL is lovely and my sister's is horrible so I guess I have it lucky in some ways!

DeckSwabber Sun 09-Aug-15 11:58:07

ARV that's awful. I'm so sorry.

What is it with these people?

TheHoneyBadger Sun 09-Aug-15 12:22:17

it was always like this with me - more how other posters have put it than the op where you're the awkward one because you can't magically fall in with plans that others have arranged without including you or considering you and last minute telling you you are expected to attend with the assumption you exist in a vacuum with no life or responsibilities of our own.

also everything was dictated by my sister. christmas day even. so it was dance to her tune regardless of how ill it fit me and my child or not attend and be accused of 'ruining things' for everyone or depriving my child of a family life.

these things were just the tip of the iceberg really in my case and i've been no contact for a fair while now after way too long of being treated like dirt on shoes.

in your situation (where you suspect it is not malicious just thoughtless) i would refuse to accept that the sister's plan was the final option. did it occur to you to say ok well we can't do that as it will be too far for us, let's think of somewhere in between instead so we can all go?

also i note you say your mum is a pushover yet you claim her personality is more like your sisters than yours - are you sure that's correct? maybe you and your mum are both a bit pushover-ish and therefore your sister always gets her own way because neither of you will challenge it.

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