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What a cliche - Ex and best friend

(7 Posts)
wotsit1999 Sat 08-Aug-15 01:16:45

My ex left me 7 years ago when I was 18 and discovered I was pregnant. My best friend and him had a relationship that I believed breached boundaries as our relationship ended and afterwards for a while, they were secretive about contact etc. I stopped talking to my best friend for 6 months but no more came from it between them. I do not believe anything physical happened. I forgave my friend after her mum became very poorly and passed away a few months later. Ex met someone else and was with her for 6 years, this ended recently.

Fast forward to 2 months ago. My friend began acting very distant, I was struggling to get hold of her. It was my birthday recently and we usually spend all special occasions together however when she failed to get back to me I thought it was odd. She was also avoiding our mutual friends, no one had heard from her.

My son came home from spending a week with his dad 2 days ago and told me my friend was there, in bed kissing daddy. I phoned him, he was vile and basically informed me they are engaged and planning on starting a family.

I am in shock... She has left her job and moved over 200 miles away to be with him, without myself or any of our friends knowing (he has been in the job for years). I know that they are 2 consenting adults, we split a long time ago, but my god I am devastated that I have lost my best friend/she wasn't who I thought she was. Everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of her, we have shared so many memories.

I haven't said a word to her, she texted me simply apologising and saying she knew it wasn't enough. I haven't replied... I don't know what I could possibly say. I felt so hurt and betrayed. I don't really know what I am looking for by posting this. To vent, to gain some perspective, I'm not sure. I'm just hurting so badly sadsad

I don't know whether I should speak to her, if I will gain 'closure', I have so many questions but at the same time I don't want to see either of them again. The thought of her children being related to mine...! And her being a step mum to my child?! I am completely and utterly baffled.

notwhistlersmother Sat 08-Aug-15 01:29:26

Well regardless of what happens- she is going to be a part of your life whether you want her to be or not.

What is she like as a friend itherwise? If she is pretty good to you- then I say let it go, maybe take a bit of a step back but theres no reason why your friendship should end- especially if she is going to be a stepparent to your son.

Im sure your a little hurt that she didnt tell you- but maybe she didnt know how to. Doesnt mean it was an easy decision for her. Maybe a chat is in order.

NickiFury Sat 08-Aug-15 02:16:26

I wouldn't speak to her and would no longer want her as a friend. I wouldn't want my ex to have the insight into my life that a friendship with her would give him.

I'd be impeccably polite and pleasant but I would never consider her a friend. She isn't.

Cabrinha Sat 08-Aug-15 07:27:47

I agree with NickiFury that I wouldn't want this mix of friendship and would back away - they're 200 miles away anyway.

I also understand that even though this is 7 years on, it will be bringing up your hurt and anger and suspicions from then too, and she's obviously been keeping it from you when she shouldn't have. So I don't think your INITIAL reaction is an over reaction.

But in time... I'm not sure they've done much wrong?

You say he left you when you discovered you were pregnant - which sounds like an accidental pregnancy. That's horrible for you - but far worse if he'd stayed with you when he didn't want to and you were tied to him in a shit marriage now! What matters isn't whether he stayed with you, but how he's behaved since. Not much to go on, but he hasn't had a thousand girlfriends in and out of his son's life, and he sees him.

I think your friend has behaved appalling not telling you, and she knows it - from not telling others too. I think he has been a shit letting you find out this way.

But she can't be all bad if you've wanted to be friends for 7 years. So perhaps it's not all bad, having someone you know and like as stepmother. And at least they're 200 miles away!

Rage and scream initially, but you need to then let this one go.

nequidnimis Sat 08-Aug-15 07:49:32

I wouldn't like it either, for all sorts of reasons, but there really isn't anything you can do except be polite when contact is unavoidable.

Personally I would be trying very hard to appear unconcerned, and to not give them the drama they're expecting.

There are definitely positives in that someone familiar will be with your DC when they visit, someone they like.

If this is true love and they are together forever then there is nothing to be gained by souring your relationship, but I think it's more likely that your ex - recently out of a long term relationship - has rebounded to a dead cert, that it won't last, and that your friend will come to regret her choices. The speed of the engagement and family planning has disaster written all over it IMO.

sandgrown Sat 08-Aug-15 07:55:42

The one positive of my ex leaving for best friend is that the kids already knew her well and were great friends with their future stepsister. They were very confused at first though!

Twowrongsdontmakearight Sat 08-Aug-15 09:23:18

I can imagine your huge shock about all this and your sense of betrayal by a close friend. Sadly that best friend will be lost to you for now. But not necessarily forever in time you may be able to be friendly again once the bruises have healed.

For your DS's sake at least you know that his step M is a nice person that will care for him properly when he is there. She is someone that, once the shock and hurt has faded, you actually like. I know of several families where parents and step parents get on well and the atmosphere is warm and friendly. And much better for the DC than ones who hate each other.

She didn't break up your relationship. It would have been far better of she'd let you know that a relationship was developing so it wouldn't be such a bombshell, and for that she is cowardly. But as she is obviously nice in other ways, give it time and things may actually turn out well.

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