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How do I decide if I leave or stay and try to make it work?

(8 Posts)
Beaverfeaver2 Fri 07-Aug-15 22:24:17

Dh told me the other night that he had been thinking of leaving me.
He thinks I'm distant and that he has been scared of me coming home each day and telling him I'm leaving.
He doesn't want to live like that.
He has said he would stay with me if I start to show him I love him more.

We haven't been right for 6 months at least since fertility issues, job issues and family issues have been rife.

I seem to be distancing myself from him and I can see I'm doing it and I don't really want to spend any time at home anymore.
I'm happier when I'm on my own or with other people and I think it's because when I'm with him it's tense and I'm reminded of our problems.

So I spoke to my mum and told her what's been happening and she said she could tell I haven't been happy for a while but that every marriage is difficult and not everyone loves each other in a marriage like they did when they first got together and I should continue to try and make it work.

My problem is I can't see that as the right thing to do.
He is a good man generally and provides very well.
We don't have children.
My job is on the rocks.
We have a nice home and a dog.
I wouldn't be able to afford to live alone or stay in my house.
I would have to move in with my parents.
These are the things I'm most scared about with us separating. Plus about being alone forever which mum has warned me could possibly happen.
Dh has also told me that my fertility problems won't just go away if I meet someone new.

So after thinking like this for a few days it doesn't really seem that I'm scared of breaking up for the right reasons to try and make it work anymore?
Should I give it a few months?

worserevived Fri 07-Aug-15 23:03:00

From what you have written it seems that the problem is within, and I would recommend on dealing with that before walking away from your marriage. Have you considered counselling to help you work through the issues that are troubling you?

You Dh should be there for you at times of stress, but if you are continually pushing him away he is going to feel very rejected.

How would you feel if he left and settled down with someone else? Your honest reaction to that scenario should give you some steer as to whether or not you should stay in your marriage.

Beaverfeaver2 Fri 07-Aug-15 23:08:59

I think he would be happier.
I feel I'm holding him back on happiness.
We are great friends but not great partners or lovers.

startagainonmonday Fri 07-Aug-15 23:16:45

"every marriage is difficult" - what rubbish. My ex MIL told me something very similar, thank god I didn't listen or I wouldn't be with my lovely new DH now.

Having said that if you're only staying primarily because of the financials then you're probably just delaying the inevitable. Why can't you afford to move out? When I left exH I stayed at my mum's for a bit then rented a room in a house, would something like that be an option?

If you do want to work on your relationship for another few months then you need a proper plan of action - if nothing changes then nothing changes. What would your idea of giving things a go actually entail?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Fri 07-Aug-15 23:20:16

Take a coin. Heads you stay, tails you leave.

Toss and do whatever it says

Actually, you don't do what it says, but your first reaction to the outcome will tell you a lot about how you feel about the situation - if the coin "told" you to leave and you had an awful stomach lurch, that probably means that it's worth you sorting out your relationship. If your response was "phew", then it probably is game over

Morganly Fri 07-Aug-15 23:40:11

Counselling, individual and/or relationship.

WhatifIdid Fri 07-Aug-15 23:48:04

He's thinking of leaving because he thinks you might be thinking of leaving? What is he? 5?

You both need to talk together really honestly about whether you'd like to renew your commitment to each other. If your relationship is to improve then you both need to be working on that and understand what is wrong for each other so that you both share an understanding of what needs to change.

If you can't get through to each other or agree on how things should change then you're probably at the end of the road.

If your fertility is a problem are you having treatment? Would that stop if you split with your h?

lavenderhoney Sun 09-Aug-15 12:39:28

You sound pretty overwhelmed with everything tbh. Leaving will just create more problems and distract from job/ fertility etc. I don't think it's the time to make major decisions about your marriage.

Tackle the job first, and get stable in that. Write down all the other issues - your dh too- and put them on hold until the biggest one you can control and have power over is sorted out. A month to do that.

Then look at the other issues and see how no action has resolved them or they have moved anyway. Be very kind to each other, and accept it's difficult at the moment but take the pressure off yourselves. Pick another issue. Deal with that one and so on.

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