Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't trust my judgement right now. And I need advice, quick. :(

(106 Posts)
takenlikeafool Fri 07-Aug-15 20:14:51

This might end up as being really long, so apologies in advance. I'm doing this as anon just in case there is any backlash.

So, about 3-4 weeks ago, I joined impulse decision after being single for about 2 years, and having not dated anyone for just over 1. I met someone very quickly - lets call him David - within 24 hours on a Sunday morning, and arranged a date for that Thursday. A quick drink in a pub.

On the Tuesday, a colleague set me up with a friend. I arranged the date for Wednesday, thinking it's best to get it out the way cause I didn't really feel any attraction, definitely nothing like David. I told David, just to be totally transparent. And he called the date off, saying it was a bit 'weird' and that he was a 'one man girl'.

Fair enough. I went on the date with the colleagues friend, wasn't great as predicted. In fact it was really awkward. On the Thursday, I took a punt and asked David out for a drink. He said yes. Hoorah!!

We met that night, had a drink, ended up getting some food, and then going to McDonalds to get a Mcflurry! Totally hit it off, and it was literally love at first sight. He literally took my breath away when I first saw him, and I've never experienced anything like it. While we were eating our McFlurry's we spoke about us, and I said I would delete my Match account. I didn't feel like I needed it anymore, and anyway, at least this way I could get a refund, hahaha. He agreed, and said he would do the same, that we should only date each other, that he wouldn't even look at another girl etc etc. We kissed. A lot. It was the perfect, sweetest date.

At this stage, I should mention, I am 24. He is 43. Just an FYI. I generally like older guys, and so it suits me. He's divorced, no kids.

That weekend, we spent together. Saturday, we went to a park, I went back to his place, and I very nearly went all the way with him. I ended up giving him head. He loved it.. as most do. Sunday, I cooked a dinner for him, and we slept together. Way too quick, I know. Shit happens.

I see him on Wednesday. Cook dinner for him. Have sex again. Also end up having anal. Really good night again. I offer, but he doesn't stay. Leaves very late.

He's busy for the rest of the week and the weekend. We see each other again this Tuesday. Go for a meal in the middle of town, which is really lovely. I pay, and he's pretty shocked at that, but doesn't argue when I insist. We go back to mine. Have cuddles, have sex. It was absolutely incredible, and so incredibly passionate and loving.

The next day - Wednesday, we arranged to see each other again. And he asked if I'd like to stay with him, I excitedly accepted - he's been quite nervous about sleeping over at mine, so I thought I might as well do it first and ease his nerves a bit. It was a lovely night, if not a bit awkward, as the first night together normally is. We got a takeaway, watched a couple of films. Had sex. It was pretty good. Post coital, we had a little cuddle, and played on our phones.. he was showing me stuff on his Facebook.. while doing so, a notification from Plenty of Fish popped up: 'XXXXX wants to meet you!!'.

What the fuck. He tries to swipe it away, but I've already seen it. I didn't even know he was on Plenty of Fish, as well as Match. I don't say anything, until later when I see all his apps, and I make a comment about him having a load of dating apps. 'Ahh, yeah, I can't be bothered to delete them'.


At this stage, we go to bed and I don't mention anything about it again. I'm gutted and totally in shock, even though I don't know whether he's active or not.

I mention everything to my housemates when I get back home on Thursday night after work. And we decide to look for his profile. We find it, and find out he has been 'online today'. Okay, it might just be him logging in from the night before... we'll try again later.

At this point, we make an actual (totally fake) profile, and 'show interest' in him. Today, I've found out he has looked at my profile. I've also seen he's been online on POF and Match at the same time as the fake profile.

So now, I'm not sure what to think. I know I've totally gone OOT but I also think if we were meant to be exclusive then he shouldn't be online on the dating apps at all.. I know I wouldn't have stayed over at his, and I definitely wouldn't have had any form of sex with him if I had known he was still crawling through the sites.

Am I right to be angry and hurt? I'm not quite sure what I should do know - do I stay quiet and just carry on? After all we've only been dating for a couple weeks. Or do I mention it?

I think I'd like to mention it, but I'd have to do it over text because I just couldn't bear for him to know that I'm really upset about it.. I don't even know what to say. AIBU?? Any advice or observations would be great. x

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 07-Aug-15 20:17:39

He's a player. Get rid.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 07-Aug-15 20:19:15

By all means have a conversation with him about it, he will try and talk his way out of it, so v little point really. He's a knob.

Ouchbloodyouch Fri 07-Aug-15 20:27:56


takenlikeafool Fri 07-Aug-15 20:29:32

Yeah. This is my worry, I feel like he's just going to be defensive and I have no clue how the hell to handle that. What a mindfuck..

loveyoutothemoon Fri 07-Aug-15 20:31:26

He was probably just looking. You've only been dating 3-4 weeks. I wouldn't bin him off yet! On POF when someone wants to meet you it means they have clicked a button because they like the look of you.
Doesn't sound as though he's done anything wrong. Doesn't mean he's been on a date/thinking of going on a date.

ImperialBlether Fri 07-Aug-15 20:35:48

God, you really haven't read The Rules, have you? No matter what you would think of that book, bear in mind you have broken every single one.

All of this is wrong on so many levels that I don't know where you to start. Where you are absolutely right is that you shouldn't trust your own judgement. Your boundaries are completely skewed.

woowoo22 Fri 07-Aug-15 20:36:37

I think this is bizarre. How long have you known him??

FolkGirl Fri 07-Aug-15 20:37:31

He's still online.

Don't fall for any of the reasons he gives you. Seriously.

I'm 40. I've had enough experience of 40 something men doing OD to tell you that, based on this, he's still looking. He's not serious. And he will lie.

Dump him. At 24, you definitely deserve better!

rouxlebandit Fri 07-Aug-15 20:38:08

But you had sex him on only the second date. You hardly knew him.

takenlikeafool Fri 07-Aug-15 20:40:01

3 weeks. Which is why I'm fuming at myself, because it's not like me at all to behave like this - from the sex, to the paranoia, to actually even giving a fuck.

Honestly, I doubt I even have boundaries, cause I've just let him take me on a ride. And as for not trusting judgement, why do you think I'm here?

FolkGirl Fri 07-Aug-15 20:41:03

But moon they've had the 'exclusive talk' and he agreed to come off match. He hasn't and he's on pof (at least!) too.

Not good. I have learnt my lesson, if I were to do OD again, there would be no second chances for this.

Oh and I had a secret 2nd profile that I only used to check for them being online after we'd had the chat.

AnyFucker Fri 07-Aug-15 20:46:09

he is a fucking hypocrite

and yes, you've been taken for a ride

did you enjoy it for what it was though ? ie. a short term thing ?

the only mistake you made was believing his bulls hit. ..the rest of it I guess you enjoyed as much as he did, right ?

next time, take half of what they say and take fuck all of it as truth

takenlikeafool Fri 07-Aug-15 20:47:29

Imperial Ha, I thought I was the only one with a 2nd profile.

I wouldn't care so much if we hadn't said we were exclusive. And I'm gutted dream guy isn't so dreamy after all.

NoahVale Fri 07-Aug-15 20:49:47

are you going to write him off?

no one needs to jump head first into relationships. he is simply keeping his options open, as should you.

NoahVale Fri 07-Aug-15 20:50:45

there is a big age gap to consider.
sounds too big.
you sound like you are getting involved way to quickly

ARV1981 Fri 07-Aug-15 20:50:49

And I'm gutted dream guy isn't so dreamy after all.

They never are.

Chalk it up to experience and don't fall so fast next time.

FolkGirl Fri 07-Aug-15 20:51:06

I'm with AF on this. Enjoy it for what it was - a bit of short term fun, and a lesson in boundaries and not believing a word they tell you.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 07-Aug-15 20:54:59

You've been dating 3 weeks! I'm surprised you've agreed to come of dating sites so soon. He said he'll come off but he's not straight away-so what!

takenlikeafool Fri 07-Aug-15 20:56:05

AF I've never heard that saying before, but actually it's spot on.

I enjoyed it a bit too much. I didn't really expect this to be short term at all though.

Noah - I've had serious, long-term relationships with older guys before - with much bigger (+30yrs) gaps. No idea whether I'll write him off, but not sure how I would move past it without approaching it to him?

loveyoutothemoon Fri 07-Aug-15 20:58:55

If he's into you, you've nothing to worry about. If not you'll soon know. Chill out. Don't pressure him. You'll end up pushing him away, he could be decent. Maybe he's just being nosey before he closes it down.

VaviaVive Fri 07-Aug-15 20:59:28

You two are going waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy too fast

FolkGirl Fri 07-Aug-15 21:00:38

Well good luck. I'd write him off tbh. Not being honest about being on other sites, saying he'd come off and then not...

He should have said he'd rather keep his profile up for a while. Rather than lie about it

takenlikeafool Fri 07-Aug-15 21:04:09

Vavia And don't I know it. I think I've just got swept up in it all really.

VaviaVive Fri 07-Aug-15 21:05:13

Then get rid quick! It doesn't bode well

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now