Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Morals and cheating friend

(17 Posts)
choccycornflakecakes Fri 07-Aug-15 20:04:58

A close friend recently confided that she's having an affair. I could see it coming actually (started off as an EA and then developed..), I did warn her in the early stages that feelings may develop without her even realising.
Husband is a good hardworking man but too much of a workaholic for her so she doesn't feel like she's getting enough attention/affection. Think she gets both from OM.
Beautiful DC are 7, 5 and 3.

Have distanced myself from her because I'm finding her behaviour selfish, uncharacteristic and well..just not right. There's no justification right? Even if you are feeling ignored? (She has discussed this with DH, he's really trying I think, but not good at expressing emotions apparently).
It just seems so sordid to me, but she doesn't seem to think she's doing anything that wrong..

SamJohnsonsBoy Fri 07-Aug-15 20:10:18

I've been in a similar situation with a friend who cheated on her DH for pretty much the same reasons. Disapprove by all means but do it privately, is my advice and keep well out of it.

choccycornflakecakes Fri 07-Aug-15 20:16:20

Think you're right Sam, best to stay out of it. I haven't openly been strongly disapproving but then I felt I was condoning it. But yes - it's her life to live how she wants.

TRexingInAsda Fri 07-Aug-15 20:29:25

It's not your place to decide if there's justification or not - you don't know the whole situation, nor would you want to, I imagine. But there's no harm in backing off if you're feeling uncomfortable.

Inexperiencedchick Fri 07-Aug-15 23:21:11

Please don't judge her.

winkywinkola Fri 07-Aug-15 23:22:47

Please don't judge her? Really?

If she's unhappy then she should either tackle her marriage issues or leave her marriage.

Lying and cheating is asking for judgement. And the rest.

Morganly Fri 07-Aug-15 23:36:48

I know this is really hard, but this is so so wrong. I think you should either tell him, tell her to tell him or cut her out of your life. I know, I know, this is harsh and difficult but that poor man. Imagine how he will feel when he finds out. Put yourself in his shoes. You'd want to know wouldn't you? Imagine finding out at some point in the future and knowing that friends knew and kept the secret.

romeomorningwhisky Fri 07-Aug-15 23:37:38

She's your friend
Whether you approve or not you should still support her, be her friend & be there to help pick up the pieces if need be.
True friendship should be unconditional !

DorisDazzler Sat 08-Aug-15 00:25:11

I wouldn't offer anyone unconditional friendship. Unconditional anything is reserved for children and even that has its limits.

I would back off personally. When affairs are discovered the betrayed spouse usually wants to know who knew and who supported it. They're often perceived as toxic and cut out when they decide to work on the marriage. She's put you in a awful position. This sort of thing can also cause problems in your own marriage.

wednesdayblues Sat 08-Aug-15 00:37:12

My ex had an affair, apparently there were loads of rumours/ sightings, and I felt like I was the last to know. For me it wasn't the fact he had the affair it was the lying; some friends have since told me they felt terrible about not telling me, but if they had I would have challenged and he still would have denied it!! So I don't blame friends for not saying anything.

If I were you I'd say you are her friend but don't condone her behaviour, she cannot carry on like this and to make a decision on her marriage before bringing someone else into it. It is just not fair on her DH as the emotional impact on him will be huge if he finds out... Even if he doesn't show it!

SolidGoldBrass Sat 08-Aug-15 01:07:18

Keep your beak out. It's not your business: you are not the Monogamy Police.

mynewpassion Sat 08-Aug-15 01:18:13

Said friend dragged the OP into the business when she confided about the affair.

OP tell friend that you don't approve and will not discuss the affair or her feelings related to the affair.

DorisDazzler Sat 08-Aug-15 01:59:46

I've known a few people that have done this. Their selfishness isn't just confined to their affair, it's all about them. They expect you to be constantly available to discuss their terrible dilemma. They talk about their affairs like an excited teen. Worse they often develop a hatred for the wife and endlessly obsess about her.

Isetan Sat 08-Aug-15 06:31:06

Keep your beak out. It's not your business: you are not the Monogamy Police.

The Op didn't ask to be told becoming a participant to her lies. The OP is fully entitled to feel uncomfortable around someone whose developed a characteristic she doesn't like. Unconditional love in a friendship is such foolish nonsense.

Say your peace and tell her that you don't want to hear about it.

autumnleaves123 Sat 08-Aug-15 09:11:46

Why didn't she leave the husband first and then have the affair? I bet she is enjoying the comforts of a secure income, security for kids etc etc.

I would keep away from this person. She has no backbone, and can potentially behave in a disloyal manner towards you as well.

autumnleaves123 Sat 08-Aug-15 09:18:44

Also, I bet when she eventually decides to work things out with her husband because most of the time it is the financial reasonable way to go, she will push you aside as you know information about her she would rather forget about.

She has put you in a non win situation. Stay away.

Mrscaindingle Sat 08-Aug-15 09:27:21

I was in a similar situation quite a few years ago and felt out of my depth tbh. As I recall I mostly stayed out of it.

It was my oldest childhood friend and she certainly wasn't having fun as far as I could see, she was a chain smoking nervous wreck. It completely went against everything I believe in and now having been on the receiving end of lying and cheating I feel even more strongly about it.

However she was and still is my oldest friend and I managed to stay friends with her even if she felt that I wasn't very supportive at the time. Her marriage didn't last and neither did the affair.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: