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How long do you not speak after a row?

(58 Posts)
DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 18:28:27

NC for this. Not sure if DH is being a knob, or I'm just over sensitive but whenever we fall out, it seems to really drag on. He was being horrifically grumpy this morning and I brought him up on it. He quite often will try to turn it round if he's in the wrong and say it was me (which he did, and it wasn't!) but it's now 11hrs later and there's still an awful atmosphere and no sign of an apology.
He's shit at saying sorry at the best of times and usually only after I badger him. To make matters worse, I'm heavily pregnant and have been ill the last few days. He's not asked how I am etc all day and we've basically just communicated about DC.
So, I suppose I just want to know, are your DHs as stubborn, and does a fall out last days, or do you kiss and make up quickly?
When it drags out like this it just makes me more resentful.
Background: We used to have explosive (not violent!) rows but have not done that for years. We've been together for 17 years. He's v good round house and looking after DC.

gelwax Fri 07-Aug-15 18:50:18

That sounds like a really long time to me. We usually only manage a couple of hours till we've he's calmed down. Sorry you're enduring this horrible atmosphere; he ought to be looking after you. The reason for the argument seems relatively trifling - could anything be going on with him under the surface?

DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 18:53:44

Well, he's under work pressure and fecking unbearable when he is. I don't really want to do the usual "this isn't fair, creating this atmosphere" as it will just reignite the original row I suspect.

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 07-Aug-15 19:32:24

Uggh...he is stonewalling.

My ex used to do this and it sounds the same.

He would turn the argument to me or shout me down when he was in the wrong.

If I tried to argue back he would just turn on radio silence. Sometimes for weeks.

Usually until I broke because I couldn't take living in a bad atmosphere as a family and wanted to move on. So I used to end up begging him to speak to me and break down.

Then in his head it was all my fault and he never had to say sorry.

And he would never apologise to our son if he upset him, even with him in tears and me begging him to do the right thing.

EA it is.

MadauntofA Fri 07-Aug-15 19:36:20

Couple of hours, sometimes overnight if it is late on. DH is really bad at admitting he is at fault and I have learnt that I get nowhere if I try to talk to him before he has calmed down. Once he is calm he will apologise/ talk. Have things changed between you or are you more sensitive to things because you feel off at the moment?

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 07-Aug-15 19:37:25

Just to add, I have a new partner. We don't live together but sometimes of course, we argue.

It doesn't matter if we do. He still messages me in the morning to wish me a good day, and rises above the bad feeling. Allows us to put the argument to one side and get on with life until we can see each other and calmly talk it through.

I've finally stopped feeling sick to the stomach about quarrelling. We can be hurt but still civil. We can be wrong but still right. We can disagree but still maintain respect.

It's a whole new world of maturity for me to get used to. It feels bloody great.

DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 19:44:15

Good for you Wally. Your new relationship sounds great. I do feel sick after a row, if I'm honest, because I've no idea how long the bad feeling will last.
Madaunt - I may be more sensitive as I've been so ill this week (in bed ill) but I guess I don't understand why someone would let the bad feeling drag on in this way, knowing I'm ill and very pregnant. He's putting DC to bed, but I am going to tackle it I think.

Skiptonlass Fri 07-Aug-15 19:47:15

We don't row much - we bicker, for sure, but we have so far never had a blazing row.

Sulking/silent treatment would be a bit of a deal breaker for me. I hate having a bad atmosphere or walking on eggshells. If we disagree, which of course we do, as most couples do, we try to talk about it. I'd find shouting/sulking/not speaking very distressing.

DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 20:15:42

I'm in bed and he's been in to see if I want anything. I am about to text him to say actually, I do, and spell out how I feel. It's easier than face to face. Wrong?

chaiselounger Fri 07-Aug-15 20:31:58

My dh is a terrible sulker. He has few flaws, but by god that one is bad.

DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 20:35:31

What do you do chaise? Just wait til he comes out of it?

tatumsfunkychicken Fri 07-Aug-15 20:37:21

I sulk dreadfully. My DH is always happy to talk and move on quickly. I like to brood. I find it extremely difficult to let things go. I know, I'm a knob.

DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 20:38:24

At least you're honest!

TopOfTheCliff Fri 07-Aug-15 20:45:06

My XH was a sulker and could keep it up for days. It was infuriating and I had to beg and plead with him to stop. I used to get so upset and angry with him. Textbook Passive Aggressive behaviour so he could point at me and say I was the angry bad one. Ugh!
My DP now will huff and puff and say he is useless and is still a bit PA but can only keep it up for five minutes before he gets distracted and asks if I want a coffee. Much easier to cope with!

gabyjane Fri 07-Aug-15 21:23:27

I came on here to ask 2 questions and one you've beat me too!
Me and dp can be awful and it has in the past gone on for a couple of days.
We are currently in the middle of one and I don't know how I've got stuck in the middle of an argument. That's my next question LOL! It does get me down but we are both very stubborn
Hope you resolve it soon x

DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 21:27:05

Gabyjane - I feel your pain. I'm planning on texting him
(He's downstairs) then going to sleep. Give it time to sink in. Ahem.
The trouble is when things drag on is that you eventually just have to start talking and then you never actually resolve what it was about.

lostinikea Fri 07-Aug-15 21:27:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DraggingItOut Fri 07-Aug-15 21:30:35

But it's not like sulking, he will talk, just very flat and won't apologise. It's the lack of apology that pees me off too.

EquinoxEclipse Fri 07-Aug-15 21:31:40

The flat talking and hard done by attitude is all part of sulking! I absolutely cannot bear it angry

lostinikea Fri 07-Aug-15 21:37:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewLife4Me Fri 07-Aug-15 21:42:09

We don't go to bed on an argument and never have.
Neither of us would allow the other to sulk, ignore, or carry it on.
It gets sorted or we don't go to bed.
I'm not saying we are right, it's just who we are.

Melonfool Fri 07-Aug-15 21:45:54

Well, I guess I am what some of you are disparagingly calling "a sulker" which apparently makes me emotionally abusive shock

But in actual fact, due to having had an abusive father and my parents having an awful relationship, I have no idea how to deal with arguments and I have a physical reaction whereby I literally cannot speak. And I cannot think of any actual words.

I don't sulk on purpose, it's not passive aggressive, it's my natural reaction. For some reason my natural reaction is of lower value than other people's even though people being angry and shouting scares me, my not talking is worse

Luckily dp understands and doesn't read MN.

I think the longest has been a week.

Thefacttheyact1234 Fri 07-Aug-15 21:49:24

I'm also a 'stewer'. In my defence I never shout, scream, cry or say anything in an argument I don't mean. I never name call or become nasty.

Sometimes I just need some time to process the argument. We can then move on with a plan of action. It can take a few days though. I've had some unhealthy relationships.

Thefacttheyact1234 Fri 07-Aug-15 21:51:35

Oh x post with melon!

I'm not emotionally abusive!

gabyjane Fri 07-Aug-15 21:53:53

Thanks draggungitout! We too have text each other while in the same house, some people will think odd but it does give time for things to sink in if all you do is fall out. I hope your text has the right effect. Dp has just got in, despite texts today (he's been working away) your right it's usually rarely resolved.
Melon fool I feel I am getting more like you have mentioned. I just don't know what to say anymore, the arguments are normally similar related and I feel we go round in circles

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