Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm being so pathetic! Why do I care what the homophobes think?!(30 Posts)
In a long term relationship with a woman. We're very happy and we're naturally very affectionate with each other. Now, I understand there's a time and a place for this sort of thing and whereas I'm not anti PDAs, I certainly wouldn't think snogging my gfs face off in public, was appropriate. It wouldn't have been with bfs either. This is just my opinion obviously. What I want to be able to do without raised eyebrows, tuts, or stares, is hold my dps hand, maybe give her a kiss on the cheek, or a peck on the lips, but this doesn't seem possible apparently.
My dp will often grab my hand when we're in public, but I sometimes subtly move my hand away, to avoid unwanted attention, which we have had on several occasions unfortunately.
I'm not doing it because I'm ashamed, I just don't want any trouble. I'm angry at myself for not just going with it and do what feels so natural.
I know it upsets my dp, although she never really says and I absolutely resent that. All I want to do is be an out and open couple, without worrying about the consequences.
Am I being ridiculous?
Should I just say bollocks to them?! Or can anyone understand /relate to my caution? It makes me so angry, but also, incredibly sad.
Thanks for reading.
Disclaimer: I may be talking out of my arse as I have never personally had to deal with this form of discrimination.
IMO you should be able to be with the person you love and to show affection towards the person you love, whether that is in the privacy of your own home or walking down the street. I can appreciate your caution but, in your position, would absolutely say bollocks to all of the small minded people in this world. Be who you are and never hide that!
It's terrible that you have been made to feel like that. I think you should do what you want to do and if that means holding your girlfriends hand then do it
Not being ridiculous no. It's just a crap situation and very frustrating.
I think bollocks to the world is the better approach though there isn't really an easy choice in this situation.
If you want to show affection for each other in public then do so. Holding hands or sharing a peck with a same sex partner is hardly the crime of the century. You've only got to go out on a Saturday night around town and loads of young girls seem to be doing it. Do you really get that many stares, tuts and raised eyebrows? I can't believe that it still happens so much in this day and age and that's their problem, not yours so ignore, ignore, ignore! What should matter to you is your lovely dp and not anyone else's opinion.
I've been out for over 15 years now OP, and I still feel like this. I am acutely aware of stares and looks - and I'm not paranoid. For a country where staring is considered rude, British people certainly can stare.
I am happy and out in work and life generally, not bothered about what other people think but I'm on exactly the same page re PDAs - they make me feel uncomfortable at the best of times. Although I would love to just hold DW's hand in public, I just try to avoid it to be honest. Makes me feel less uncomfortable. Yes, I should feel like I can, but I don't. I'm sorry I've not got any advice, but thought it might be good to know you're not alone.
I might look op, because for me outside of Brighton (where my sons godfathers live) it's an unusual sight. But I will also have either an outward or inward smile that you both are happy, in love and sharing affection in an open and normal way.
I was at a music concert last month and a young female couple were locked arm in arm enjoying the music and having a romantic time. I was looking, because it was so nice to see a carefree couple in love.
Do what feels natural to you.
(But I'm with you on the face snogging! )
I've never been through it myself
I don't know if this is a helpful suggestion or counterproductive. But would it help you if you started off with public affection in places you know it is definitely going to be accepted? For example if you went to pride or for a drink in a gay pub? When you don't get mean comments etc in those situations it might help with your confidence anywhere else?
It would be so much nicer for you if you weren't worried about where you are and just felt happy doing what you wanted. I really hope you manage to feel comfortable holding hands etc soon
So terrible that in this day and age people make other people uncomfortable to be who they are
Thanks for all your replies.
Yes, of course, we and all other couple gay, straight, whatever, should be able to show their partner some affection when out and about, without any negative reactions, but it seems that even in 2015, we're just not there YET.
Angle, it really does happen. We've had some vile comments and they've really affected me, I hate to say. I often hear whispering, such as "are they really a couple?" which isn't massively offensive, but it's bloody annoying! I have been told that it's because we don't look like lesbians although surely we look fairly lesbian when we hold hands and kiss one another. I have to stop myself, although not always with success, from shouting " yes, shock horror you're right!! We are indeed, a couple!".
When I see an out and proud gay couple, it makes me so happy that I want to go up to them, hug them and tell them how much I wish I could be the same. Might come across as slightly odd though
Let, thanks for sharing, but I'm sorry you can relate.
Not being unreasonable at all. Dh and I aren't one for big PDAs but it'd be very depressing to be tut tutted for the minor gestures we do make.
We have a way to go as a society.
Wally, I complete understand what you're saying. I don't mind the double takes etc, it's the shocked, sometimes disgusted looks that make my blood boil and I'm ashamed to say, hide.
I agree that we are not there yet There is a lesbian couple at my children's school and I have heard from them that there are comments made - it is as if them holding hands represents some kind of statement rather than the way it is perceived if heterosexual couples do the same. I'm not explaining myself very well but it pisses me off that people can't just be happy for them or even just get on with their own bloody lives
LittleMiss I feel sad that you don't have the confidence that you won't get bad reactions. I live in Brighton so it's a very commonplace sight to see men and women same-sex couples holding hands, kissing, etc.
I also lived in Yorkshire for many years and saw many same-sex couples holding hands there, in the cities. Particularly in Chesterfield for some reason... but I digress. Small towns of course generally are less tolerant.
I suppose you've got to make a decision on whether you let what douchebags may think/say rule what you want to do.
I like going to the gym. I am also very overweight. The handful of twats who choose to look/laugh at me don't get to keep me from getting healthy.
Unless you feel there's a likelihood of you being physically attacked (if you're in the UK and it's daytime, unlikely) I think you should give it a go and see what happens.
pocket, good for you! I wish I did have the confidence to take that bollocks to them approach. Actually I was physically attacked. It started off with a very nasty comment which I wasn't going take, so I told him, VERY firmly what a vile person he was and he didn't like my retaliation shall we say. He started getting in my face and he (very briefly) put his hand to my throat and told me just before that that we deserved to die. I pushed him to the ground, which was justified self defence Imo and we walked off with our heads held high. It was a few weeks later that I realised how shaken up I was and how it altered my way of thinking. It makes me so cross with myself that I let such a disgusting, pond scum of a 'man', hurt me.
Oh, that must have been so horrible and frightening, I'm sorry
What a bastard! I'm glad you held your ground, but now I realise that this must have affected you and I don't blame you for wanting to avoid a repeat
It wasn't the nicest end to a meal, no. I was quite happy to be open before that. Not shouting it from the rooftops, but I would hold her hand, or be generally, much more coupley and not really care what people thought. Not now. Wish I could just erase that night from my memory.
I'm sorry you've encountered such an attitude. It is such a ruddy shame that it's still happening.
My SIL and her DW are wary of being affectionate in public but - as you've also experienced - it's because people like to comment on how they don't look like lesbians or to ask if they're bisexual because they don't look butch. It's rude, ignorant, irritating and ridiculous. Thankfully, it's not a majority response but it's more marked when they visit here in our parochial little town. The city they live in is much more accepting.
My DH wears make-up though not as frequently as he used to and he's been attacked for it. He was pushed up against a wall, choked and spat at. I was with him at the time and terrified. The slurs hissed at him were homophobic (DH is heterosexual as it happens). It was an abhorrent indicator of a hideous attitude. It was a long time ago but I know DH still lets it get to him.
It's ridiculous that it's still happening.
Have we stepped into a parallel universe? I feel ashamed that this sort of behaviour is still existent in the 21st Century.
I don't particularly like to see any
pda's couples licking each others faces off but I have husband and I have a lesbian friend. I have no problem holding my friends hand and hugging her when the need arises.
Are people judging me?
Well f*ck them.
I think it's a shame OP that you don't feel able to show affection in public for your OH. Do what feels right for you and every one else can go to hell.
Saul, yes, I think it does usually depend on the area, but then you read StickEms awful encounter and you realise that this sort of attitude is still very much present, potentially anywhere.
Wombat, I do feel like 'fuck em', but at the same time I want an easy life. I don't want to constantly worry or have to be aware of who's around and what might be said, so sometimes I just think to myself, it's not worth it. I feel guilt for that though, because I feel that now I'm part of a minority group, I should be raising the flag for equality.
Oh and Saul and StickEm, I'm so sorry what happened to your dh and gf at the time. That's bloody awful
It's disgusting, what the hell is wrong with these idiots?
It's really sad that you feel this way but I can understand the fear of negative reaction especially if you have experienced it in the past. Before I met my gf I always worried what public reaction could be like but it turned out we are really affectionate people and are always holding hands or giving each other a peck in public, it feels to natural for us to be that way with each other sometimes we forget not everybody is gay or we stand out in any way at all! Fortunately we haven't experienced any negative reaction yet, we have had a couple of double glances, the odd lingering look but some lovely comments saying how nice we are together, most of the time I think the stares are just because it's not a common sight, we are also very feminine looking, I have been in a gay club of all places and my gf got hit on by a man because we didn't look like a couple, he soon left sheepishly when he clicked. I will admit if we are in a lairy area on a Saturday night where the small minded are out I do back off on the PDA'S just in case.
We live in a large Scottish city so maybe it's more tolerant here, but we act the same when visiting gf's tiny home town in England and again no negative reaction yet. It's so lovely when you see other gay couples being affectionate I think and when you look for it there are loads! it really makes you realise we are not that much of a minority. Imo you need to stick your armour on and try to ignore everyone else and focus on your own happiness with your dp, the more of us who do it the more normal it will become
It's so tricky. Generally we hold hands naturally when out and about, but sometimes come to an unspoken 'not in here/not right now' depending on where we are. We very, very rarely kiss (I'm talking about a peck on lips/cheek) in public at all. I am more open generally but my gf sometimes feels more conscious and like you, it's about removing the risk of anyone saying anything - like pre-empting any comments by just not being demonstrative. Usually, people assume we're sisters which can be seriously embarrassing.
Join the discussion
Please login first.