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Feel hurt to have found out about close family members pregnancy this way

(26 Posts)
temporaryname2015 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:25:52


I have very recently found out through facebook that sister in law is 12 weeks pregnant , i had no idea not even a hint. The scan picture was my first indication that she is pregnant .

I feel really happy for her and in shock as she has not long recoverd from a miscarriage, one of countless miscarraiges. She was very concerned about telling me about the previous lost pregnancy as i had a miscarriage last year.

She waited until 6 weeks and thought she didnt want to put it off any longer and seemed to really agonise over telling me.

I was really touched at her concern of upsetting me ( and felt bad) and made an effort to show nothing but happiness ( i was genuily happy for her and a little sad for myself because of my miscarriage but i never let on). I texted every few days or so to see how she was doing so she didnt have to feel uncomfortable contacting me regarding her pregnancy or like she was rubbing my nose in it.

I was truly gutted for her when she lost the previous pregnancy and did everything to support her and she thanked me after for my support. I also found her a great source of support with my miscarraige and i felt like it had brought us closer.

My partner was made aware of the pregnancy around a month ago but told not to tell me . Fair enough a little hurtful but i do understand why she didnt want anything said before 12 weeks.

I feel a little sad at finding out at 12 weeks but i think its the fact of a lot to take in at once. I can completly understand her wanting to wait until the 12 week mark before letting me know.

I feel really sad and hurt at finding out the way i have though via a scan pic on fb with the wider audience of extended family friends and many aquientances. I thought we were closer than that. I know she would be upset and rather pissed off if she was to find out in the same way.

I want to call and congratulate her personally as i dont feel we have the kind of relationship where id just post a congratulations comment on facebook.

I cant seem to shake of how im feeling. I want to wait until i feel a little better as i dont want her to pick up anything in my voice. She always seems to know if somethings up its very difficult to disguise it . but i need to say something very soon as shes going to think i have blanked it or am upset by the pregnancy.

She is a person who appriciates being told straight and i know she would want me to tell her. I dont feel i can say how i feel without being unfair. I feel that i would be making it all about me and i would make her feel bad. The last thing i want is to spoil this or take any happiness away .

Any advice greatly appriciated Xxxx

Mrsjayy Fri 07-Aug-15 11:29:07

Well tbf your partner knew and didnt tell you maybe she thought they did

temporaryname2015 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:30:30

Just realised it might not be clear the
Scan picture wasnt sent directly to me in a personal message. it was posted as a status on her wall.

Mrsjayy Fri 07-Aug-15 11:31:23

Wait till you have got yourself together phone her say your partner didnt tell you and congratulate her and say if you had known you would have contacted her sooner.

ARV1981 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:31:58

You're right to gather your thoughts and emotions before calling her.

I wouldn't worry too much about it looking like you've left it ' too long' to speak to her - you may not have looked at you fb for a while!

I totally get why you're feeling this way, and I'd be upset by it too. But, you have completely the right attitude in not wanting to make this all about you - hold on to that.


Mrsjayy Fri 07-Aug-15 11:32:46

It doesnt need to be awkward or complicated and facebook is her way of telling everybody at once.

temporaryname2015 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:40:35


Thankyou for the quick responces

The scan was posted around an hour or so after it was done so not really realistacally time for partner to see/ be given the go ahead and tell me. And partner was told not to tell me and only confirmed it once i found out by seeing it on facebook.

And my sister in law has spoken to him and knows i know. X

ARV1981 Fri 07-Aug-15 12:19:17

Could you text your congratulations and arrange to meet up next week when you've had time to get your feelings under control?

Elllimam Fri 07-Aug-15 12:35:35

I don't think I would confront her, especially if she is at an early stage of pregnancy and has had previous miscarriages, she doesn't need extra stress. Ok she should have thought of you but she is likely very worried and stressed and didn't think it through. Let her enjoy her pregnancy as much as she can.

Elllimam Fri 07-Aug-15 12:36:53

I would also just text congratulations and meet her in a few weeks. I'm sorry for your loss as well.

temporaryname2015 Fri 07-Aug-15 13:52:03

Hi ARV1981

Thank-you for your kind replys.
my partner was on the phone to her when i was around but busy.

I sent a text acknowledging her news
And said i had wanted to wait to speak to her rather than just comment on fb . I said i was out and would try to call a bit later.

Im not sure how i could just now text my congratulations without it seeming odd.


Mrsjayy Fri 07-Aug-15 14:37:41

Aww ok I didnt understand your partner was told not to say anything I know you are hurt but try and not take it personal phone her and say how you are excited you are for them it wont be odd she willl be to excited to sense anything

Joysmum Fri 07-Aug-15 14:39:31

I don't think she's fine anything other than try to consider your feelings. You think she's read you wrong in all this but she was trying to do the right thing because she cares about you. We all make mistakes.

ARV1981 Fri 07-Aug-15 19:48:42

Then, why not text and say something like "this is too big for just a phone call, can we meet up on x day for tea and cake?"

That way it's in your control. And she gets the recognition and celebration she deserves. You can psych yourself up for it before hand. As joysmum says, she's tried to do the right thing, even if she's got it wrong, she clearly does care about you.


daisydukes229 Fri 07-Aug-15 19:54:13

Oh what a shame.
It seems like it was just an oversight. I hope you manage to sort it soon and manage to feel OK again.
Hormones and all of the emotions from thinking of her previous miscarriage will have meant she's not thinking too clearly x

wannaBe Fri 07-Aug-15 20:09:15

tbh I think she was unreasonable to expect your dp not to tell you and your dp was unreasonable not to tell you.

I would be a bit meh about fb because I personally think that putting scan pictures on fb is odd anyway, but asking your dp not to tell his partner sends a clear message that you are not considered family IMO and I would be upset about that.

I understand not telling friends etc before twelve weeks but if you tell one partner then I think it could be assumed that he would tell his dp.

But pregnancy does strange things to people - my xsil announced to practically the whole world that she was pg when she put it on fb, except her cousin because she wanted to tell her nan and auntie herself so she actually deleted her cousin from fb and didn't tell those particular people for several more weeks. hmm

DarkNavyBlue Fri 07-Aug-15 20:23:05

You say you texted her every few days about her last pregnancy. Maybe that was a bit much?

Maybe she associates you with her previous pregnancies?

temporaryname2015 Fri 07-Aug-15 22:59:19

Hi Thank-you for the recent replys. I did reply to some previous posters but the messages dissapeared. Im on my phone it keeps logging me out so not sure if thats why the messages dissapeared.


You have hit the nail on the head with how i feel thank-you xxxx

temporaryname2015 Fri 07-Aug-15 23:19:16

Hi DarkNavyBlue Thank-you for your reply.

She was back and forth for appointments as had mutiple miscarraiges so was being monitored and was worried. I text so she didnt feel she was rubbing my nose in it, by making first contact about how things were going.

I have just had a look back at previous texts and they averaged at about 5 days apart. I know if she felt bombarded she would have told me that is how she is. The texts were also just general hey how are you texts on non appointment days. Sadly i was only aware of the pregnancy for a couple of weeks before it was lost.

Her pregnancy before the lost pregnancy this year was a couple of years ago now.That ended in late miscarriage. I have always been sympathetic and emphatic but i could never dream what it really felt like. I was sympathic and said how sorry i was. Then it happend to me and i truly understood.

She was so concerned about telling me about the lost pregnancy this year , her first pregnancy since my miscarrige , that i endevoured to be there for her this time, like she had been there for me Xx

Morganly Fri 07-Aug-15 23:30:55

She's had a really tough time. I know you have too, but this isn't all about you. Cut her some slack.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 07-Aug-15 23:50:27

My first pregnancy was very difficult because of working with a colleague who had had a miscarriage and was very vocal about how upsetting she found other people's pregnancies - I didn't tell work I was pregnant until I was over 23 weeks. This is definitely not your situation as you sound very caring and considerate. However, the experience has made me feel that everyone should have the right to announce their pregnancy as they see fit (as long as they act reasonably) as it's one of the times their feelings should take priority.

I can absolutely see that you do feel hurt but I would just let it go, be very positive for her and wish her well

temporaryname2015 Fri 07-Aug-15 23:56:41

Hi daisydukes229

I know it wasnt intentioned. Just surprised and confused at this, as she seemed to really give the previous pregnancy some long hard thought on how and when was best to tell me.

She took the loss on the chin, as sadly where she has had so many she dosnt let herself get too attached to her pregnancys earlier on as looks at it all very practically. I know this might sound like im taking it at face value and shes putting a brave face on but previous losses have made her medically unwell. So when the last one was uncomplicated she was relived.

I was really gutted for her xxxx

Atenco Fri 07-Aug-15 23:58:50

Well sometimes we just blow it when announcing important news, OP, try not to take it personally. I announced the birth of my dgd on facebook before telling my Dsis, which was really shitty and thoughtless on my part, but not because of any lack of love for my sister.

ShebaShimmyShake Sat 08-Aug-15 00:09:41

I am grateful never to have had a miscarriage, but I have friends who have suffered numerous ones...and they tell me that it is very very difficult to announce a pregnancy after a miscarriage, for fear it will go wrong again, and it is even harder to do it in person, one to one and so on, because it is more intense that way and feels as if there is more to lose somehow. So often it is easier just to do the announcement publicly to all on Facebook. I can understand why they would feel that way. Friends who struggled to conceive at all often feel the same way for the same reasons.

I am sure that this is what has happened very certain she did not do it to upset you.

CluckingBelle Sat 08-Aug-15 00:45:14

I've lost a baby at a fairly late stage, followed by an early miscarriage. The subsequent pregnancy was terrifying. You have no or little faith in the pregnancy making it to term. My fear continued after the birth, I was convinced he would die from SIDS. Your naivety is completely gone. You are avidly aware of all the other things that could go wrong, it could be you that it happens to.

Some people don't want to share this emotionally exhausting time with anyone at all. Perhaps she didn't want to tell her parents or siblings but felt obliged to. Do you know if he was told specifically not to tell you, or was it more a "don't tell anyone please, not even tempname"?

Please just let it go. Be there for her. I bet she's terrified.

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