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on holiday without us with his kids and parents

(75 Posts)
alsteff Fri 07-Aug-15 11:19:36

Hi,
This seems a bit trivial compared to what some poor people are going through on here but..........

I've been in a relationship (post divorce) for the past 2yrs, we've been living independently until the end of last month when we moved in together, albeit temporarily whilst my new house becomes available.
(It's probably worth pointing out here, that this new house is deliberately big enough to incorporate his family too, although his equity is tied up with the ex-wife). So all future plans are to move in together permanently.

In April it was announced that he was going on holiday with his kids (15 & 17) and his parents, plus the 17yr old's BF.

I was very anti this plan at the time, as it seemed divisive and really exclusive towards me and my 10yr old daughter. The reasoning behind it went from "it's our last family holiday before DD goes to university" and "we've had such terrible holidays in the past (with his previous ex) that the kids want to go alone".

I feel I get on really well with his kids, there have been no real issues (and I'm sure I'd know if there were!) plus my DD is really relaxed with them, and not demanding in a younger sibling kind of way, that may be expected.

Anyway, here we are stuck at his house whilst they are all away. I had a meltdown about it, a few days before they went - I / we just felt really rejected at a time when we needed to feel loved and included (moving into his house). He said all the right things - about commitment and us all being together as a 'family' in the future etc...

Also, he admitted that it was a poor decision, made at a time prior to us deciding to move in together, and that he shouldn't have listened to his kids (but sadly he often seems to make poor decisions regarding his kids as he is scared of losing / upsetting them, after a pretty rocky divorce 10yrs ago and an ex wife who uses access to the children as a weapon).

After they actually left for the holiday we started feeling more positive about stuff and have tried to fill the week with various activities etc... However, today I feel anger and resentment again, probably because I'm tired but I'm also fed up of people asking why we're not on holiday too and not having a viable explanation to give them.

I'm beginning to wonder that, although I feel that I've forgiven him most of the time, that I haven't really and that this is going to resurface every time I feel tired, emotional etc...etc... That's to say how much damage has this caused and instead of a new beginning together, is this just the beginning of the end?!

christinarossetti Fri 07-Aug-15 11:26:04

Sounds very upsetting for you.

The holiday was booked in April, so only 3/4 months ago, and you've moved in together since then - is that right?

You explain both of your points of view on the holiday at the time, but not how you came to an agreement for him to go without you and your dd - did this agreement actually explicitly happen, or did he book it knowing that you hadn't agreed?

Has he told his children that your new house will eventually be his home, and presumably also that of his youngest and his dd when she comes home from university etc.

MrsLeighHalfpenny Fri 07-Aug-15 11:34:01

It seems a bit mean on the surface, but I can understand him wanting some quality time with his kids and parents. They are quite a bit older than your child too, so I can also understand that she might not be able to join in everything they want to do, and so they might have to alter some of their plans.

I would see it as an opportunity to have some one on one time with DD, which you're not going to be able to do much once you're all one big blended family.

Why don't you both go away too? Even if only for a few days.

alsteff Fri 07-Aug-15 11:34:11

Hi, thanks for your reply. He actually bought the tickets about 6 weeks ago, knowing that I disagreed. I tackled him over the gap between a 'poor' decision being made and the tickets actually being purchased and he said he didn't feel he could go back on his decision, in terms of the kids.
Both his teenagers know the future plans, in fact his youngest was coming to viewings with me etc... and 'shot-gunning' their own bedroom etc....
TBH I think I was so involved with the selling/moving house over the past 2 mths that despite my outrage in April, the impact of the holiday didn't really hit until they were about to leave.

cleanindahouse Fri 07-Aug-15 11:44:04

I can see why you'd be fed up, but i don't think he's being unreasonable, particularly because of the age difference of your children. He wants to spend quality time with his kids after what it sounds like have been really difficult years. I say that's fair enough.

Branleuse Fri 07-Aug-15 11:46:10

his daughters boyfriend has gone too, but you were categorically NOT invited?

I would be moving back out again while they were away. Fuck em

alsteff Fri 07-Aug-15 11:56:24

..... yes on the one hand 'spending quality time' seems very reasonable and quite sweet but yes the daughter's BF went too which kind of undermines that idea. Equally, I feel I'm trying to 'build' something here for us ALL and it worries me that a precedent is being set that it's OK to exclude us.... when convenient .....and so where do you go from there? My instinct is that he should have got his kids on side to include DD and I but he was too 'scared' to do that. So my questions are about how that will raise it's ugly head again the future under different guises? Obviously, the 'hero' would have booked us last minute tickets once we'd moved in but.........heroes it seems are a bit like fairies!!

oneowlgirl Fri 07-Aug-15 11:58:12

I don't see what he's done wrong - his almost adult children wanted a holiday with him & their grandparents & he's obliged. Likely it'll be the only time it happens & I think you should take the opportunity to spend quality time with your DD. Just because you've moved in together doesn't mean you have to do everything together & I think it's nice he's getting quality time with them.

Hope you're able to feel better about it though as can see you're upset.

NoodlesAreYum Fri 07-Aug-15 11:58:36

That sounds really horrible. I live with my partner and our children (from different relationships) and this would hurt me and my girls so much. My partner is very similar in that he worries about upsetting his kids. But we talk to our kids about everything and they are always onside with being a family doing things together. I know we're fortunate in that way but I think we've probably both driven that. You need a really serious talk with him when he gets back. And why didn't you book your own holiday away? It sounds to me as though you need to keep your independence and do your own thing for you and your daughter's sake until he sees the light. And he will in time....he's just being a wuss with his kids and he mustn't push you aside to ingratiate himself with his kids. He knows you will take it.

SeaCabbage Fri 07-Aug-15 12:02:09

I agree. A lot has happened in the last two years. I think it is understandable that they want to holiday "alone". I would think of it as the closing of a chapter before you start on your new one all together. A more positive look at it.

alsteff Fri 07-Aug-15 12:08:28

The idea of a closing chapter before starting a new one feels positive but I hope we can have a proper chat about what happens if this situation comes up again, in the future. I have booked something, we're going to stay with my dad by the sea, and they were all invited!
Thanks for your help..........feeling much calmer at least!

FolkGirl Fri 07-Aug-15 12:11:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to be honest.

You're his new partner, his children (understandably) want some time with him and their grandparents before the big merge.

The only thing I disagree with is that the bf is going too.

But I suspect he isn't happy with that either and is just trying to minimise a holiday related teenage strop.
And given I'm on on MN currently due to that very same thing, I can well understand that! grin

UrethraFranklin1 Fri 07-Aug-15 12:19:23

But you haven't really moved in together if its just a temporary arrangement until your new house (which he won't be living in for now?) is ready? You've stayed in the same house for a few weeks is all.

His children are nearly grown ups, I don't see the problem with him spending time with them, and his parents. They aren't your children or your parents. Blended families are one thing, but all parties have to agree to it. You aren't married, you don't really live together, you aren't the childrens stepmother and you are no relation to your boyfriends parents. They are going on a family holiday, and as the girlfriend of 1/6th of the group, it's by no means automatic that you and your child are invited.

If you and your bf had planned a holiday and invited his children/parents that would be a different thing altogether. He organised his holiday without you, you're obviously have different ideas of where you are in your relationship, and you aren't communicating very well about it.

Tryharder Fri 07-Aug-15 12:21:18

I would be a bit miffed about it too.

But I can see his reasoning too. He's not on a lads holiday - he's with his parents and kids.

I think if you let this fester it will spoil your relationship and that would be a shame if it's otherwise what you want.

See it as a beginning of an end and resolve that that next family holiday will involve you and him and all the kids (older ones may well not want to come them of course)

To give you some perspective: a friend of mine's DP goes on holiday with his teenage kids who insist that their mother comes as well. The DP has been divorced from the mother about 4 years....

HouseworkisASin Fri 07-Aug-15 12:21:43

So his kids don't want you to come on holiday with them, but they are quick enough to 'bagsy' the best bedrooms in the house you are buying alone because he has no money to contribute?
I would say that's a bit cheeky.
What is he going to contribute?

christinarossetti Fri 07-Aug-15 12:31:10

I don't think the issue is whether the holiday was/is a good or bad idea, it's more than op's partner booked it knowing that she wasn't happy about it and hadn't actually agreed to it.

That's why she's - very understandably - angry and upset.

I've got to be honest, I think you're being quite unfair!

You don't seem able to see it from his point of view, nor his children's. You are assuming, and acting like, it's all about excluding you. Rather than about children who want and need their parent.

I can't see what you expected your DP to do? His kids expressed a desire for this, he agreed it seemed like a good idea. He discussed it with you - you disagreed. He went and booked the holiday anyway, as he felt it was important for his kids. He explained that it wasn't about excluding you, but about his children and his relationship with you. He admitted it was poor timing given your change in circumstances and apologised for that.

That all sounds completely reasonable to me. You can't expect to have a veto over everything he does because you are in a relationship with each other. You also can't expect your wishes to always trump those of his children if he thinks it is important.

Personally, I admire the fact that he has not bowed to your emotional pressure (meltdow??) and continued with what he thinks is right for his children.

Agree with cleanindahouse and oneowlgirl. Just becuase you guys are getting more serious, doesn't mean you have to do everything together, or agree on everything.

It also sounds that you are resentful of his children, and are attempting to control his relationship with them. Of course he should listen to his children! And of course he should be mindful about their feelings on things!

It's you who should take a back seat in deciding how he deals with his children and shouldn't expect that your disagreement will instantly mean it won't happen. You should look to find a compromise that works for both of you. It sounds like this wouldn't have been a huge problem had you not made the changes about moving in together.

But even then, I'm not sure why him having some quality time with his children and parents without you is such a bad thing?! I'm assuming your DD spends plenty of time with just you/ just her father? That you visit your parents without him?

Oh and when people ask about why you've not gone on holiday - the response you are looking for is that your partner is having some quality time with HIS kids. I can't imagine anyone who would fail to understand this!

nequidnimis Fri 07-Aug-15 12:42:19

I'm sure his kids and parents really like you, and are looking forward to you all living together, but that doesn't mean they can't also want one last 'original family' holiday before the dynamics change forever.

Either he agreed that it's a really nice idea, or he was railroaded into it, but either way he has been willing to risk your anger to prioritise his children's wishes and, as a one-off, I don't think that's a bad thing.

Tbh I'm trying to imagine anyone telling me I couldn't go on holiday by myself with my almost-adult children, and I don't think I'd stand for it either.

I suppose that what you really hoped for was for them, or him at least, to simply not want to go without you.

I'm glad you've booked something for yourself. Instigate a calm chat about your fears for the future when he gets home, and draw a line under it.

Crosbybeach Fri 07-Aug-15 12:48:36

I really don't see what's wrong with him going away without you. Sorry. My DH went away a couple of weeks ago with his kids and his ex-wife and the GPs. I was quite happy to have a bit of time to myself.

It's a blended family, there's going to be times when you do different things. Try and plan something nice for when he's back and use the time to settle into the house.

I think if you are blowing up about stuff like this and its causing this much resentment then have a serious think about all the compromises to come in the future.

Moving in together is stressful, and this may mean that you are placing more significance on this than there is. Get out, do some stuff with your daughter, see some friends etc.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Fri 07-Aug-15 13:00:43

I don't think it's a bad idea for him to go away with his older dcs. I will also point out that him getting to know the bf of his dd is a good idea as well. It's only common sense to get to know the bf/gf of your teenage and older children.

christinarossetti Fri 07-Aug-15 13:04:04

I don't think the issue is whether the holiday was/is a good or bad idea, it's more than op's partner booked it knowing that she wasn't happy about it and hadn't actually agreed to it.

That's why she's - very understandably - angry and upset.

onthering Fri 07-Aug-15 13:10:39

Why does she have to agree to it? He shouldn't need her permission to go on holiday with his kids and parents!

UrethraFranklin1 Fri 07-Aug-15 13:24:52

Exactly. She doesn't have veto power over him spending time with his parents and children, and being angry and upset about it is kinda weird anyway.

NerrSnerr Fri 07-Aug-15 13:30:44

I don't think he's being unreasonable. I would have booked a holiday with my daughter at the same time he's away, especially as it might be your last as the two of you.

htf2 Fri 07-Aug-15 13:35:44

I would need to discuss the argument he put that 'x went badly with my ex' to move forward- you need to say that you aren't his ex and is he intending to leave you out if things or sideline you for months - years -? Time because of her. He needs to think it through that you're not his ex and it is not fair to put on you things that didn't work with her, and to not use that argument again with you ever.
The holiday I could live with, but would actually have him talk to them saying you feel like one of the family, you'll all be living together and tell them that 'I think x feels a bit left out if our holiday so be nice to her when we get back ok?' I use 'I think'so he's not telling them you brought it up. This sounds like a good compromise , teenagers are incredibly selfish and it might just not have crossed their minds but they'll be lovely if it's brought to their attention smile

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