Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He disappeared on Tuesday. Seems my life has been a lie.

(60 Posts)
Breezy1985 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:03:23

I hope no one minds me posting here but I really can't bring myself to tell anyone in real life, I feel so ashamed and humiliated sad
He Everything seemed so perfect, he moved in 6 months ago, yet on Tuesday he went out asked me to meet him a few hours later and never showed up, he rang me an hour after he left to make sure I was still meeting him and he told me he loved me, I haven't heard anything since.
I've since found out that literally everything he ever said to me was a lie, even down to where he worked and showing me fake wage slips.

I found out where he really works, but he left his job on Tuesday and hasn't been back, he told them the same morning.
He has left everything he owns and his work keys, I've been to every address I had for him yesterday, and just kept finding out more lies, I'm far from the first woman he's done this too.

Yet I just want answers and I know I'll never get them, if I do it'll all be a lie. I miss him so much and I hate myself for that, I haven't eaten since, everytime I fall asleep I wake up with him on my mind.
It's so difficult not knowing anything or if he's even safe. I feel so stupid that I didn't find out sooner and for the fact I can't stop thinking about him.

It's my 30th birthday on Monday and we was meant to be going on holiday with my dc, I'm still going to take them but I'm dreading it.
Will I ever stop asking why?
Sorry for the long post but I just needed to get it out sad

Haffdonga Fri 07-Aug-15 10:06:34

Shit. sad

OK. Practicalities. Has he got access to bank accounts? Has he taken any money? Does he know credit card details? Is he responsible for paying any utitilities etc?

Sort this stuff NOW. Think about the emotional impact when you're organised.

I'm sorry.

Haffdonga Fri 07-Aug-15 10:07:26

And has he taken anything? Check valuables.

RJnomore Fri 07-Aug-15 10:09:33

Crikey. This is awful. I have no idea what to say op.

Yes to haffs comment. Crisis management mode for now. Check and protect finances assets etc. might be worth running a credit check on yourself too. I'm so sorry. What a dick.

MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself Fri 07-Aug-15 10:12:23

How bizarre. You haven't got a joint bank account have you? I don't know what else to say really.

Have you any contact details for any of his friends?

Breezy1985 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:12:40

He hasn't got access to my accounts thankfully and everything was in my name, I seem to be the first woman he hasn't got into debt though, the one before me lost her house over him. Yet he was the total opposite with me and paid for everything.

The only thing he's taken was his medication, left his passport, and all his official documents strangely.

butterflygirl15 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:15:25

Bloody hell - what an utter bastard. I think the only answer you will ever get is that he is an out and out conman. And he has done this to others too?

I agree to make sure you secure any bank accounts and change your locks if necessary too.

You feeling like you love him is normal. But the man you love, well he is just an illusion isn't he? You will get over this but it will take time, until then call on RL friends for support.

RJnomore Fri 07-Aug-15 10:16:03

I don't want to panic you but if he has lived with you, had access to your mail and documents, please check your credit immediately in case he has taken anything out in your name/against your property etc.

Enoughalreadyyou Fri 07-Aug-15 10:16:26

So sorry. As above protect yourself. Do it today. Do it now.
You will stop asking why. But for now you're in shock that another human is capable of this. The answer is because he could and is seriously mentally AWOL. But that's not your problem and not yours to figure out.
You have had a lucky escape. Don't let this consume you it's not your fault. Put it down to experience and move on as quickly as you can.
He isn't worth it.

Vatersay Fri 07-Aug-15 10:19:25

Change locks, change passwords, check all your accounts for suspicious activity. Get an Experian check on your credit rating.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

pocketsaviour Fri 07-Aug-15 10:19:53

So sorry breezy, what a horrible shock for you.

My cynical side thinks he has probably had someone/something catch up with him, which is why he's left his ID behind - because this one's burned. He probably has a number of fake personas ready to use at times like this.

I agree with PPs to check your credit report.

Do please tell your friends and family. You've nothing to be ashamed of. The fault lies with him, not you.

Breezy1985 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:23:21

When I feel ok, I know he's not the man I thought I fell in love with, it's just when I'm on my own I find my mind doing overtime.
I'm definitely not the first, he seems to target vulnerable woman, I had some mh issues at the beginning of the year and I suppose he lifted me.
Will check my credit file today and change all my passwords, I know he fraudulently claimed tax credits after leaving someone last year so I'll give them a call too.
I just want closure but I know I won't get it.
Thank you for your replies they are really helping, I need to get angry, but I'm just in shock.

butterflygirl15 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:25:58

do you think his passport is fake? I wonder if a call to 101 is in order, if he conned other folk are the police looking for him?

stealthsquiggle Fri 07-Aug-15 10:30:51

If you are going away with your DC, and he knows that, then is there a way you can change the locks/ fit extra ones before you go?

Breezy1985 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:31:04

I managed to get in touch with his family yesterday, but they've been nc with him for years, now I know why. They said he was a pathological liar. He seemed so convincing, all the calls he made about his 'job' fake, yet he seemed so knowledgeable about it, obviously done his research.
Will give 101 a call today to be on the safe side.

Anaffaquine Fri 07-Aug-15 10:31:09

I'm not surprised you are in shock. Do you have anyone in RL who can share the burden of checking everything with you. I'm not sure if there is a way of finding out about any cards he may have taken out in your name or even letting the police know, in case fraud is being committed.
You poor thing.

HPsauciness Fri 07-Aug-15 10:33:36

You poor thing. I have to say I have heard of people doing this before, one of my lovely friend's husband's went to the shops and never came back again, she couldn't believe it as time went on and he just didn't turn up. He was eventually found living with another woman and three children- she just didn't see it coming at all.

I agree with everyone, don't be worried what people think- tell your friends and your family and ask for their help. Change the locks and change your bank password or any online way to access your money.

I think things like this take a long time to heal as the trust you feel for people is just gone. But who would think someone would fake payslips? I don't think you have done anything wrong in this situation, but do find someone to talk with so you can let out some of your feelings.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Fri 07-Aug-15 10:34:55

My first thoughts are conman. How do you know he's done this before; have you been in contact with the other women then?
Have you reported him to the Police? He sounds very dodgy to me.

Breezy1985 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:40:42

My trust in people has gone for sure, I went to all the addresses I had for him yesterday, and found 2 other women he's done it too who also knew about others.
Just feel so stupid for not finding out sooner, I'm glad I have but I just feel so lost right now. Will tell my dm today, he never liked her probably because she said there was something about him.

KatieMaddocks Fri 07-Aug-15 10:44:59

Change the locks and block cards/call the bank and credit card companies. This is dangerous!! It is no longer about feelings, but first about your SECURITY. Get someone to stay with you for a few days.

ijustwannadance Fri 07-Aug-15 10:45:59

If he has keys to your home change all locks before you go on holiday.

butterflygirl15 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:46:21

you are not stupid - the blame here lies firmly at his feet.

stealthsquiggle Fri 07-Aug-15 10:56:26

Given the level of deception involved here, I would assume that he does have (copies of) all your keys, and act accordingly. Likewise all passwords, from wifi to bank to email.... I have no idea how you do other checks, but maybe the police could help when you call 101?

Breezy1985 Fri 07-Aug-15 10:59:58

My friend is a locksmith so I've rang him and he's going to come and change my locks tonight, so that's one thing sorted.
Going to ring the bank now. Thank you all for your support, I'm so grateful.

nonameatall01 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:07:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: