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How to separate ?

(5 Posts)
Sleepless1nLondon Fri 07-Aug-15 09:28:21

First time posting, appreciate any advice you ladies could offer.

DH and I married for 2.5 years, we have LO age 10 months. I'm finishing mat leave this month and returning to work, I make decent money and am not financially dependent on DH although it would be tight to support my daughter and I on one salary.

From pregnancy through to today, things have been challenging - issues with DH not coming home from work until the wee hours (out drinking), during these sessions he's either lying about where he is (working late, stuck in transit), or totally unreachable. My trust has been completely eroded as a result.

Sometimes when he gets home we have an argument, which is always vicious if he's been drinking. Name calling, shouting, insults towards me. Several times felt physically afraid of him - he has acknowledged he has anger issues exacerbated by drink. When we argue, he always threatens a divorce - whether he's been drinking or not. Recently we argued on holiday in Canada and he said he was going to change his ticket and go home.

Last week, he had two drink sessions in a row, with arguments, followed by bitter argument yesterday morning (brought on I guess by our sick daughter who had been crying hard for over an hour)... in which he threatened an affair because I am being a poor wife by not having sex (our sex life wasn't too bad until recently) he picks on me for not "pulling my weight" with chores etc (he cleans on weekends)

He was completely sober for the argument yesterday. Text messages followed that were equally nasty.

He came home apologetic, doesn't know why he's doing this, agreed to go to individual counselling.

We are currently 6 months into a 12 month lease on an expensive flat in London, we really have no clear way out of the lease without penalty.

I would like him to leave for 1-2 months while he starts counselling and begins to prove himself again. We live close to my work and LO's nursery, which she will be starting full time this month.

We could, jointly, afford this flat and temporary accommodation for him once I return to work.

What are my options? I am an expat (he is British), I have no family in country.

I am to the point where if he refuses to leave for a short period, I will try to get out of our lease and LO and I will sign a new lease elsewhere, but that to me is just a precursor to a more permanent split.

Any advice would be appreciated... I do not have a clue what to do next or what is reasonable to ask him to do.

Thank you xx

Jan45 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:45:07

Doesn't have to be permanent, a six month lease would be fine if you have to make the move yourself.

He sounds exhausting, you have a LO to take care of, do you really need an oversized baby who throws a tantrum and drinks like a fish?

Jan45 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:46:04

When your partner threatens you with an affair cos you are not having sex with him, it really is time to call it a day.

Sleepless1nLondon Fri 07-Aug-15 16:05:18

Thanks Jan45, that's really helpful...

pocketsaviour Fri 07-Aug-15 19:52:19

This sounds utterly joyless and I don't blame you for wanting him out, at least temporarily.

If he won't consider that then I would probably take it as a death blow for the marriage.

If you speak to your landlord or letting agent you may find they'll be happy to end the contract early if you can get someone else in. I did this a few years ago when my circumstances changed suddenly and basically I just waited til there was a new tenant lined up and then matched my notice with their date they wanted to move in. This does leave you potentially having to find a new place on fairly short notice though, which I appreciate might not be easy with a young DC and being in work.

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