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Baggage

(15 Posts)
SanDiegoSunsets Fri 07-Aug-15 08:04:34

DP and I have been together almost a year. He has a dc from a previous relationship. I have a dc and am very much a single parent. Everything has been going fine, we all get on great, he's kind and supportive, both our dcs seem happy.

He has always made it very clear that his dc is his priority and I get that as I feel the same. However, he only gets to be with his part time and I know this hurts him. He dotes on his dc.

The problem I'm finding, and I'd like thoughts on, is that he is finding it hard to be around my dc when his isn't there. To the point that he is ok with me staying at his house when his dc isn't there, but he doesn't want my dc staying over. We occasionally go for a short visit, but nothing more. We have stayed over night when his dc is there. He is fine coming to my house, but really struggles at his. He has found it hard to talk about but I've managed to get out of him that he feels guilty and misses his dc. I think mine being there emphasises that his isn't.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Will it get better? I am patient and understanding with him but it does make things a little difficult and makes me wonder what the future might hold if he doesn't 'get over it'. He says we all have emotional baggage and unfortunately this is his - it's not his choice and he can't just change it.

Enoughalreadyyou Fri 07-Aug-15 10:34:36

It's not ok to take baggage out on your dc. He should treat them all equally. This does not bode well for the future. It is selfish.

Put your dc first. Do not tolerate this.

Enoughalreadyyou Fri 07-Aug-15 10:35:44

By the way it is his choice to be so immature.

Joysmum Fri 07-Aug-15 10:44:38

Feelings aren't immature. I can understand how this opens up a while realm of hurt for him.

The only way through us to talk about it and try to work through. It's not easy and I feel really sorry for him. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my daughter and I were separated, seeing other children would remind me of her sad

I'm not saying it's nice, just that it's going to take some effort and support.

Jan45 Fri 07-Aug-15 13:04:59

So what does he propose, he doesn't date a woman with a child or children, ridiculous, he's being incredibly selfish, it's not your fault!

He needs to really grow up, he sees his child, when is he going to get over it then?

Yeah it might hurt him but I think he's going too far here.

SanDiegoSunsets Fri 07-Aug-15 15:09:38

I see it both ways. I understand how it must feel not having his dc with him all the time. I never force the issue with him. But at the same time, that's the way it is and I feel frustrated that it's affecting us. I went into this long term but how can we ever consider next steps (moving in together etc) if he can't deal with occasional sleepovers. I try not to be selfish and see it just from my point of view, but I can't help wondering how long we'll be stuck at this for.

Jan45 Fri 07-Aug-15 15:25:11

It's been a year, it hasn't just happened!

He's the same as about 60% of the male population with regards to seeing their kids.

You can stay over but your son can't, oh sorry, he can when his kid is there, do you not see how ridiculous that is? But, you can sleep over on your own, that's ok.

Are you sure it's not just the case that he can't be bothered to have your son at his?

wallaby73 Fri 07-Aug-15 15:43:26

I'm going to come from another direction : why are you taking your kids to his to stop over? What have your kids got to do with your relationship? I am also a single parent, and i just don't involve my kids in my relationships.....

SanDiegoSunsets Fri 07-Aug-15 16:09:45

Because I can't leave them at home alone.

wallaby73 Fri 07-Aug-15 16:11:52

Apologies - i take it their dad isn't around at all? That's tough going

SanDiegoSunsets Fri 07-Aug-15 16:27:24

No, like I said I'm very much a single parent. No ex, no family. It makes it very difficult and I know things would be much simpler if I had support.

LazyLouLou Fri 07-Aug-15 17:37:25

Put as bluntly as I can: this relationship really does not work for either of you.

You need to have that conversation and tell him, he has every right to feel that way. You have every right to feel as you do.

To continue without anything changing will make you all very unhappy. Neither of you can unmake your kids, but you can change your relationship. It is a hard thing to do, but so very simple to type: he gets over it and embraces his life with you and your dc in it or you end the relationship.

Good luck!

Joysmum Fri 07-Aug-15 17:43:22

So what does he propose, he doesn't date a woman with a child or children, ridiculous, he's being incredibly selfish, it's not your fault!

Of course it not her fault but people do things in life very difficult. That's not selfish, it's just something that he needs to come to terms with. Now he's realised this it's the first step to reaching that.

People are allowed to feel hurt, that's not saying they allowed to take it out on others or not work to put things right.

If he sees how wrong he's been and how damaging this is and makes inroads into reaching peace with it that's very different to somebody who doesn't. There's hope if he can, ditch him if he doesn't.

lunar1 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:49:07

You are not in the same place right now and while ever this is the case you can't commit to this relationship further. I wouldn't try and talk him round or force things he may just end up resenting your children.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the way he feels, a woman desperately missing her children would get loads of sympathy. You and he are just not in the right place for a more serious commitment.

Jan45 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:51:12

Not denying he misses his son at all; he's had a year of this though and it feels very unfair to exclude the OPs son, I bet that hurts her too.

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