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I found out I was the OW, how awful for his DW

(4 Posts)
Radeon Thu 06-Aug-15 22:45:47

I found myself in the unfortunate position of finding out I was the OW. I met a man through OLD, 2 months later, I found out that he wasn't actually separated from his DW. We were messaging daily, seeing each other a few times a week and had spent the night together. He gave me a false name which I found out about through having my suspicions and putting pieces of information together I managed to find out he was married and who his DW is.
I think the extent of the deceit is astounding and feel really sorry for his DW who surely can't know. I don't think it's fair that he carries on like this. What would you do in this situation?

fastdaytears Thu 06-Aug-15 22:49:51

I'm so sorry for you finding this out. I don't honestly have much more to add but someone else will have something wise to say. How are you coping? flowers I know only two months but if you were messaging every day etc it's going to hurt a lot.

I found myself in this position a few years ago met a single dad we dated for 9 months he stayed at mine when his "ex" had their dd visited during the week spoke on video chat on MSN, he even came to my dcs sports day with me.
I kept having this niggling feeling something wasn't right. Eventually it got too much and I googled his name found him and his wife on Facebook and they were very much together took screen shots and waited to chat to him and arranged to meet up at my house. He turned up I showed him what I had found out and told him I wanted no part of it and wouldn't willingly be the ow.
He gave me the whole script of he loved me had only been looking for friends never meant to do it all etc.
Last time I saw him I was 10 weeks pregnant he knocked on my door I wouldn't let him in and informed him if pregnancy he ran pretty quick.

I haven't had any contact since and still don't know if he ever told his wife. I did think about it a few times but I didn't as I didn't think she would believe me if I did as he had me fooled so much in the whole 9 months we were together he would have probably convinced her I was a mad stalker.
I still feel guilty about the whole thing now even though he had lied to me too.

ARV1981 Fri 07-Aug-15 13:12:16

At least you've found out early on in the relationship.

I'd cut your losses now, and leave him.

I wouldn't go about trying to tell the wife or anything like that, though I get why some people would want to do this. I would just calmly tell him that you can't be in relationship with a married man. Don't enter into any other dialogue with him on the matter - married men often lie and say "my wife doesn't understand me" or "we've been sleeping in separate rooms for ever" or the worst "I'm only staying with her for the kids" - even if any of this is true, they are not your problem. They are his problems.

It must be horrible to inadvertently become the ow. It's how you respond once you know you're her that matters. Getting rid is really the only thing you can do.

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