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As predicted ex wants to move back in. How to handle this?(38 Posts)
We split last year after his affair with a mutual friend, no divorce proceedings. I have had numerous threads about him and people on here and on rl said he may decide he wants to come back and that has now happened. Also as predicted, I feel so much better than I did a year ago and don't want him back. I think he is in contact with ow, but not with her.
He has walked away with nothing from the marriage so far and seems to be living with a friend. He sees a lot of the dc (before and after school care) but all at my house and at my expense, apart from the odd w/e when he takes them to his parents. He gives me no money for them.
He looked after mine and the dc's cats when we were away last week, and when we got back and he had put the dc to bed, he told me he would like to try again. I told him no way. I'm sure he has just said this as the 'thrill' of being single and free again has worn off and the financial implications of his decision have sunk in. He had the nerve to tell me it was best for the dc when I said I didn't want to mess them around - his treatment of me after he told me about the affair- lying about making a go of our marriage while still seeing her- is actually worse than the affair itself. I can see no way how it could work again. He talked of 'working hard on the marriage' and I just thought why? I somehow have more money (a lot) now he has gone, making me wonder what he was spending it on..., the house is tidier, despite his being a sahd and I'm not anxious/on edge wondering what is up with him all the time.
So why did I cry after he left when I had told him no? I feel so sad and guilty about the whole thing. He looks so rough sometimes and I feel like he has nothing now and it hurts me. Also, sometimes he doesn't look rough... As well, I am lonely and worry about being alone forever. Just took the dc away for a week and it was mostly great, but sometimes I seemed to be stranded in a sea of happy couples/parents.
Ironically, I worried so much about the impact on the dc when we split and now they are the reason why I wouldn't 'give it another go', as it would be unforgivable to mess them around if/when a reconciliation failed. I suppose I am just after some advice to keep me strong.
No is a complete sentence is the answer. And I don't feel sorry for him at all. He made his bed.
And if he is working I would claim maintenance. And contact should be away from your home and certainly never at your expense.
whenever he manages to make you feel sorry for him ,op, just recall how much better your and your children's lives are without him. You have the right priorities. He is not your responsibilty. Hang tough!
You feel sorry for him because you are a good and decent person who hates seeing people hurting...Just think he didn't feel guilty when he left you...now things haven't worked with OW funny he's on the scene again, it's rather pathetic. You deserve someone who doesn't make you the next best choice.
Write yourself a list of pros and cons of him moving back in. Then when you look at it, it will become immediately obvious which is the right thing to do (you already know this anyway). Make sure the pros are ONLY about you and your DC, NOT for him. Ditto the cons.
So sometimes he looks rough and sometimes he doesn't - does it ever cross your mind that that's deliberate? That he's trying to make you feel sorry for him? And making sure that you don't ask him for money? Because that's quite likely.
A friend once told me, after my fiancé fucked off with his secretary, and I was still in the throes of "if only he'd come back, we could try again" - once your relationship has been shattered into tiny pieces, you can glue it back together, but it will never look the same, it will never be the same, the cracks will always be there. Is that what you want? Well you've already said it isn't.
I would imagine that you're crying because it was all such a fucking waste - NOW he decides to try at your marriage, not before he had an affair and fucked off, no! It wasn't important enough to try hard then, before he broke it - but now he's found out that life on his own is a bit more shit than he was expecting, now he wants to come back and "try again". Ha!
Your cynicism and reluctance to have him back are the emotions to keep strong. You can still pity him for the pathetic person he is/has become, and you can be sad that he has let himself down so badly, BUT that is no reason for you to take him on again. You are right - your DC do not need to be messed around like that, and neither do you.
I know you aren't letting him come back but as you asked for some ideas to keep you strong..
If he did come back it would just show him how much he could get away with!
You are over the worst now. Life can only get better.
You will see another side of him if you start putting up the clear boundaries that should exist between separated spouses, and insisting on contact being elsewhere.
Why not start divorce proceedings? It seems that mentally you both need that now, to accept that this split is permanent. I think your instinct is absolutely correct - the impact on your dc of you reconciling and then splitting would be dreadful. You would have to be 100% certain reconciliation was what you wanted forever, and you seem about 85% certain it isn't. For him it's all upside - move back in, have nice house and clearly access to more money than he does now. If he decides to start messing you around again, you will be so wracked with guilt about the effect of a second split on the children that he'll be able to get away with a lot more. Win-win. I see no such upside for you.
Because now it is not just his decision to leave the marriage, it is yours too.
Therefore in your own head you are now taking a degree of the responsibility for the effects of the split on your children. It is far easier if it was all his fault.
This isn't a comment on the rights and wrongs of separating and divorcing, just a recognition that the Changed in his attitude will impact a change on yours.
You're feeling sad because you are grieving what should have been. In an ideal world you'd have had a lovely future with a nice partner. That hasn't happened (not with this one anyway, it will happen, but not if you let him back in!)
The financial implications have sunk in and the thrill has worn off. Well, frankly, he has no sympathy from me. If you let him back, he will do it again. He will have got away with it once, he will repeat the behaviour after a honeymoon period.
You need to set some boundaries. It's great that he wants to see the kids but it shouldn't be round at yours - that's him making sure he still has a foot under the table and as long as he's doing this you'll never be able to move forward with your own life.
It's fine to feel sad. For what should have been, for what he put you and your children through, and even for him (not too much though, eh?) but your instinct to not get back together is correct. Move on, formalise contact, maintenance etc, and no more contact only at yours - that's not fair on you OR the kids.
it's actually very good that he moved out and left it this long as he cannot claim to be the main caretaker of the children as a sahd anymore and therefore can't go for the house and being RP. as cynical as it sounds that is also a good reason for him to want to 'try again' as once back in and still not working he is back to being able to claim that if it works out.
in fact take that as a huge incentive to not let him back in. if you let him back in and then split he has a good chance of getting the house and kids.
if you think this is bad imagine being turfed out of your home, losing the right to live with your children and being made to pay maintenance to a man who cheated on you with a friend and abandoned you.
As Skiptonlass said, you feel sad because you realise you can't have the future you had hoped for. It's not surprising you have regrets but it sounds as if you know that you've done the right thing for your DCs and for you.
The worst thing I ever did was be persuaded by ex to give it another go when my heart wasn't in it. The second break-up was way worse than the first.
You don't want him back. He chose to break up his marriage and he left. Don't feel guilty. That was his doing.
This happens every time.
My Ex did the same.
I cried too although I have a partner who I love to pieces.
I think it's more out of frustration that none of the last years heartache and roller-coaster ride was actually necessary.
He turned your life and your DCs lives upside down and you were no doubt heartbroken.
All of that. Everything you went through. Crying, hating, loving, wanting him, wanting to kill him, etc.... all for him to have his fling and then think he can come crawling back.
Do NOT feel guilty. It's hard I know because children are involved.
But HE did this - HE did it!! Just remember that.
HE tore the family apart. HE had an affair. HE left.
Make sure it stays that way.
Thank you all - just what I needed to hear.
One of my main fears, which I didn't mention in the OP, is that the dc may end up blaming me in the future, especially if things don't go well for ex. He has MS, though is fine most of the time and seldom relapses, has no career (not due to MS - his life choices were made long before the disease happened), very little money, no home of his own etc etc. Obviously the dc (8 nd 6) are largely unaware of this now, but I worry they will question why I haven't done more for him/why I have more than him when they get older.
For the last year he has mainly been temping in schools as a cover supervisor but he now tells me he plans to not work until 'at least Christmas' in order to finish a book he has been writing since I met him. I've read bits, it's good, but his life is full of half-finished projects like this, and I'm so glad it's not my problem any more. I know two f/t teachers who are writing novels - they do it in their own time, not decide not to work to do it! God knows where he will get his money from. The last year we were together both dc were at school - a perfect chance for him to work on the book, but he chose to spend the time shagging his ow instead.
It concerns me what the children will think of him as they get older, and whether they could blame me for their dad having no house/money.
they won't thinking.
i know how the head comes up with these things though - it used to terrify my that ds would later blame me for the fact that his father has never had contact with him to which end i bent over backwards sending him emails, reminding him he had a child etc and never claimed maintenance at all despite spending some periods ill and quite penniless until ds was over 4. i was always worried i would get the blame and somehow needed to prove it wasn't my fault and i'd done everything i could.
i got over it thankfully!
he left you. that's the facts. the blame stops at he had an affair and left you - NOT at the ah but you didn't take him back when he changed his mind.
and do not underestimate his capacity for thinking about his economic position and getting the house. if he has no intentions of working then of course he might be kicking himself for having moved out of a free home that technically he could have had you removed from but continue to pay for if you split and he had stayed put.
They will think what mine did.
We hadn't told her about Ex's affair.
Just that we weren't happy staying together anymore.
It wasn't to do with her and we loved her dearly but we were separating.
She was 11 at the time.
Out shopping one day and she asked if he was having an affair.
I questioned why she would think that?
Her response - 'It's obvious mum, hardly rocket science now is it'!!
She's never really forgiven her dad for splitting up the family.
This is HIS doing. I will say it again HIS DOING
Your kids will know this eventually. They will figure it out.
They are not daft.
They will NOT blame you. I guarantee it.
Print your original post here off and stick it to the fridge / by the phone / on the back of the front door. Refer to it every time he suggests having another go of it.
Your DC will not blame you for leaving a man who cheated on you. He can twist that how he likes, but he chose to engage in behaviour which meant he had to leave.
How can he afford to ...eat, bus fares, etc?
Seems to me he wants to come back so you can cover his expenses til the end of the year.
Tell him to rethink this plan as you're not playing ball!
They are not going to blame you for him being a cheat, a scrounger and a layabout, that's all down to him OP.
If you ever wobble, just remember the above.
You got upset because he's turning the failure of your marriage onto you and making you responsible for breaking up the family. It's hard not to fall for it because the arguments can be convincing when someone refuses to accept responsibility themselves.
Deep down you must know that you are not responsible for this and you don't owe it to him or your children to try again. If anything you owe it to your children to set the example that people shouldn't accept such shoddy treatment from a partner.
You're doing great by the sounds of it. It's ok to cry
Even if this was a situation where it would be a good idea to try again with an ex, he doesn't just move back in, you would have to date first of all and see how it went.
His wanting to move in is more about wanting to make his own life more comfortable.
The MS + the friend, I remember your threads. This thread doesn't really do justice to quite how awful, arrogant and entitled your husband is.
You can't make decisions in life for fear of something that is unlikely to happen, in this case that your children may blame you for not doing 'more' for your husband.
As you've been his slave and source of income, I fail to see how you could have done more. To be honest, I think it's much more likely that your children will wonder why on earth you tolerated him for so long. Quite apart from the fact that he's an abysmal role model.
You've made the right choice, now you need to stick to it, despite his poor me-itis.
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