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18 months into a relationship and we're still not 'serious'.

(44 Posts)
DesertIslander Thu 06-Aug-15 21:37:09

I was single during pregnancy and happened to meet someone a month or so before my baby was born. Biological father has never met my (now) toddler sad. I still think of him every day.

Anyway, new relationship, 18 months on. It has been turbulent at times but my question is: would you expect more than this?
We live separately. He owns. I rent. That works. He comes over once or twice during the week for an hour after my toddler has gone to bed. We spend afternoons together at weekends sometimes so he sees toddler then. He doesn't sleep over because I co-sleep with toddler. Spending time with my small person is my #1 priority as I work full time so I admit that I expect him to work around us to some extent. He has looked after toddler for a few hours once, and has changed 2 nappies (in total). I am prepared to be told I need to get a grip but I had dreamed of more than this.


Tonight I tried to talk to him about wanting more and he stormed off.

Inexperiencedchick Thu 06-Aug-15 21:38:57


Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 21:52:55

Storming off is very odd. No back story? Have you discussed it before?

What did you actually ask him FOR?

I'd be cross if I felt you were the one stopping me from staying over, and then you complained I didn't.
(though I don't know how the conversation went)

Tbh, I really can't make out your issue. MY issue would be only getting an hour together in the evening. But then, I'd just cosleep with him too, if it was 18 months in and we were serious about each other.

But your "wanting more" seems to be more about him changing some nappies?

Ivegottogo Thu 06-Aug-15 21:57:48

I'm not sure what either of you are getting out of the odd hour In the evenings.

Can it really progress at the moment if he can't stay over?

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 22:01:34

Also, are you having sex in the one hour once or twice a week? Because if you are, you know what conclusion I'm going to draw.

DesertIslander Thu 06-Aug-15 22:02:25

It's about everything Cabrinha. I'm in a relationship but I feel lonely and very much single. Maybe I am expecting too much.

I think the feelings are deep rooted. I desperately want my toddler to have another parent, someone else who loves them. I know I can't force that, but I wish for it. I wish I was supported and not alone. I don't want (me and baby) to be a "bit on the side".

DesertIslander Thu 06-Aug-15 22:04:13

Sometimes, but rarely.

He still lives a bachelor life, gym 4 nights a week, nights out every weekend etc. I am home with toddler (exactly where I want to be!!).

Ivegottogo Thu 06-Aug-15 22:06:08

It might be too much to ask of him to love your child and act like a parent.

On the other hand he was on the scene from the start so I am sure he has thought about it.

You do need an open discussion about it but his storming off suggests he doesn't want to face things. Do you think he is happy with the set up?

firesidechat Thu 06-Aug-15 22:06:13

What more do you want? Is it his choice or yours that he doesn't sleep over?

Doodlebug300 Thu 06-Aug-15 22:06:22

You haven't said anything positive about your partner in your post. Why is that? You did, however, say that you still think of your ex every day. I'm wondering how much you really want to be in this relationship.

MysteryMan1 Thu 06-Aug-15 22:08:23

It's18 months. Does he want to be the father for a kid that isn't his? I doubt it.

Sorry to say but I think you are on your own on this one. He wants the fun and the sex but not someone else's responsibility.

firesidechat Thu 06-Aug-15 22:08:31

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship, but I can't work out from your post whether that is down to him, you or both.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 22:08:45

What about him is keeping you with him? You see him for an HOUR a week, and you rarely have sex?
Sorry for harshness but - that's not a relationship.

Honestly I think you're (in your own mind) pushing too much for him to become a dad. As I mentioned, your OP seemed all about more in terms of being with your child.

But you need first to push for a relationship with YOU. And you don't even have that.

I really think you're backing a loser here, even without him storming off. Give him up. Forget about finding a dad, and look for a husband first.

If I sound hard, I'm sorry. I stayed with a boyfriend longer than I should cos he had a same age child and I hoped to create the family I craved with him. I'm now dating someone child free - but you know, this guy actually likes me more smile

DesertIslander Thu 06-Aug-15 22:09:43

It is not my choice that he doesn't stay over, it is his. He doesn't like broken sleep and likes to lie in hmm.

I'm stupid. I'm sorry, I don't know what I want you to say.

DesertIslander Thu 06-Aug-15 22:11:34

MysteryMan, why did he start a relationship with a pregnant person then? He knew the situation.

firesidechat Thu 06-Aug-15 22:12:39

Do you go out as a couple or family, go on dates, spend time together doing things you both enjoy? If not I would say that is a very unsatisfactory relationship.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 22:14:11

You're not stupid. You're on your own with a baby that doesn't sleep (forgive me for reading other threads! I also had a non sleeper and I feel for you) and you work full time. Life must be pretty hard right now. I suspect the lure of him is that you've conveniently ticked the box that says "I have a boyfriend". Except you don't. One hour a week and refusing to stay does but a boyfriend make.

I really would just move on. Attaching yourself to him stops you meeting anyone rise.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 22:16:04

He didn't know the situation at all!

I was the pregnant one, and at birth minus one month I had NO IDEA that at 18 months I'd be cosleeping and feeding a child 3x a night still! And I was interested in babies and chose to have one!

He had no idea what he was getting into.

sliceofsoup Thu 06-Aug-15 22:18:58

What do you mean by turbulent?

All I keep thinking when I read your posts is that while you are with this guy, who really isn't that fussed on you, and neither should you be on him by the sounds of it, you could be missing out on the guy that is right for you.

DesertIslander Thu 06-Aug-15 22:21:11

We have broken it off a few times. I don't know why I go back.

Tonight the storming off followed some shouting in my face because he'd bought me a birthday present last week and now I'm complaining.

I don't even want to open this can of worms. Thank you though x

DesertIslander Thu 06-Aug-15 22:24:46

Worried about being identifiable so sorry for the drip feeding.

He has an anxiety disorder and really struggles with anger issues as a result of that.

I don't think I will meet anyone else. How? I don't go out. I don't meet anyone new. I work with a small team of (married) people.

I just need to be happy with my lot. I adore my toddler, he is my absolute treasure. I just miss adult conversation and contact sometimes.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 22:25:01

Sounds like you go back because you're desperate to have someone, anyone, and you probably have a dollop of 'who will want me, with a baby' thrown in. Understandable.
Let him go, lovey.

Take a look at the Freedom Programme? He sounds like a bad choice.

springydaffs Thu 06-Aug-15 22:27:10

Hey, come on, you're not stupid flowers

It takes two to make a relationship - and he just isn't in it is he? I can't for the life of me work out how this works for him, what he wants...

Things can dribble on in life with busyness, routine, cracking along.. Then you suddenly think 'hang on, this isn't what I want! How did I get here?'

You had a nice, easy thing going... But somewhere along the line things are supposed to develop, go deeper. But it hasnt sad
You try to talk to him and he goes off in a huff. What on earth did he expect, that this arrangement is indefinite? shock

Honestly, get rid, he sounds like a loser to me. Get and meet someone who takes life - and more importantly YOU - seriously; someone who recognises he's lucky to have your time xx

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 22:28:04

Have you considered that it might be preferable not to meet anyone else, than to be with someone who is angry with you a lot and doesn't bother to see you?

Be single, and enjoy your time with your son. Give it a year, rope in your parents to babysit, and start a hobby with the time or try on line dating.

This will sound facetious but it's genuine... If you want adult company, get a babysitter and join a book club! You'll get more from it than from this guy.

Oh and anxiety / anger + lots of gym going = steroids??? = bad news.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 22:28:55

And the lack of sex too - think that can be a steroids thing? I'm not certain of that though.

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