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I turned him down and now I feel broken up about it

(11 Posts)
jezestbelle Thu 06-Aug-15 16:23:24

I am being so silly. To cut a long story short firstly I have namechanged to protect identity. I work in a large company full of people of all ages, I am divorced and have one DD at university. I am 48 and if I say so myself in fairly good shape just not been that much around of interest lately. Romantically I mean. Anyway to cut long story short I was asked out by a guy from another department, I know him a little as he sometimes joins the rest of the office for drinks. He is lovely, a goodlooking intelligent guy if a little shy. I dont think he was ever married, works long hours etc. I was a bit surprised and tbh immensely genuinely flattered when he asked me in a quiet moment. He was utterly gentlemanly about it also when I said no thanks as tbh he is a bit young for me-37-and supposedly may be moving abroad soon. He didnt seem upset at all he just shyly asked me not to tell anyone else as if I would as hed prefer to keep it quiet. I didnt say anything. This was last Fri. I only see him on average once a week if that so not unusual I have not yet. I feel so so so bad and guilty now. I asked a man who works in his department without mentioning the conversation we had if he was ok, and he said he seemed a bit quiet but he is always fairly quiet imo. I dont know why I feel this way its just I feel I have hurt his feelings and he is not exactly a Lothario type to the extent there are rumours he is gay.. Have I destroyed his life for good. It must be so so hard for a shy guy to ask someone out, I cant exactly seek him out now and say btw you are lovely dont worry you will meet someone..has anyone else experienced this_

Zillie77 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:28:31

Are you sure that you are feeling this badly because you are concerned about his feelings only? Is any part of this wishing you had said yes to a date?

Zillie77 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:31:08

Also, you could send him a follow-up message telling him exactly what you expressed here, reiterating that he is lovely, but just out of the age range (in your opinion) of folks you prefer to date, if that would make you feel better...

jezestbelle Thu 06-Aug-15 16:31:32

A part of me probably is, i guess, mainly i just feel like a horrid b˙tch though

Joysmum Thu 06-Aug-15 16:31:42

Why do you think you need to go out with men or else feel guilty? I think that's something you need to get to the bottom of.

Logically, he asked you out, you said no and it's no biggy! Why are you thinking it is or trying to hold yourself responsible for somebody else's happiness. Chances are he's not even that bothered.

jezestbelle Thu 06-Aug-15 16:33:45

I dont feel I have to I have in my day pre marriage said no as much as I said yes, just mainly to people who werent quite so nice and kind as he is..can no one see where Im coming from

ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony Thu 06-Aug-15 16:38:44

With respect, this sounds a bit boasty... I think it's a little arrogant to think you may have ruined somebody's life by turning them down for a date.
I'm sure he's fine, perhaps just a little embarrassed.
I agree that maybe you're feeling regret about saying no?

Jan45 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:41:35

Ruined his life, I really doubt it OP, you are obsessing over something that's really not even worth mentioning.

Zillie77 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:47:18

It sounds like you treated him with kindness when he invited you out. I agree that it is important, especially when you sense that a man may be very shy, to be kind when turning him down, but you did that, no?

I am quite extroverted, so if I were really feeling badly about it I might just march on up to him and tell him directly that I think he is terrific and very likeable and etc but just not right for me, so as to feel a sense of resolution, but not everyone finds that easy to do.

I really do wonder what else is going on for you.

Are you despairing about ever meeting someone right for you?

Zillie77 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:50:15

I have an introverted husband, and many introverted friends and family members, so I do tend to feel very tenderly towards people with that characteristic, but I don't think you should be beating yourself up quite this much...

jezestbelle Thu 06-Aug-15 20:47:58

Well I seem to have misjudged this a bit by most people's responses. I am no better or worse than anyone else. I was happy someone liked me and sad to make him maybe feel bad as I'm sensitive to rejection myself. Part of me does regret it but nearly as much as I regret it if he feels bad. I don't want to reduce someone's confidence who doesn't seem to have much.

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