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Is it me? Or is it him? Help. It shouldn't be like this! (Long sorry)

(30 Posts)
LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 15:51:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KentCat Thu 06-Aug-15 15:56:27

Of course you're not being a total bitch. With the situation as it stands it seems pretty natural to question what 's at the root of the way you are feeling.

Have you spoken to him more recently about how his behaviour makes you feel?

With the children it may be difficult but is there anyway you can take time out to try and clear your head and see how you feel away from him?

Ephelant Thu 06-Aug-15 15:58:20

Oh gosh, no you are not being a bitch at all.

Coercing you into sex jumped out massively to me. You say you moved on from that but honestly, that alone says it ALL. This is not a good man. His ex had a breakdown when with him, he makes you very very anxious...actually it sounds like scared.

Regardless of your mental issues what you are describing is not a good relationship. Can you try to see a counsellor? I think you need to talk one on one to get to a point where you can listen to your own feelings and trust them. I very much doubt this in your head, something is not right at all about this man.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 06-Aug-15 15:59:30

You're certainly not being a bitch. You're ill. Either you can't help being confused because you're ill, or - more likely - you're actually right and the depression is either a separate issue or caused by him. After all he does have form, both for depressing partners and for behaving like an arse. My guess is that since you called him on the earlier behaviour he's now going for Plan B, the more subtle approach. It's still the same game though.

How about spending some time apart to see if you start to feel better? Is that possible to arrange?

Ephelant Thu 06-Aug-15 16:01:29

Can you maybe give some examples of ways you have changed in this relationship. What were you like before? Have you felt like this with anyone else? What are the things you think you would do if you weren't being controlled in some way? And how might he react? Just some thoughts that might help you to look at things.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Thu 06-Aug-15 16:06:30

Did you ever feel the way you feel now before you were with him?

I suspect not.

You question whether your own feelings are your own feelings. Eh?

If you feel anxious around him, then that is genuinely how you feel: anxious around him.

Get rid and the depression and anxiety will disappear I bet.

butterflygirl15 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:07:24

I would say your depression would be much improved if you got rid of this man. It's not you - it's him.

LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 16:14:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 16:16:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

butterflygirl15 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:19:01

so you had to hold his hands away and still he persisted? I don't care how frustrated he is - that behaviour is never acceptable.

You need to get rid immediately. And you will cope.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 06-Aug-15 16:20:16

That answers your question then. It's definitely him. Suggest you get rid pronto (and sleep in a separate room with a lock until he's gone).

Also, don't know whether this applies to yours or not, but some men prefer their partners to be a mess. It keeps you from trying to leave. You think you'll never cope without them, while all the time they are the reason you aren't coping.

Joysmum Thu 06-Aug-15 16:27:58

Fucking hell he continually tries to rape you. For gods sake get yourself out of there and give yourself the chance of a normal life.

Wouldn't surprise me if you've actually got anxiety, rather than depression, and that removing the cause of your anxiety with heal you of your depression.

You're in danger! This doesn't mean in danger of being hurt (although what's sexual assault and rape if it's not hurt) but because he has you doubting your sanity.

If my daughter ever got into a relationship like yours is be round their to kick the shit out of whoever did that to her...and I'm not a violent person.

Please, work out and escape plan and leave. He's making you into somebody you aren't. flowers

LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 16:29:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 16:31:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:31:54

Any man who forces himself and ignores advances that are unwelcome is a piece of shit OP so yes I do think he is the main contributor to your stress.

This isn't normal OP, as soon as you get away you will realise that more clearly.

Jan45 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:34:26

He has zero respect for you OP, he has previous form for being a liar, a cheat and a control freak, but yet you want us to blame your feelings on your mental condition?

He's causing it.

A decent and caring man doesn't even want sex with a woman that is not fully interested, full stop.

butterflygirl15 Thu 06-Aug-15 16:37:08

he isn't going to admit to attempted rape is he - and of course he will blame you. Just because he says something it doesn't make him right.

When does trying stop being trying and start being attempted rape? Your boundaries seem very skewed because he has done such a number on you. Such a good job that you don't know your own mind anymore.

I think you should call Women's Aid. You know the way he treats you is wrong. they will support you in getting rid and keeping yourself safe. Don't you think you deserve that?

scallopsrgreat Thu 06-Aug-15 16:43:04

Sexual coercion springs out at me too. And he has hurt you LoneLifer. He forced himself on you - that's violent. He's affecting your mental health. He doesn't have to thump you to hurt you. He is damaging you.

"I'm not the same person anymore" - That is a good enough reason to end this.

LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 17:03:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 06-Aug-15 17:28:45

This abusive man has done a right number on you to get you to this low point in your life now. He has gaslighted and worked on you over these intervening years to the point that your boundaries are now completely skewed. That was his aim all along. I would also think that he is the root cause of your overall depressed state; he has put you there.

What were you like before you met him and did you meet this individual at a low point in your life?.

Why are you at all with him given that after the first 12 months this has been rocky?. What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are you meeting here?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 06-Aug-15 17:32:08

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Men like this particular individual can and do target what they see as "strong" women (you may have described yourself as strong but he has exploited any and all of your insecurities and weaknesses to his advantage) to take them down. Men like you describe in your posts hate women, all of them starting with their mother.

Joysmum Thu 06-Aug-15 17:34:33

It's not attempted rape. He just tries and tries I think in the hope I'll give in and give it up

You are clearly saying no. You shouldn't have to use all your strength to hold a man away from trying it on with you.

I'm sorry but your boundaries are shot to pieces. I was raped by an ex partner and I know how they skew your way of thinking. Please please please get yourself away from him.

You are in danger, you think you are losing your mind. You should not see any of his actions as acceptable and he's fucked you up so badly you think the problem is you. It truly isn't. sad

LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 17:57:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 06-Aug-15 18:04:47

That's not a monster of a man is it

any man who responds to 'no' in a sexual situation with ANYTHING other than immediately backing off is pretty monstrous, I'd say.

I have depressive episodes during which my dh is my rocks, he's often the only person who makes me feel completely safe and calm - not someone who sets me on edge and makes me anxious! you know this isn't right, don't you? the way he is treating you is not normal or ok and you don't have to put up with it flowers

LoneLifer Thu 06-Aug-15 18:36:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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