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BF using tinder to message both men/women

(289 Posts)
upsidedownsmile Thu 06-Aug-15 14:42:53

Never posted before and this is going to be a long post so please be nice (but honest)

Two and a half years ago I met a guy and thought he was gay. He told me he was straight and explained about his past (which I feel I can't really go into) and explained it was firmly in the past and that he was straight. We got together and had a good relationship, but it was immature and we argued over silly things. We never broke up officially but he just cut me off and stopped speaking to me so I soon got the message. I went away to uni for the year and we met up and talked about what happened and got some closure.

About 6 weeks ago we met up again and had a series of serious conversations which helped us move on from things that were problematic for us in the past. Also, I think the time apart allowed us to grow up and we're no longer annoyed by the same petty things we were.

Everything was going really well, until a gay friend of mine found him on tinder. I've confronted him about it and he says he made the account when we weren't together and made it because he was lonely. I can't seem to get over the fact that he was a) using tinder and b) using it to find a guy. (Although he says he wasn't exclusively looking for a guy) There are other things that suggest to me he is attracted to men, his social media accounts seem to infer this all the time.

He has said he wants to work it out and sort it but I don't feel I can. I feel he lied to me about his sexuality because if he was looking for a man then he is either gay or bi-sexual. I have no problem with gay, or bi people, I have many friends who are and have never thought anything of it. However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for. But I would appreciate hearing people's advice/opinions on it

butterflygirl15 Thu 06-Aug-15 14:47:50

Erm - you really need to ask? What exactly is he hoping to work out?

You are young, why waste time on an unfaithful man, regardless of the orientation. Disloyalty and lying is never acceptable so don't waste another moment on this sexually incontinent person.

RitaCrudgington Thu 06-Aug-15 14:53:44

Infidelity is a slightly harsh term for someone who hadn't deleted their Tinder account six weeks into a relationship. But regardless, he's had multiple sexual encounters with men and you don't want to be with a bi man. There is no compromise possible here - he's simply not a man you want to have a relationship with.

The phrase you're looking for is "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work out between us. I hope you find the right person for you eventually."

pocketsaviour Thu 06-Aug-15 14:57:42

However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I'd love to hear you explain that without it being horrifically prejudiced. Go on, surprise me. hmm

Jan45 Thu 06-Aug-15 15:02:48

You had problem in the past, you are having problems in the present, is it really worth the hassle?

Doodlebug300 Thu 06-Aug-15 15:05:43

If you can't be with someone who is bi then I'm not sure what you are asking for here. No man uses tinder to meet other men unless they are at least bi and possibly gay. So he's gay or bi, which means there is no future for you two.

He also doesn't sound very nice.

HPsauciness Thu 06-Aug-15 15:10:05

He clearly is at least bi, but the thing that would put me off is that he doesn't seem to know that, someone who is very upfront and sorted and knows themselves would not be claiming they were straight!

I think it's a shame you won't consider him if he is bi, and probably this is one reason he doesn't tell women, but the onus is on him to be honest. You can then make your choice.

Epilepsyhelp Thu 06-Aug-15 15:10:57

The lying would bother me, I can't think that being bi sexual would but if it's something that bothers you then you need to get out now, for his sake as well as yours.

wafflyversatile Thu 06-Aug-15 15:14:59

I know that I can't be with someone who is bi,

There is no great quandary here. He's bisexual and you don't want to go out with someone who is bisexual. Ta da!

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 15:18:17

He's unfaithful and a liar but I think you are a bit of a dick for being more bothered about his sexuality than the fact he is cheating and a liar.

upsidedownsmile Thu 06-Aug-15 15:21:12

Thank you for your replies. If I'm honest I think it's the lying that's put me off, the fact he's bi has probably just come as a shock, as I believed he was straight for all the time we were together.

Sorry if I offended, I didn't mean too. And I think I would have considered it if he had be honest but he told me he was straight and explain why he had been with men (felt pressured and other reasons) and I believed that was the case.

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 15:27:32

So he has deliberately manipulated you into a relationship with lies. Bad guy.

You need to examine your views on bisexuality though. Just what about someone being bisexual would mean you'd set a presumption against dating them? You know that it isn't very reasonable to expect you can assume someone's sexuality from the fact they are dating you and that you simply have no right to expect people declare their bisexuality to you prior to dating?

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 15:29:22

Having a prejudice doesn't mean you deserve to be lied to. It does mean you need to have a long hard look at yourself and why you have the prejudice though since you can't expect people to accommodate your prejudiced views.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Thu 06-Aug-15 15:30:26

"However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place."

"I'd love to hear you explain that without it being horrifically prejudiced. Go on, surprise me."

I don't think it's prejudiced to admit you don't want to be with a man who's had sex with another man in the past and giving every appearance that he's hoping to have them in the present and the future. Unless you interpret "prejudice" as having fairly reasonable and unremarkable standards.

I wouldn't be going anywhere near a bisexual man and I don't suppose I'm in the minority.

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 15:33:22

No, you wouldn't be in the minority unfortunately because bisexual people (especially men) come lowest in people's estimations apart from intravenous drug users in research.

Why would you not want to have sex with a man who was bisexual?

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 15:34:50

Saying you don't want to have sex with someone who is and intends to carry on cheating and who has lied to you deliberately to get you in a relationship is a totally different matter.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Thu 06-Aug-15 15:41:38

"bisexual people (especially men) come lowest in people's estimations apart from intravenous drug users in research"

Utter bilge!

Caryam Thu 06-Aug-15 15:48:29

Women are allowed to decide who they want to be sexually involved with. You may think there reasons are petty or wrong. For example not liking the clothes a man wears or the music he listens to, but it doesn't matter.
Whatever the reason, a woman has a right to say no, I won't be with this man.

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 15:56:07

No, it isn't. Someone conducting research into people's views of different groups. Those are the responses they got.

No-one has said women don't have a right to say they don't want to be with someone for any number of reasons ranging from petty in the extreme to serious. But that doesn't change the point that it isn't ok to be prejudiced against bisexual people. If someone is saying they wouldn't be with someone based on them being bisexual they don't have to be and no-one should expect them to be but are we just meant to ignore the prejudice and get all 'yo sister' about it?

Caryam Thu 06-Aug-15 17:46:12

Depends why? Plenty of lesbians wouldn't date a bisexual women, which is fine. They want to be with someone who prioritises women.

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 17:49:22

No, it's not fine if lesbians do it either. hmm

Caryam Thu 06-Aug-15 17:51:40

Yes it is. Why shouldn't some women only choose to be with other women who prioritise women?

Offred Thu 06-Aug-15 17:58:33

Being a lesbian doesn't mean you necessarily prioritise other women. Anyone can choose who they are in a relationship with and who they aren't for any reason. Being prejudiced against bi people is not a legitimate thing to be.

Caryam Thu 06-Aug-15 18:01:09

No it doesn't mean that, but the lesbians who take that approach partner with other lesbians who feel the same.

The majority of bi women also long term partner with men. If you are looking for long term partner as a lesbian, you will be bearing this in mind.

Ladyconstance Thu 06-Aug-15 18:03:51

What an utterly ridiculous argument, Offred. How brainwashed to say 'being prejudiced against bi people is not a legitimate thing to be.' OP is not being prejudiced. She is simply stating a preference, in the way someone might not want to go out with a smoker. Get over your PC self.

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