Should I keep my mouth when I disapprove of DH's big purchases?

[Flingmoo]

Every few months or so DH will make big extravagant, frivolous purchases such as a new SLR camera, lenses and recently he's just randomly blown £800 on a drone. He's never had one before so to me it makes no sense to go straight to a high-end model rather than trying out a cheaper beginner one first. Last year I had to stop him buying an expensive telescope which I knew he'd just use a few times and after that it would just be a big bulky thing taking up space in the house.

We're not broke but if you add it all up over the years I'd rather put the money towards paying our mortgage, or something that we can all enjoy, like a nice holiday. He works full time and earns about double my salary, I work 3 days a week, if that matters.

We don't usually argue about money but I would really prefer it to be spent on something other than what are effectively grown up toys. On the other hand, it's his money to spend as he wishes... should I just keep my mouth shut? If I say anything he either gets grumpy about it, makes justifications for it, or just ignores it.

Maybe I should just shut up and buy myself an £800 handbag which he would disapprove of...

[LIZS]

So how would he react if you is the same?

[badtime]

Is it his money? Is your money not joint?

[Carrie5608]

How much do you spend on clothes, shoes etc compared to him?

Dh is similar to yours buys big expensive alloy wheels etc but in comparsion to what I spend it's not huge.

[0x530x610x750x630x79]

But he wouldn't rather spend the money that way. do you have an agreement with how much play money you each get each month?

Being a portion of your salary isn't fair when one has downsized to look after kids, so it needs to be a joint sum, then you can spend your money however you want: holidays, mortgage payments, handbags etc.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Do you have the same disposable income? Because if you do then what he chooses to spend his on should be his own choice.

If you don't have equality for disposable income then that's the problem.

[HolgerDanske]

Yep. Equality in spending money is the core issue here.

[SilverBirchWithout]

His money, his choice.

[rollonthesummer]

What do you earn to him as a ratio? Does it leave you skint at the end of the month? Hard to answer without knowing the answers to those.

[Flingmoo]

I am not really sure anymore. I pay most of my salary straight into our joint account which goes towards mortgage, bills, savings, shopping etc. Then I keep about £100 each month for other expenses. I probably spend about £50-100 a month on "treats" such as meals out with friends, new outfit occasionally, books etc. (I consider the regular lunches out as essential for my sanity as I have a 1 year old...) But I never make big purchases. Over the course of the year I'm sure he spends more but he also earns more. Argh I don't even know what to think, I just know I can't help feeling a bit irritated about these big purchases he's making! I'm probably being unfair but I'm not sure.

[Flingmoo]

We're not loaded, but we're never skint at the end of the month, we don't always have much left over but we usually have enough to put a little bit in savings.

My salary is somewhere between 50% and 60% of his.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Presumably your limited earnings were a result of a joint-decision. The money coming into the household is family money, not his and hers.

What would stick in my craw is not that he's indulging himself buying useless and pointless toys for himself but that he does so with no discussion with you about it. That's not treating you as an equal partner.

If your ?100 a month for yourself plus the ?50 to ?100 for treats balances out against his spending on himself over the year then there's no problem.

[Jan45]

That's lavish spending, not having treats, like what you do.

I also think it's selfish to not discuss with you, and yes it's the same as you going out spending £800 on a handbag; he's being irresponsible and wasting money that could indeed go towards better things, things that would mean you were benefiting also.

[arsenaltilidie]

Giving him the benefit of doubt, if he is generally a good husband he may not even realise he is being selfish.
Together you need to make a spreadsheet and also discuss your short/long term goals, as a family, and how you are going to achieve them.
i.e you need to save £££ pm for holiday, £££ house.

[Kewcumber]

If you like gadgets you like them. Work out how much you both have to spend a month on yourselves - transfer it to your own accounts and but out of what the other does with their "pocket money".

And then encourage him to eBay all the white elephant techie things you've got redundantly lying around the house!

[coffeenowalnuts]

If there's one you'd love to own - buy the handbag.

It will give you a boost, and if he's as oblivious as you make him out to be, it may be the best way to open a discussion on how to proceed. If there's one thing that irritates me is women doing the sackcloth and ashes bit because they gave birth and are raising the couples child, so feeling like they have little claim on the family budget.

£50-100 a month on yourself is nothing (and I wouldn't count the lunches, as you are entitled to eat and to see your friends.)

[Joysmum]

I can't understand why people don't ensure they have equal disposable income in separate account to spend as they see fit?

We don't argue about money because we pay bills, save a bit and then divide the rest which is put in separate current accounts.

No need to explain/ask permission/justify/keep tabs. We've never argued about money and we keep our own identities and tastes. There is no room for discord.

[Strawberryfield12]

I think that extravagant purchase from you is required, and when there is a raised eyebrow you should point out that this is how you feel every time he does expensive purchases for his own pleasure. That might make him realise few things. And then you should agree on a strict amount each of you can spend on whatever every month.

I understand that people like gadgets, nice things, nice clothes, shoes, furniture etc. And what's the point of the rat race when you cannot indulge from time to time?! But there is one big "BUT", you are working part time, probably sacrificing your carrier, potential, private pension etc., to look after his child and as a result cannot afford to indulge yourself. You mention £100 a month you leave for treats, but then the treats you name are more like necessities - clothes, books. It sounds like you have very responsible attitude towards the family finance while your DH is doing what he wants. I hope he doesn't realise he is showing disrespect to you.

My DH also likes to buy gadgets, he is very interested in technologies and that is also his job. The difference is that we have separate accounts (were to make joint account but the bank went funny about it), DH is paying mortgage and home bills 100%, my salary goes towards nice things for home, travel, now that we have baby, also most of toys, clothes etc for her is paid by me and probably once I go back to work I will be paying the nursery bill. Food and other regular expenditure is paid sporadically without any particular rules. Anyway, we both have residual income for indulging and treats. We joke and pick on each others treats as they can be odd on both sides. I would not be happy about giving up my work (full or partial) and income and just watch how DH spends it on all sorts, while I have to keep quiet because I don't bring home any money as a result of allowing him to do it.

[Flingmoo]

I've just had a serious chat with him and it turns out nearly all of it has been coming from Christmas, birthday money, vouchers from company reward scheme, and money his grandmother has given him for doing her favours in the past etc. He did tell me this before but I didn't quite realise he would have that quantity of "extra" money to blow. I do feel a bit jealous as I don't have a similar fund... But it's fair enough, I'd never expect him to share gift money.

[Flingmoo]

Still, thanks for the responses. It's interesting to hear how others approach these things.

[Cabrinha]

Hmmmm, I might get ripped apart for this...
But it would depend a bit on your part time working for me.
Sounds like you would earn similar if you were full time - 60% of his wages, for 3 days.
So are you off work because as a couple you want that for your child?
You're past 1 year now, so it's a semi permanent decision isn't it, not a maternity leave.
So, are you using "your" share to "buy" more time at home?
He may see that as your choice, your treat, rather than a necessity. Of course you offset that against childcare costs saved.
I know when I was part time, I didn't only do it because I wanted less nursery time - but because I thought it rather nice to have more free time.

I'm not saying that's fair - but it's worth considering whether your reduced earning is your personal choice or a family choice.

But in general - I think it should all go into a pot with equal spends. AFTER agreement on savings / holidays / mortgage over payments.

[FanOfHermione]

You are married, you have a chold together therefore there is no 'his' money or 'my; money. IT's your joint money.

I really can't understand that.

Think about it. If your DH had run debts, would it be his debts to pay back on 'his' money or yours (as he and you) to pay back as a family?
If you get divorced, is it 'his' money in proportion to how much he earns or is it collectively yours to share 50/50?

[Cabrinha]

Hmmmm... I'm not sure I'd be happy with that response.
He gets Xmas money? Are you married to a 13yo?
I think I'd put gifts like that into a family pot.
I would DEFINITELY put company reward money in - that's just part of salary.

[Jan45]

Oh how convenient an answer, what does it matter where the money comes from, it should be both of yours, not just his.

[Cabrinha]

And honestly, I'm a bit judgemental at him accepting money off his grandmother for favours. I bet she thinks that money is going to his FAMILY.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"But it's fair enough, I'd never expect him to share gift money".

Why not?. You are married and have a child together, this should be joint money.

(Re the drone has he at all read about the law pertaining to such aircraft?).