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Is this a red flag?

(17 Posts)
Dorsetdaisy Thu 06-Aug-15 07:18:33

This isn't so much for me but it sort of is....

Saw a friend of mine yesterday. Hadn't seen her in ages. We used to be really close. Shared a flat at uni. We dropped out of contact about 18 months ago, when she met her current partner. I wasn't bitter about that, just sad. We had a few awkward meet ups with them as a couple (and with other uni friends) at the start of her relationship where, frankly, he would just be quiet and generally not sociable. I put it down to maybe him being a bit socially unsure. But I was always bothered by how she would act a bit like a little child around him and he seemed to encourage that. I also didn't like how after every meet up, she would call or text with some excuse as to why he wasn't chatty, so I knew it bothered her. It seemed a bit controlling at the time but there was nothing concrete for me to talk to her about, even if I wanted to. Anyway. She seemed happy enough. I assumed that for whatever reason he just didn't enjoy our company and so it was awkward for my friend. With sadness, I let the friendship drift as she stopped asking to catch up. That was 18 months ago.

Out of the blue she invites me over to see her new rabbits. I thought long and hard about it but decided that I would go as I had heard from the only mutual friend who did see her at all that she was quite low at the moment as her mother is ill. She was chatty enough, he was out at work (I arranged it that way). One of the things she told me was that he had come home with these rabbits one day, which she loves. Good for her, I thought. Then she said he told her weeks later they were actually part of a "test"... If he didn't have to pick up after them and she did a good job, it showed him that she was good enough to look after a baby. She seemed pleased. Is it just me, or should this be a bit if a red flag for her? It just seems very controlling and made me uncomfortable. Happy to be told to keep my nose out, but at the moment I can't stop worrying a bit about her and regretting my decision to give up the friendship 18 months ago.

Maydivorcebewithyou Thu 06-Aug-15 07:27:59

I'd agree with you. I am not sure if there is much you can do. She won't see the problem yet.

Horrible though.

Svrider Thu 06-Aug-15 07:36:09

"Is this a red flag?" Yes
Testing her before she's allowed a baby shock
Good luck OP

Baffledmumtoday Thu 06-Aug-15 07:40:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dorsetdaisy Thu 06-Aug-15 07:40:43

What can I do? My guess is if I talk to her, she won't see it. If I wait until it all goes wrong, then who knows what she will have been though and any children?... Really sad about this.

Dorsetdaisy Thu 06-Aug-15 07:41:27

Baffled... Sadly I didn't get the impression she thought it was a joke. She was serious in her tone and didn't laugh.

ARV1981 Thu 06-Aug-15 08:05:29

Christ! Yes, that's a red flag.

Maybe broach with her that perhaps having a baby with a man who expects her to do all the work (he said if he didn't have to do any work for the bunnies then she'd pass the 'test') isn't good father material?

Good luck with this, it's horrible to watch a friend go through this. If she cuts you out (which he may make her do), tell her you'll always be there for her as at the end of this toxic relationship, she'll need you. flowers you sound like a good friend by the way xxx

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Aug-15 08:18:59

So she has to look after them and clean up after them.
So when she does have a baby he'll expect her to do everything!!!
Red flag - hell yeah.
She can now tell him she has passed the test so now it's his turn.
If he can look after and clean up after the rabbits she might consider having a baby with him! Surely it works both ways?
He sounds like a complete Knobhead!

JimmyChoosChimichanga Thu 06-Aug-15 08:22:01

Wow. Is this for real? Sadly I imagine it is. I had a friend of a friend go through similar only in her case she was shut in a wardrobe for a weekend as a test. Crazy stuff. Are we raising a generation of strangeness?

TheoriginalLEM Thu 06-Aug-15 08:22:50

buy her some running shoes

BrixtonQueen Thu 06-Aug-15 08:22:51

Oh dear, if either of them think that looking after some pet rabbits can be compared to looking after a newborn and then a growing child, they both have a lot of learning and growing up to do. They will both get a huge shock and their attitudes are worrying.

Apart from this aspect, it is a massive red flag, he is setting out his store to her, he is setting her up to fail and then he will turn around and say that she knew how it would be as he had tested her and made it clear that she would be doing the raising of the children while he...

Your poor friend sounds massively insecure and needy and unfortunately is not seeing reality with this bloke. He is proabaly a right nasty character, nothing youmhave said sounds endearing about him, he is doing a manipulative number on your friend where her life is revolving around his needs and his approval. All you can do is be there for her

Dorsetdaisy Thu 06-Aug-15 08:39:44

Thanks ladies.

This is what I had feared. I will have a think about how I can raise this with her gently and just try to be there.

donotfeelsecure Thu 06-Aug-15 09:07:26

in her case she was shut in a wardrobe for a weekend as a test. shockshock

OP I agree that this is a red flag. Good luck talking to your friend. Maybe she doesn't know what a healthy loving relationship actually "looks like"? Am wondering whether you could use and websites or books as back up?

Jackie0 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:16:50

Hope to God she has reliable contraception.

TRexingInAsda Thu 06-Aug-15 09:31:23

Sounds like he intends to be a terrible deadbeat dad as well a controlling partner and a general total git but what can you do about it? She won't see it, if she wanted to see it, it'd be quite obvious to her already.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 06-Aug-15 09:39:09

What, is she 10 and he's her father? No? Then it's ridiculous. And definitely red banner material - I really hope she doesn't have a baby to this loser. sad

Perhaps you could ask her what happens when she tries to discuss the future - does he allow her to speak, or does he verbally pat her on the head and tell her not to worry her pretty little head about these things as they're too advanced for her to understand?

I fear that she has slipped into this "child" aspect to his "parent" all too easily, and she's going to find it hard to escape from it, as she will have been conditioned to believe that she can't manage on her own. sad

Sighing Thu 06-Aug-15 09:48:40

My god that is so similar to my ex it's scary (and i thought the test things were him being ironic. I was wrong).
sad red flag ime

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