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Am I just insecure or are my friends toxic?

(13 Posts)
INeedEarplugs Thu 06-Aug-15 01:53:34

I am a migrant.

I am considering dropping communications with my friends from home. I talk to them often and I have been finding myself uninterested in things they talk about.

Usually they talk about their jobs, bosses, complain, etc and I can't relate.

I am on a career break and whenever I talk to them sometimes pretend-complain ("my boss is bringing me to this convention overseas and I'd just be very busy there it's so annoying") I feel more and more that I am wasting my life away and can't move forward with my life.

Some of them have been my friends for so long though that I kinda feel guilty for feeling this way.

enderwoman Thu 06-Aug-15 03:08:05

Neither. It sounds like you and your friends are at different stages of your life so the only thing you have in common is a shared history and country of origin.

Glastokitty Thu 06-Aug-15 06:35:14

Err, neither?

Why on earth would they be toxic? And why would you finding them boring mean you were insecure?

PrancingQueen Thu 06-Aug-15 06:47:38

So you think your friends are 'toxic' because you can no longer relate to what they say?confusedhmm

Joysmum Thu 06-Aug-15 07:57:52

You're going in different directions and friendships in life naturally drift. Not sure why you feel you need to make conscious decision to drop them or how contact with them is holding you back. Is you career break something you aren't comfortable with and your looking for somebody to blame? confused

autumnleaves123 Thu 06-Aug-15 08:00:56

I come from another country too and I sustained my friends from home for about 12 years but eventually, it came to and end.

It was and still is very sad for me but true friendship, like true love, is unsustainable long distance. Maybe acquaintances are easier to keep as they expectations are much lower.

I wouldn't drop a friend because they complain all the time, but you might just to keep some distance. Maybe phone less often.

I don't know if there's anything more upsetting underneath, but I wouldn't give up just yet.

Ivegottogo Thu 06-Aug-15 08:21:44

I don't think you're insecure and I don think they're toxic confused

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 08:26:55

Well, people grow apart, especially when their lives change significantly.
Depends what sustained the friendship in the first place. Two of my best friends have been SAHMs for 6 years now - I work FT. We're as close as ever as we like to talk about politics and sex grin and our work status doesn't define that.

You don't sound disinterested in their lives. And if you are, it actually makes you sound like the shallow and "toxic" one, you dropping them because of YOUR changes.

But you actually just sound jealous of them. Don't go ditching old friends needlessly because you are discontented and adrift in a new country.

Have you recently married? Why have you moved country without working?

TeaPleaseLouise Thu 06-Aug-15 08:35:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Aug-15 09:16:55

No, it's the friends doing the pretend complaining I think - I had to read it twice as it reads either way!

I think OP means she has to listen to them saying "oh I have to go away to this conference, poor me" but they're not really complaining.

It reads to me like OP isn't happy with her career break. She's jealous of her old friends with their careers, so has little sympathy for them complaining (hence seeing it as a pretend complaint).

She doesn't sound like she's happy on a career break - talking of not moving forward with life.

It's why I wondered if she'd moved country because of marriage, and the career break isn't something exciting. Sounds to me more like the OP had a career back home that involved complaining to her friends in just the same way... and now she's stuck in another country unable yet to kick start her working life.

I'm not getting the impression that the career break is something she wants!

TeaPleaseLouise Thu 06-Aug-15 10:47:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

autumnleaves123 Thu 06-Aug-15 19:27:49

Emigrating is one of the most stressful experiences a person can go through, it's up there with bereavement and divorce.

One of the biggest sacrifices people make when they emigrate is career or jobwise. I have seen a lot of highly qualified people from abroad being unrecognised and undervalued in their guest countries. It's mentally and emotionally tough.

The OP is probably going through some kind of grieving about leaving her country, and her career, and that's why she's finding the winging and whining too much.

Give yourself a break, OP, you don't sound too insecure, and your friends don't sound that bad either.

Twinklestein Thu 06-Aug-15 19:32:38

Bear in mind the OP's English may not be 100% she may not be aware of all the connotations of the words...

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