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Have realised that h will probably NEVER touch me again - feel sad

(15 Posts)
donotfeelsecure Thu 06-Aug-15 01:00:29

Have been in denial up until this point. It's been like this for a long time but I convince myself that things will change. H never touches me on a day to day basis (but is very physically affectionate with the dc). Sex is rare and normally initiated by me but good when it does happen. Otherwise h will lie next to me in bed and if I do put my arm around him he will more often than not lie there and not respond. So for the most part I have stopped doing it as it is soul destroying. The result is even less touching.

So today it dawned on me that this is probably NEVER GOING TO CHANGE and I now feel very sad and kind of sorry for myself blush. Am 46 but feel about 100.

How can I stop obsessing about this and feeling sad??

goddessofsmallthings Thu 06-Aug-15 01:04:07

Have you talked to him about this? Have you considered making his lack of overt affection for you a dealbreaker and asking him to attend couples counselling with Relate or similar?

thecatneuterer Thu 06-Aug-15 01:12:22

Has he always been this way or has the touching dwindled over time?

DragonsCanHop Thu 06-Aug-15 01:15:54

It's horrible is it

PoundingTheStreets Thu 06-Aug-15 01:19:42

That's crap. sad flowers

I would say to him: The fact that you never show me any physical affection, let alone sexual attention, means that I don't feel loved and I am increasingly unhappy in this relationship. I'm not sure what that means for our marriage."

See what he does. It may spark him to do something, but you'll need to be prepared for the worse case scenario.

Good luck. flowers

SolidGoldBrass Thu 06-Aug-15 02:27:08

Is he from a 'traditional' (ie superstitious and woman-hating) culture? The fact that he is huggy with DC suggests that he's not one ofthose people who dislike too much physical contact so it might be down to the fact that he has rigid ideas about who it is appropriate to show physical affection to (iechildren, puppies and kittens are huggable,) adult women are either for fucking or they are Mothers andther3efore untouchable...

AcrossthePond55 Thu 06-Aug-15 03:47:27

I'd suggest you talk to him, frankly and openly. There are just too many 'variables'. He could be secretly gay, he could be 'frigid', he could have a 'madonna/whore' complex, he could be suffering from a mental illness, or (and I hesitate to say this) there could be something that he finds 'off-putting' in you. I'm not saying this is in any way the case, and it would be unforgivable in him to not discuss his problem (and it would be HIS problem, not yours) with you.

But no, I wouldn't for a moment contemplate living the rest of my life without physical affection.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Aug-15 08:54:31

I agree with others.
Tell him you need a frank and honest discussion and put a time aside to do so.
Write down what you want to say. Go by your OP here and spell it out to him.
Counselling may help, would he agree to that?
It must be very hurtful and soul destroying.
You could turn it around if he is honest with you.
Don't accept this as 'your lot' though.
You get one life and one chance.
How old are the DC?

RealityCheque Thu 06-Aug-15 09:01:29

*Is he from a 'traditional' (ie superstitious and woman-hating) culture?
He could be secretly gay
he could be 'frigid'
he could be suffering from a mental illness*

Lmao. You've gotta love the shite spouted advice on here sometimes.

Just talk to him OP. Tell him how you feel and take out from there. If nothing changes then you have a decision to make. Good luck.

YonicScrewdriver Thu 06-Aug-15 09:05:07

Why is that shite, RC? Posters are making suggestions. It may be none of those reasons but it seems there is something up.

OP, was he always limited with affection or have things changed?

Preciousbane Thu 06-Aug-15 13:33:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladyconstance Thu 06-Aug-15 18:15:21

I'm experiencing something v similar to this. I'm mid forties and my DH, who I love utterly and completely says feels the same way about me, but simply doesn't feel those urges any more. He's 15 years older and our relationship was very intimate and adventurous for the first few years. I spoke to my DH and said the loss of intimacy was eating me up inside. I was sad rather than angry. He's my 2nd DH and I could not cheat on him, nor would I want to, truth be told. (i've had offers.) I don't know how to work this one out.

pocketsaviour Thu 06-Aug-15 21:36:58

I think you (OP but also LadyConstance) need to either seek permission to open the marriage, or leave.

I could not stay in a relationship with someone who didn't desire me. And just lying there when you put an arm round him? I can imagine how horribly painful that must be.

Ladyconstance Thu 06-Aug-15 22:21:24

It is painful, yes. How do you open up a marriage in practice? I'm pretty conservative which is why it feels such a conflict.

Psycobabble Thu 06-Aug-15 22:23:25

Why is it shite rc ?!?!

There all perfectly plausible reasons ! A search through mumnet relationship section would tell you that !!

Yes you need to establish why the. You will know if there is anything to work with

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