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I would value your opinions

(6 Posts)
RWilliams24 Wed 05-Aug-15 22:17:05

For years I have been married to a man I met when I was 16 (I am 42 now). I thought the relationship was how a relationship was meant to be, however when we moved area to be closer to his job certain circumstances changed and I realised I was not and have not been happy for a long time.
My DH has a short temper and very little patience, he is not physically violent towards me or the kids but I never know when he is going to snap and shout. There are no warning signs and he will explode at insignificant things. I have always tried to calm things down and I scurry around trying to make whatever has gone wrong right. My 10 yr old daughter has told me she is scared of him.
He shows no interest in my opinions or my interests and he doesn't like my friends. I have lost a few friends in the past because he did not like them and it was too awkward an atmosphere to invite them round and I always felt guilty going out. Even worse, he has no time for my parents and is outwardly rude to them, although since I spoke to him he has tried a little harder to be polite.
He is not a monster and he loves his children dearly but he is very selfish in the way he acts and he doesn't think twice about losing his rag in front of the kids or the language he uses. He also behaves this way in public which is extremely embarrassing. Myself and the kids walk on egg shells and I realise I have become a very nervous timid person who has no confidence in my own opinions or judgements anymore.
I am not physically attracted to him and I dread sex with him but oft times comply rather than have him feel rejected. When I look back I can't remember a time when I did want sex with him, I can remember trying to avoid it on our honeymoon, I have always been convinced it was me but I now don't think this is the case.
I have tried to talk to him about the above (not the sex bit) a couple of times and he treats it as though it is an Excel problem that needs sorting out but nothing actually changes. He has tried to show me more attention however it feels like too little too late and the temper tantrums are still there.
I am pretty much at the conclusion that I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this and I am resigned to the fact he will never change. However I have spent my life avoiding conflict and I am terrified of the trauma leaving him will create, I am terrified of how it will affect my kids who, whilst scared of their dad obviously love him, I am terrified that I won't cope on my own and I am scared of how he will cope. Plus, just to complicate everything, we have only just brought a house and there are the commitments that run with that. Am I blowing everything out of proportion and pining for something completely unrealistic? Should I continue to accept this situation as it is not an awful life that I have the majority of the time but I want to believe life could be so much better, and relaxed!
Sorry this was so long - I've edited bits out as well!

goddessofsmallthings Thu 06-Aug-15 00:43:11

A df who "dearly loves" his dc would never be selfish in the way he acts nor would he lose "his rag" or use foul language in front of them.

Myself and the kids walk on egg shells and I realise I have become a very nervous timid person who has no confidence in my own opinions or judgements anymore.

If you continue to live with him there's a strong possibility that your dc either pale shadows of yourself or brusque and brutish versions of their df. Is that what you want for them?

Your dcs 'obvious' love for their df may have a lot to do with their fear of him but, in any event, there's every reason to believe they'll flourish in a calm and peaceful atmosphere where they can express themselves freely and become all they were meant to be.

Please listen to your 10 yr old dd and take steps to get your dc out of the toxic atmosphere that pervades the place where they should feel safer than any other, namely their home.

Call Women's Aid for details of your nearest branch and make an appointment with a support worker because you, and your dc, are being subjected to verbal and emotional abuse at the whim of a man who is a monster.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 06-Aug-15 00:44:08

your dc will become either pale shadows etc

AradiaWitch Thu 06-Aug-15 00:48:48

Your life sounds miserable, and I promise you, if you ended this relationship you would not only cope but flourish and thrive. Your H sounds awful; what exactly do you get out of this marriage? This isn't how a relationship should be, not a happy one anyway. Life is too short to spend with angry people who bring you down and treat you like this. His behaviour is emotionally abusive. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and your kids shouldn't have to live like that either.

You say he loves his kids but they are scared of him and it sounds like you are too. It isn't good for any of you and if you stay you are teaching them to accept this behaviour and it is so damaging to live in such a poisonous atmosphere.

It's ok for you to leave you know, you owe him nothing. He won't change and your kids lives and yours could be so different, so much happier. Imagine what it would be like to be able to be yourself, for your kids to have a happy life, home, and a happy mum.

The house situation is sortable, it's all sortable. You are the only person who can change this, you are the one with more power than you realise.

Can you talk to anyone who can help you in rl? Look into what you would be entitled to, get help and support around you and make that decision to choose a better life and leave. Not one person in here would tell you to stay and try harder. A happy future is yours for the taking, seize it!

Intheprocess Thu 06-Aug-15 00:50:00

My 10 yr old daughter has told me she is scared of him.

Hi RWilliams4,

I think the quoted text tells you everything you need to know. Everyone has a right to feel safe and have the freedom to be themselves and it sounds like you and your children do not have this. I suggest you seek relationship counselling (on your own) to work out what to do next. You obviously care for your DP, but this situation is of his making, not yours, and you shouldn't have to be miserable just so he can be happy when this is his fault. And if you decide you need to separate from DP - many have been in your situation and made a better life for themselves and children as single parents. It's scary, it's hard, but sometimes it's necessary.

Jan45 Thu 06-Aug-15 11:43:23

One of the saddest things I've read on here in a long time.

OP, you sound defeatist and resigned to live this life of misery with a truly awful man. Men like him don't get better, they get worse.

Please allow yourself a life of happiness, you don't need toxic influences in your life, nor does your daughter, she's actually scared of him so is growing up to believe men are to be feared and obeyed.

You are the destiny of your own future, not a bully, break free, will be the best thing you could do for your daughter.

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