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Why do people just "disappear";?

(29 Posts)
Diagonally Wed 05-Aug-15 22:16:14

This is happening to me at the moment and I am finding it incredibly distressing. Have been seeing the person for 7 months and as there has been no contact now for over a week and he has read messages in that time, I am pretty certain he is not in contact because he doesn't want to be, rather than he can't.

There are some difficult circumstances going on in his life ATM but I am finding it difficult to be compassionate when he just seems to have cut me off. We only saw each other the weekend before last and planned for me to go to his this weekend. He wouldn't even answer when I left a message asking whether I should make the travel arrangements or not.

I need to leave it be now, I know, but I am so desperately upset.

brokenhearted55a Wed 05-Aug-15 22:27:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ivegottogo Wed 05-Aug-15 22:28:32

It's a coward's way of telling you they don't want to see you any more.

Diagonally Wed 05-Aug-15 22:52:00

I don't think there is anyone else, Broken, there is a possible reason why he might have wanted to, related to finances.

My question is more about why has he cut me off rather than talking to me about what's going on with him, or ending the relationship? I don't actually feel like he has ended it, I just feel in a weird limbo like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it will all have been a bad dream.

I've been dumped enough times before and it's never easy but you cry and talk the ears off your mates and get through it somehow.

But everyone I've mentioned this to in RL so far is just shocked and say things like can't you try ringing / don't you know any of his friends to call, aren't you worried about him. And that's not really helping.

Joysmum Wed 05-Aug-15 22:55:25

You've only got to read this forum to find the answer to that.

Some don't like confrontation and fear being talked around.

Diagonally Wed 05-Aug-15 23:07:20

Well I wondered that joysmum, but if so, why not send a text or a dear John e-mail?

Or maybe he couldn't make up his mind so he's waiting for me to do it for him angry

Joysmum Wed 05-Aug-15 23:33:05

I suppose they do head in sand and hope it'll fizzle away without eliciting a response.

LuluJakey1 Wed 05-Aug-15 23:50:52

Well he is absolutely telling you who he really is so please listen to him, turn your back, walk away and never look back. Lucky escape.

redshoeblueshoe Wed 05-Aug-15 23:58:29

You said he has some difficult stuff going on, maybe he is really struggling with it and doesn't know what to say/do. He might be depressed or embarrassed - he might think things are his fault and you will judge him. There might not be anyone else - maybe just send a gentle text I'm here if you need to talk (that's you to him - not me to you as I'm off to bed soon)

LucyBabs Thu 06-Aug-15 00:02:01

This last happened to me in my late teens and I still get a lump in my throat when I think of the pain it caused.
It's bloody awful, so I feel your pain op
flowers

winkywinkola Thu 06-Aug-15 01:02:41

It's called ghosting and it's very common. People just vanish from your life. Very painful. hmm

SolidGoldBrass Thu 06-Aug-15 01:12:51

Right, you can make one phonecall. ONE. If you are moderately convinced that he is too broke to pop round for a shag and you want to tell him that's OK, make that call.

If you don't have a phone number for him then, basically, welcome to Dumpsville. Not only has he dumped you, but he always had it in mind that he would: he didn't fancy having to explain to you that you were dumped and never intended your association with him to be anything more than short term.

While it is not nice to be dumped, you just have to suck it up. Because no one is owed a relationship and (unless there are children or shared assets such as a mortgage to consider) everyone has the right to cut a partner off and walk away, for any reason whatsoever. Tough shit.

Scarzo Thu 06-Aug-15 04:10:22

The NY Times wrote about Ghosting recently, here

It's a really shitty and cowardly way to behave. flowers

niceupthedance Thu 06-Aug-15 06:02:05

After seven months?! I hope you bin the coward.

TheStoic Thu 06-Aug-15 06:14:28

People do this for two reasons: Because they don't like confrontation, and in order to leave their options open and your door open.

That way, if they change their mind, they can come back in a week or a month or 3 months and say 'I am so sorry, it was work/a death in the family/I was hit by a bus' - and they expect to pick up where they left off. Until next time they disappear.

Joysmum Thu 06-Aug-15 08:01:08

TheStoic that's a blooming good point about keeping the door open. star

lavenderhoney Thu 06-Aug-15 08:35:37

It's called ghosting and usually means they have met someone else. You can generally sense you're going to be ghosted as you won't get a reply to a message as quickly as usual for instance.

I was ghosted once a long time ago, he disappeared entirely for 6 months then called me in the night. I was with a new bf and not impressed

He accused me of cheating (!) and said I should have waited for him as we got on so well. I blocked him. No idea where he was, and didn't care. He clearly didn't care about me.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 06-Aug-15 14:05:29

It's not, actually, a terrible thing to do. Sometimes it's the most effective and the safest way to deal with someone who is likely to react badly to being dumped. Not implying OP is the sort to stab a partner for saying 'I don't love you any more' but there are people who would do that.
If you're dumping a partner because s/he has been bullying you, or continuously overriding your wishes and ignoring what you say, then just fading out is the most comfortable option.

Ivegottogo Thu 06-Aug-15 14:19:40

When someone did this to me (I was relieved) he contacted me six months later on facebook saying he was 'gutted' that he had lost my number and could we try again.

I didn't believed him for one moment but I agreed to see him a few times and he did exactly the same thing! (I was more relieved that time.) I thought what a coward. Why not just end it?

badooby Thu 06-Aug-15 14:33:06

I've done this. We'd been going out for a fair while but he'd got progressively more jerkish and passive aggressive in various ways, and didn't show any concern about my being unhappy despite quite a few conversations about it.

He blew me out at very short notice, having been very jerkish even for him the last time I'd seen him, and so that was it, I just blocked him everywhere (including sending all his emails directly to spam) and never heard from or spoke to him again.

In my case it was because it was the way I could cause him the most irritation and discomfort to be completely honest. I knew it would drive him up the wall because he was the kind who wanted to have the last word on everything. He deserved it, he was a knob.

flowers to you OP, I'm sure you're far from a knob and don't deserve it.

BradfordMum Thu 06-Aug-15 14:37:36

Aww. Not nice is it?
You're in a state of limbo.

HPsauciness Thu 06-Aug-15 14:44:41

I think it's a horrible thing to do, and would only be ok if the person was abusive or likely to kick off or something, otherwise, a quick 'sorry but it just isn't working for me' is absolutely a minimum after 7 months, you can then block/cease all contact, but leaving people hanging on is rude. Plus you always wonder if they've had an accident!

SolidGoldBrass Thu 06-Aug-15 14:59:46

Sometimes it's because the person isn't actually aware that you (generic 'you' not directed at any individual poster) consider yourself to be in a relationship with him/her. If the two of you hang out together or have sex occasionally but s/her never makes particular plans to meet up with you then s/he might simply have moved on or been taken up with other things, and not realise it's a big deal.

Kvetch15 Thu 06-Aug-15 17:38:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FurtherSupport Thu 06-Aug-15 17:56:26

I had a man disappear for a couple of weeks once. His father had died, we were in the early stages of a relationship, he was a macho type who didn't want to cry in front of me, he was busy making arrangements and comforting his mother, didn't want to ask for help or deal with the help he knew I wanted to give....it wasn't entirely healthy, but it wasn't because he was deliberately disappearing.

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