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mother criticises my partner all the time(9 Posts)
I hope you can help me. I've been with my boyfriend 4 years, we're both in our early 30's and are very happy. I'm 4 months pregnant with our first baby. My mother, who lives a 3 hour drive from us, has always been awkward with him or any other boyfriend I've ever had. Shes on her own and has no friends or family except me, which makes her emotionally dependent on me (she always has been since my father left).
I could cope with that, and usually we get on quite well, but she feels the need to criticise my partner and his family at every chance she gets. There is no reason or cause for this criticism except jealousy that she perceives I spend more time with them than with her (I don't). She makes my partner feel very uncomfortable when we visit, and ever makes snide and hurtful comments towards him in our house. I've spoken to her, sternly and seriously, about her behaviour but she either blames him for being "too sensitive" or denies ever having made the comments.
Now I'm pregnant she is obsessed with being "in my life more" but refuses point blank to acknowledge that in order to spend more time with me she has to make some effort with my partner. He's a kind and supportive man who works hard and will make a great dad - she has no reason to criticise him and it causes tension between me and him because he can't understand why she feels hostile towards him.
I've threatened not to visit or contact her until she stops, and after a while she makes some small effort, but then at the slightest thing (say, for example, recently she took issue with the fact that he has joined a gym even though it was me who suggested it!) she will go back to finding some reason to dislike him.
I want my child to have his or her grandmother in their life - I have no other family in this country, but she's making it impossible. I'm blue in the face trying to explain to her, but she even uses the fact that I threaten not to see her as other reason to hate my partner - she says he's "influencing" me!! Nobody I know can understand why she acts this way because my partner is such a nice guy, in fact the type of guy who helps all the old people in the street with odd jobs etc.
I'm going out of my mind with frustration. I feel sorry for my mom because shes VERY lonely and if I don't call, nobody does. She has no hobbies and won't take up any. She's not even 60 yet but is too negative about everything to try new things or meet people.
She sounds awful. I had a mum like this and I ended up going no contact 6 months ago because I was so sick of her constant, draining negativity and hatred for my DS.
It would be nice if every child had two sets of loving grandparents. Unfortunately, your child is only going to have one set. I can't see a way you can allow her contact with a child because you know full well she's going to be hateful about the child's dad, which no child should ever have to hear.
We don't get a choice on the family we're born into, but we do get to choose the person we marry and have children with. Your husband and your DC are now your immediate family, and if your mum can't accept that then she doesn't get to be part of your life any more.
Very very hard but you owe you main loyalty to your new family and you mother must change to be a part of it.
Keep telling her firmly until she realises what she could loose if she doesn't change.
Don't necessarily give up on her but definitely don't give in
Perhaps she is used to manipulating you and she is jealous. She needs to know that her behaviour will ultimately mean she looses you ...make this very plain
She can change if she wants to and she has to.
Going NC is a lot easier said than done. A half-way step might be to say she won't be welcome in your home or spending time with her grandchild until she agrees to family therapy in a bid to settle this once and for all.
My mil and my mother both got the nc treatment from our older siblings partners when they had families. By the time it was our turn to.have children they had learnt how to behave my mil never passes an opinion on anything!! and is very sweet to be around and my mother tries very hard to.be positive now a days remarkable changes for both .
Ok my last post probably sounds to good to be true but both women, mil and my mother both had learnt to' tone' it down as daughter in laws on both sides refused to put up with there own peculiar ways .
My point is stand up.to.your mother make her understand that she has to change her ways in order to be part of your new extended family .
You can only say that every time she takes a pop at him she's hurting you and you don't want to be forced to reduce contact to reduce that hurt.
She's jealous of you and your little family. You say she has no hobbies, interests or friends and so she spends her days obsessing about you and your partner. In her mind, she probably thinks that if she turns you against him, you'll turn to her and she can have the life she used to have before you and him got together.
You are going to have to be really bloody minded here you know and set up some serious boundaries that show her what is acceptable and what is not.
I'd start with withdrawing. Next time she says something horrible about your partner, cut the conversation dead. Don't argue, explain, justify, get upset even. Tell her you refuse to engage and leave or open the door and tell her to go. Tell her she is behaving in a hugely disrespectful manner and with a child on the way, you cannot afford to have a little one exposed to such damaging emotional abuse.
For that is exactly what it is you know. Abuse.
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