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I[24F] walked away when he[30M] wouldn't commit...

(20 Posts)
alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 13:55:17

Disclaimer: I'm not a mom, I am posting here because the community looks active and on the mature side, and I really really need some good advice from experience now ...

So I really liked this guy. He’s basically my version of Prince Charming. Amazingly good-looking, great career, personality, education, family background, etc. also mind blowing sex. The best guy I’ve ever dated, in the sense of “market value”.

We dated 4 months, saw each other 3 or 4 times a week. I could tell he enjoyed spending a lot time with me, just hanging out and having conversations. He gave me his apartment keys in the first month and welcomed me to stay at his place all the time, even when he's away.

Then there came a point when I realized he truly didn’t want a committed relationship. He said so at the beginning, but we acted like a couple. And I was so carried away so just ignored it, since he's growing more and more attached to me. We agreed to be exclusive in the beginning, so I thought as long as we are only seeing each other, it’s technically a relationship.

Then one day, I found out he was in a LDR with a girl when we started dating. They had been LDR for three or four months since he moved here before he met me and apparently things did not work out. They never see each other (It's a 12 hour-flight). Yet he never told me about it, just claimed he was single and haven't dated for a few months when we met. He never officially broke up with the LD girl either, at least according to what I saw she wrote him 2 month ago, which is into 2 months we started dating.

She said she deeply loved him but he's gone cold in the past few months and could never be reached (of course he was with me all the time). She rambled on in long long paragraphs in the letter, that she really tried hard to make it work. It enraged me cuz my "bf" didn't even have the gut to inform her he met someone else.

The day I found out about this girl, I confronted him. His face darkend, eyes widened, looked scared and got all defensive. He declared he really ended it long ago and stopped responding (I guess he meant ghosting). Also he wanted to stay single for a while. He claimed to be disillusioned about love and how things are determined by circumstances. My guess is he did try to make their LDR work at first, gave up after a while, didn't have the courage to officially end things.

"But we agreed to be exclusive in the first place, while you were still responding to that girl" I said and "you lied to me, I don't know if I can trust you anymore".

He became visibly stressed, of course claimed the classic "I told you in the beginning I never wanted a relationship".

Then he apologized, claimed really liked me but he doesn't know where he's at, regarding career, life goals. He might move to another city next year and isn't ready to settle. Thus, he doesn't want to start something serious here and become disappointed again later.

I was devastated of course. I thought we had built a strong connection for the past five months. Now I realized the feelings weren't equal, he never took me seriously. So I cried and said I loved him, but had to leave. Not only coz he lied, but also coz he didn't respect me enough to be his long term girlfriend.

He was apparently distressed as well, slightly trembling and crying as I gave him back the keys. He begged me to stay and talk tomorrow. I didn't.

I went directly to NC. He texted me on Day 3, said he was sorry, asked how I am and wanted to talk if possible. And a few texts after that. I didn't reply.

Today is NC Day 15, I still feel awful, lonely and depressed. He has great great qualities and will be a terrific bf if we meet in a different time or place. I want to go back when he sorts his shit out with the other girl, when he is ready to take risk again. My instincts tell me to give it another shot.

I plan to contact him after one or two months, see where he's at then. However. I am also scared that during NC he'd assume I had firmly closed the door, thus move on as well. The truth is I miss him all the time and it's killing me inside.

Please let me know if you think what I am doing makes sense at all. Any advice is very very much appreciated! Thank you.

pocketsaviour Wed 05-Aug-15 14:00:50

My instincts tell me to give it another shot.

You have got to be kidding me.

This guy has "player" written through him like a stick of rock.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 05-Aug-15 14:11:24

What ps said.

This guy's a commitment phobe who has no doubt already moved on to playing his next victim like a violin.

Different time or place? You're deluding yourself, honey. He won't make a terrific bf in this life and when he eventually ties the knot with an unsuspecting woman, he'll always have an eye for getting his leg over with others.

If try to 'give it another shot' you'll find that all you've succeeded in doing is shooting yourself in the foot.

inlectorecumbit Wed 05-Aug-15 14:21:27

Yep l would think after 15 days this player has already given someone else the keys to his apartment.

The door on the relationship is closed keep it locked and just move on

AnyFucker Wed 05-Aug-15 14:30:23

will waiting a month or two change the fact he is a low life cowardly cheater who put you in the role of the other woman without your knowledge ?

he did it to her, he'll do it to you

alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 14:31:35

Thank you, that's not what I want to hear, but I guess you are right.
Now I have urge to go back to his apartment and find out if there's someone new in there...

Jan45 Wed 05-Aug-15 14:40:31

What has he done since Alice, is he climbing over hot coals to convince you otherwise, showing you signs of undying love?

So he didn't actually see this girl whilst he was with you or have any kind of relationship, he just didn't end it, is that right?

AnyFucker Wed 05-Aug-15 14:41:22

hold on to your dignity and never let him cross your path again

alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 14:51:13

Thank you all for clearing my head up.

I know what he did was cowardly and wrong...
What I try to convince myself is purely my fantasies of him, not who he really is. I guess I just want a perfect guy too much and built up too high expectations when I met someone who meets all the exterior qualifications.

Now I feel really disappointed.

alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 15:12:48

What has he done since Alice, is he climbing over hot coals to convince you otherwise, showing you signs of undying love?

Well, he sent me texts basically said "sorry, wanted to talk" and I didn't reply. A few days later, I asked my friend to contact him to pick up my stuff. He replied later he'd deliver it himself and he did the next day. Everything is perfectly packed with care and he delivered personally to my apartment receptionist. Sent me a detailed text on how to pick it up. I replied "received" that's it.

I know he doesn't have undying love for me, just to be fair we only dated four months. I do think he cares about me, health, career, etc. We did hang out a lot and got to know each other quite well. He worries about me and acts protective sometimes, as an elder friend.

So he didn't actually see this girl whilst he was with you or have any kind of relationship, he just didn't end it, is that right?

Yes, they live in different countries, so they haven't see each other since we started. According to her, he seldom responded to her texts and phone calls in the past few months. When I confronted why he was cheating, he said he tried a few times to break up with her. It was hard. He just diminished contacts.

alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 15:21:01

To be fair, he did declared he didn't want a relationship in the first place, I just didn't pay attention. Because his actions all together contradicted with this declaration. He lets me know his plans all the time, asked me before he wanted to do some stuff alone and happily spent most of his time with me.

Oh well, he just wanted company and I am really fun to be around with...

Jan45 Wed 05-Aug-15 15:23:30

So he didn't actually see her or have contact whilst with you, if that is true and you really do feel like it's killing you not seeing him why wait two months?

alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 15:28:17

And people always say, give it time for things to develop organically. Never push a guy into commitment. And it was just a few months, we were so comfortable and happy, so I didn't really worry about the label too much either.

Yet he did a wrong thing and pushed my button. Two deal breakers. That's why I went directly to NC...

alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 15:35:48

So he didn't actually see her or have contact whilst with you, if that is true and you really do feel like it's killing you not seeing him why wait two months?

No he didn't see her, she's half way around the world. But there are texting and phone calls once in a while, initiated by her. He didn't consider it cheating cuz the relationship is over in his mind.

Yes it hurts a lot. But I will force myself to endure NC if it's the right thing to do.

trackrBird Wed 05-Aug-15 15:37:28

he apologized, claimed really liked me but he doesn't know where he's at, regarding career, life goals. He....isn't ready to settle....he doesn't want to start something serious here and become disappointed again later.

That's a lot of line shooting. If you meet others like this you'll hear the same lines.

You did the right thing to end it. He is a player. If you meet anyone else who seems perfect, or too good to be true, be wary. There are no real Prince Charmings or knights in shining armour, but there are some good and decent men out there. Keep looking flowers

CitySnicker Wed 05-Aug-15 15:39:45

He told you at the start he didn't want a relationship and he is still saying a relationship because he may be moving away anyway. There really is no point, regardless of the history.

alice14c Wed 05-Aug-15 16:05:41

"why wait two months?"

Sorry I missed the question. The simple answer is b/c he doesn't want a girlfriend now.

Waiting 1 or 2 months is b/c I think large part of reason he doesn't want a relationship now is because he just ended the previous one, which dragged too long (although it's been dead in his mind, her still contacting him makes him hard to truly move on). I wanna give him time to sort this out on his own, also some time to miss me.

I know the line "he doesn't know where he's at, regarding career, life goals. He....isn't ready to settle....he doesn't want to start something serious here and become disappointed again later" is an excuse man pull when he's just not that into you.

madgirlslovesong Wed 05-Aug-15 16:14:17

I think men say that at the outset when they know they are a player, but want to prepare their exit later. They can say 'I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship' and then in their mind they are still the good guy. I would walk away and not look back. He's told you who he is.

Isetan Wed 05-Aug-15 16:28:34

But I will force myself to endure NC if it's the right thing to do

Come on Op, if it's the right thing to do? He's a chancer and he's probably already hooked his next conquest.

You were in a relationship with this man. His declaration that he didn't want to be in a relationship was a get out clause played very early, so he couldn't be accused of cheating because 'technically' you weren't in a relationship. This bullshit logic was also applied to his LDR because 'technically' he hadn't had contact with her so therefore they weren't in a relationship.

If you believe being lied to and ignored are ideal qualities in a bf, then yes he ticks all the boxes. Ditch your Prince Charming tinted goggles because they made this frog look like something he's obviously was not and probably will never be.

Your eagerness to rationalise this mans appalling behaviour leads me to believe that you may be a bit to easy to spot on any twats radar.

Happytuesdays99 Wed 05-Aug-15 16:33:02

Move on. This one is over.

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