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husband decided he wants to end relationship and move out

(81 Posts)
mummyalways Wed 05-Aug-15 11:39:30

Im a bit numb at the moment and not sure where to turn. My husband of 11 years has decided to end our relationship and move out. We have two beautiful children ages 8 and 6. We moved to Norfolk from London a year ago for his job, i had to quit mine but we decided me staying at home would be a good choice as i wanted more time with the children after missing out on so much and he encouraged this choice, it was a really big step as we had no family or friends here, i found a job working with children just 2 hours a day which helped go towards the bilss but was really just so i could keep busy. We are very happy here we bought a lovely house and our quality of life is much better than before and i thought we were happy. It became apparent a couple of months ago that he was not getting on with his boss - he hates to talk about work with me so i dont know the details, always says he needs to switch off when he gets home.
He came to me and said he had been offered a job back in london that was too good of an opportunity to turn down, it was a lot more money and he said it was only monday to friday so he could come home on the weekends, after much talk i agreed he needed to be happy in his job and if this was what he needed to do i would support it as long as he came home at the weekends.
He found a room to let and has been there for two months, hes been distant so i put this down to being away from us for a week at a time. The last month he says to make a good impression he has had to stay and work weekends which was not great but i had to be ok with this. Last week i going through our bank statements i found £50 spent on flowers, i casually mentioned this to him but he said they were for a client and i didn't make a fuss and laughed off my suspicion and joked because he never buys me flowers as he doesn't agree with money being spent on them. Hes been rushing through our phone call in the evening because he has to take out clients for dinners - i would understand this but he been going out alot and the frequency doesn't fit with the norm of his job. i realise i must be sounding like a jealous wife and i guess i was being but i didn't voice this to him just silently had the arguments in my head.
We have been happy no real arguments at all - my suspicions surfaced because he has been unfaithful before something he would never admit to but i had all the evidence, i did decided to stay with him because i loved him and wanted to try for the children.
So last friday he sends me a txt message (i know, coward after 11 years a text msg) completely out of the blue saying he just not happy anymore and wants to move out, i was numb with shock and then angry when he wouldn't answer the phone. He just sent me more messages telling me there was no point talking..i mean how am i supposed to know what i've done wrong!!! i tried to access his online banking (i do this all the time so i can transfer money to my account as all the household bills come out of my account) but he had changed the passwords. i messaged him to ask him to put the money for the bills into my account as they had already come out and i was going into my overdraft. mine and his savings stay in his (i know stupid mistake on my part but its been this way 11 years). He said he was not going to transfer money because he needed to save to find somewhere of his own to live and that i needed to seek advice on claiming benefits. im honestly at a loss, im heartbrken and im so angry now all the tears have gone, i save them for bedtime sad i have no family or good friends here and im embarrassed to call them. i guess im hoping he having some sort of mid life crisis and will change his mind and that really he has not been cheating on me.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Wed 05-Aug-15 11:52:46

Oh my God - you poor soul. That is just awful. Awful.

I suggest you start getting legal advice now. He has a duty to support his family - he can't just opt out and they can give you some initial advice as to how to deal with the finances urgently. Thereafter, divorce if that's what you want.

Start looking round the house and make copies of bank statement and tax returns/P60s etc - anything g that gives any sort of financial info.

HawkEyeTheNoo Wed 05-Aug-15 11:56:53

OMG!! I'm so sorry for you OP! What an absolute bastard!!! You NEED to talk to your friends and family, whether this is a midlife crisis or not, you need support!
I'm not sure he can just stop paying the bills, phone all the companies and tell them what's happening and give them his address and phone number. Do you have a mortgage? Phone them too and if you can change all the direct debits to come out of his account! What about the kids? Is he dumping them too?
I'm sorry but it does sound like there is someone else hmm

Jan45 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:59:33

What a bastard, really. So he has form and that was never really dealt wit as he denied it all even though it was true, so, looks like the same thing has happened again.

OP, he's a cheat and probably always has been, he saw an opportunity working away and didn't waste any time, I know it must be bloody awful for you but in the long run you will be glad you are not with him, there's no trust there whatsoever.

Can you go home at all?

Oh and you have done nothing wrong, he's not able to stay faithful.

Coconutty Wed 05-Aug-15 12:03:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Wed 05-Aug-15 12:42:00

Get straight to a solicitor ASAP. It's one thing leaving but he's out for himself and absolving himself of all responsibility and that needs to be corrected immediately.

butterflygirl15 Wed 05-Aug-15 13:13:27

I would think him moving back to London coincided with a new relationship for him. It is pretty clear cut I think. Staying there for the weekend, flowers, previous infidelity. I would also advise STI testing for yourself - sorry.

So you need a lawyer and to claim benefits and child maintenance from CMS now. Do not delay this any longer. They won't backdate so you need to make calls today.

scallopsrgreat Wed 05-Aug-15 13:14:58

Agree with Joysmum. Get to a solicitor. Also try CAB.

Rights of Women website is also incredibly useful.

You've done nothing wrong. He is the one who has done wrong. And he knows it. Hence why he is blocking contact and being a Class A bully.

As others have said he doesn't get to opt out of providing for his family.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed Wed 05-Aug-15 13:28:48

You have done nothing wrong.

You agreed to quit your job (your financial independence) and uproot your family to accommodate his job move.

You agreed to his new, new job and his living arrangements, even though it left you (unsupported) and the DC without him during the week.

He has decided to end your marriage with a text.

He has decided to leave you and the DC without financial support.

He has left you in a corner of the uk where you have no family or close friend support.

What I'm trying to say is, you have made sacrifices for him/family life. He has not been as thoughtful with his ending of the relationship <understatement>.

1. Call solicitor ASAP. Specifically ask about putting a stop on his account so that he cannot move funds - if possible.

2. Solicitor - find out what level of financial support you are entitled to now.

3. Do you have a mortgage? Whose names/provider etc... Can you temporarily stop payments.

4. Where would you like to be in 1yr/18mths? I know it feels too soon, but forward planning will help to relieve the current pain and give you a focus.

5. Custody. 50/50 or weekends etc... Again where (geog) do you want to be, maybe not right now but in future. At the moment can H have the DC at weekends. The DC will want to see him. You are too far for odd day visits. This is the logical conclusion of his making (as long as the DC want this).

This could give you much needed cry time away from DC, more job hours or even activities to build friendships.

Get advice ASAP, everything else can roll on from there when you feel up to it.

5. Don't be surprised when a 'friend' materialises.

TheGirlWithAllTheGits Wed 05-Aug-15 13:33:52

Good advice here already and I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to say how angry I am on your behalf. He is a cowardly, cruel and selfish ... well, cunt really.
It especially enrages me that he is financially disadvantaging you hmm

neolara Wed 05-Aug-15 13:39:47

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. His behaviour is absolutely appalling. I'm afraid I have nothing practical to add, but I would urge you to take some legal advice asap and tell your family and friends so you get some proper support.

DrMorbius Wed 05-Aug-15 13:45:14

Sounds like a real charmer.

Sadly it has happened (sound's like he checked out of your marriage a while ago) now you have to deal with it (sorry if that sounds harsh).

i have no family or good friends here and im embarrassed to call them. i guess im hoping he having some sort of mid life crisis and will change his mind and that really he has not been cheating on me You have no guilt in this, so tell everyone. Don't spare his embarrassment.

Seek legal advice ASAP.

Ring his HR and explain he has left you (by txt), that you suspect he is having an affair and is refusing you access to money for yourself and his children. Not a lot they can do, but some companies take a dim view of behaviour like this.

Think to the future (without him) what do you want to happen. Start to make plans.

Becauseicannes Wed 05-Aug-15 13:57:23

Fwiw, The first thing I thought after reading this was "b*stard". I am so sorry he is treating you like this. My mouth dropped open at that news about the bank account. To treat you like this, is bad enough but his children as well? I am speechless! I have no advice, just hugs for you. have you got anything of value of his that he may require: passport etc?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Aug-15 13:58:00

Well he still has to support his 2 children.
As long as you know what he earns, work it out from THIS LINK how much are entitled to. If he's on 65K then he should be paying over £110 per WEEK!!
Text him immediately and tell him to transfer said amount into your account.
It's far better if you can arrange these payments yourself rather than involve CMS as it will cost him more to do it that way.
Just let him know that.

Then get onto CAB and find out what benefits you are entitled to as a single parent.
You will need to let the council know as you get reduced council tax as a single parent.

No, this is not a midlife crisis. This is an affair and it's gonna get nasty (it already is). YOU did nothing wrong. Know that for sure. This weak, vile, piece of scrum did something wrong. NOT YOU!

Get your family and friends on side quick sharp. His too if you can.
Why the hell are YOU embarrassed to call them?
You haven't done anything wrong.
He is the one 'allegedly' having an affair and abandoning his family with no money or support.
Make sure EVERYONE you know, knows about this. Every little bit, the money etc......
Then watch him squirm.

Head OUT of the sand time mummy start taking action to get your life sorted out without this fuckwit.

Sorry by the way - many of us know exactly what you are going through.
It's horrible and you won't be able see a way out of the hellish hole you feel like you are in.
But we are all here to tell you that it does get better.
When it's had time to sink in, come back for some tea and sympathy.

But in the mean-time, get tough and get actions in place.

Please look after yourself.
Eating solids may be hard right now. I lived on orange juice ice lollies and soups for weeks and weeks. Couldn't stomach anything solid.
But keep yourself hydrated and get some sugar in your system as well. Shock is the last thing you need.

flowers for you!! And very UnMNty (((((HUGS)))))

Becauseicannes Wed 05-Aug-15 13:58:28

Please reach out to your family and even if it's only one friend you tell. I would want to know if you were my friend.

TiredOfPeople Wed 05-Aug-15 13:58:37

Sweet Jesus OP sad You poor, poor thing, what an absolute fucking cowardly fucktard of a cunt.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Aug-15 14:01:01

Sorry - that's over £160 PW not £110 - £650 per month!

Teaching123 Wed 05-Aug-15 14:03:00

This is so awful. Horrendous. I don't have much advice but am in Norfolk and have used family solicitors etc so if you do need any advice on where to start let me know. To text you and not even speak is disgusting.

Artio Wed 05-Aug-15 14:13:10

What a cowardly pathetic excuse for a man. Please follow the great advice from other posters and start acting TODAY op - getting angry is good and taking action will help too. You are married to him and you have kids, he doesn't get to just keep all your money for himself.

Nolim Wed 05-Aug-15 14:19:28

Nothing to add from me. As others have said get a solicitor, get support from friends and family and move on.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Wed 05-Aug-15 15:10:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeasideSunshine Wed 05-Aug-15 15:20:55

Protect yourself and your dcs. That's your priority now. Whatever you do, do NOT protect him from the consequences of his behaviour. Tell family and friends. Get their support.

mummyalways Wed 05-Aug-15 15:33:18

Thankyou for all your advice, he actually called me back not long ago (i gave in and called through to his office - he hates me calling there as he thinks its unprofessional...well answer your phone then!).
i cant believe how unbothered he sounds, He's transfered £400 into my account to cover some household bills this month but insists i go about claiming benefits or get a job to cover them next month...honestly the way he talks is like i have never worked in my life and have been dependent on him always! Before i had my children i was earning more than him!!!!
He says he is going to continue to pay the mortgage until the children get older as he does not want to sell the house and that we can come to an agreement if he pays this now the house will be his at the end.....i mean what is his game!!!!!!
i feel like im stuck...i have no friends and family here...i cant even drive! I have been taking driving lessons recently since moving here you really need a car to get around, i guess the car he promised me is also out the window!
ive spoken to the council and will be paying council tax as a single person, and tax credits are sending me a claim pack. Hes told me not to speak with the mortgage people as he is covering this and there is no need for them to know?

He wants to see the children at the weekends when he can but he wants to come here to do so...i dont want to be selfish and say no so they cant see him but to be honest i dont want anything to do with him!

i have his card details infront of me and im thinking about purchasing the children's new school uniform on it....i guess that would make me a criminal though?

all your advice is helping me so much thankyou

Jan45 Wed 05-Aug-15 15:39:04

I'd stop all talking about finances with him and go get professional help. If you are on a mortgage this will definitely affect your right to benefits as it's capped, it would also be fraud if you omitted.

I wouldn't listen to him OP, I'd go down the legal route now.

chansondumatin Wed 05-Aug-15 15:48:57

Yes, do not agree to anything he says on the financials/house without legal advice. He is talking rubbish and trying to bully you into accepting a crap deal. You will almost certainly be entitled to far more than he claims you will.

Please get on to a solicitor asap.

What a bastard he is!

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