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How do you make peace with joint money going on DH's old debts?

(91 Posts)
namechange48383 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:21:31

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Baffledmumtoday Wed 05-Aug-15 11:32:45

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namechange48383 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:40:08

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Joysmum Wed 05-Aug-15 11:43:05

Well fit me I liked the fact that I could help and had improved him by teaching him how to manage money, it can't be fun being in debt.

Joysmum Wed 05-Aug-15 11:43:24

*for me

Addictedtomaltesers Wed 05-Aug-15 11:45:06

I'd say that as you are married they should now be considered a joint problem to overcome together. Once they are clear you can both feel satisfied and treat yourselves with the extra money.

Also if you plan to have dc it may even up when suddenly all of his money goes into your joint living whilst you may not be at work.

You are a partnership and I'd try to see it as supporting each other.

19lottie82 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:46:46

why did you agree to joint finances if you weren't happy about paying off his debt? you'll either need to swallow this, keep up with the joint finances and work together to pay off his debt OR separate your finances again, I'm afraid.

pocketsaviour Wed 05-Aug-15 11:49:03

Legally speaking, when you marry you join your finances, unless there is a pre-nup of some sort in place.

Did you know how big the debts were before marrying?

namechange48383 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:50:07

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namechange48383 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:53:01

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19lottie82 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:56:48

lottie, if we had strictly separated finances, he'd still be spending a chunk on the debt, that would otherwise be put towards our savings,
or our lifestyle or whatever

Not really, that's the whole point of separate finances!

You work out how much the bills are, then take half each from your wages (if that works for you), then the rest of your money is your own, to save, buy new clothes, pay your debts or whatever....

Heels99 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:56:53

I wouldn't have married him in those circumstances sorry,

justsuperman Wed 05-Aug-15 12:12:43

I was the one in debt in my marriage, and I chose to go bankrupt to make sure I could make a fresh start. DH did offer to clear the debts with his savings, but it was tens of thousands and I wanted that money to go towards our house deposit.

We have entirely separate finances on paper (no joint accounts), so he isn't linked to my credit record - he got the mortgage in his name only and was approved for an excellent rate which he wouldn't have got if we were linked. But we share finances in principle, in the sense that we don't keep tabs on who is paying what or owe each other money, we think of it as ours. DH is earning far more than me right now so he transfers money to my account.

I expect he could go for bankruptcy or IVA without it affecting you, if you closed all your joint accounts first. Simply being married doesn't link your credit scores, that isn't even noted on your credit file. But I suppose it would still affect you in the sense that his credit rating would be damaged, so if you need his salary to apply for mortgages/loans etc then you'd be limited as it would be better to do it in your name only.

namechange48383 Wed 05-Aug-15 12:13:14

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tallwivglasses Wed 05-Aug-15 12:22:18

So he wasn't frittering the money on luxuries as far as I can see, he had bad luck with his ex and negative equity, like 1000's of other people. We're in a tough financial climate, we all just have to make the best of it, and it sounds like you are - well done for helping him, that'll benefit you in the future. Presumably you love him, he's a good husband and you have nice times together - lucky you smile Life's too short to be bitter, it really is. Count your blessings.

venusandmars Wed 05-Aug-15 12:29:19

I'm a bit confused - you said your dh isn't good with money and had racked up some debt before you even met, but you said that the actual debt was due to negative equity that happened after you were together.

I think they are different. I'd be pissed off about paying off historical debt that had been caused by reckless spending, but none of us can foresee the kind of financial change that causes negative equity - if we could you would have asked him to exit from his previous mortgage before you got married. However you married each other, presumably in the full knowledge of his shared responsibility and so you kind of both went into that arrangement together.

When you marry each person comes with all sorts of previous history: one might have children while the other doesn't; one might have studied for qualifications and have good career potential while the other doesn't; one might have saved from an early age and have money for a deposit while the other has spent all their money. At the point you agree to marry or join finances in some other way, you are accepting that and going forward from that point together, aren't you?

Baffledmumtoday Wed 05-Aug-15 12:29:30

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namechange48383 Wed 05-Aug-15 12:35:39

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namechange48383 Wed 05-Aug-15 12:38:18

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AGrinWithoutACat Wed 05-Aug-15 12:40:23

I paid off my DH's debt early on in our relationship, the debt was due to him taking out credit cards and not thinking through how he would pay it back and it escalated from there.

He didn't want me too but I could pay the debt without impacting our quality of life and it meant that we then had more disposable income each month.

DH has now learnt how to save and budget �� and I have never resented paying it off as I consider us as a unit and all money, savings, wages, debt as ours not his and mine

Jan45 Wed 05-Aug-15 12:52:17

For that reason alone I'd have held of marriage, his problem, his debt. You didn't do that so are now saddled with it jointly, not much you can really do about it now.

You are of course entitled to feel resentful and bitter.

GoooRooo Wed 05-Aug-15 12:56:14

I paid off DH's debts when we got together and combined our finances. I then took control of all of our money (with his blessing) and it's worked very well - no more debt!

I just took it as part and parcel of us being together. The finances needed to be sorted so we just did it.

His mother once said to me if it wasn't for me he'd still be living in his rented bedsit living on takeaways with no provision for the future and she's right. On the other hand, he is a brilliant DH and dad in many other ways and I have my shortcomings too so it all evens out.

Maybe83 Wed 05-Aug-15 12:58:29

My dh has huge debts from prior to our relationship from a business with an ex and a house they owned with each other. The business is closed and we have take over the house restructured the mortgage and are paying back the business debt. He could have gone bankrupt but were I live it's a much bigger deal. I'm the higher earner and we have joint finances although separate accounts so I'm not linked to him via my credit score.

I just treat it like he treats my history it's in the past. Nothing can be done to un do those decision they were made in a different time and relationship. I have resented it at times but my dh is so supportive of me in our life I see it as the same in return.

Joysmum Wed 05-Aug-15 13:00:29

DH was no so good and racked up some debts before we even met

I wouldn't say negative equity and a change of circumstances is being no good with money confused

cozietoesie Wed 05-Aug-15 13:07:17

It's a pain right enough - but is the relationship worth it?

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