I'm 8 months out of a sexually and emotionally abusive 10 year relationship with someone who'd constantly grab my ass/breasts like he owned me, coerced me into sex and shared details of our sex life with his friends. If we went out he wanted to vet my outfits. He was controlling, quite unpredictable and constantly wrong-footed me. He got a great kick out of thinking he had a sexy thing with him but at same time accused me of drawing too many (imaginary) looks from other guys or dressing provocatively for others. Or he would say I looked frigid in the outfits I had chosen. He'd also make comments on make up and nail varnish (too slutty, too tame) or lack of. All of these were also excuses to abuse me when we were home. He didn't want me to work or me going out with people he didn't know.
Despite all this I thought I'd kept a fairly confident self-image and even when he said I looked frumpy or frigid, I changed clothes to keep the peace (to avoid the abuse, in vain) but I didn't really believe him when he said I looked awful. I submitted but in my head I had this little voice that thought 'you twat you don't know what you're talking about'. I'm quite into style and styling, I enjoy sewing and making clothes as a hobby and generally looking feminine and I just think I know what looks right on me.
With it being summer it should be really liberating being able to walk around with normal summer clothes without him constantly treating it as an invitation to paw me. And it is.
I was thinking recently though how much it's affected me and how little I've worn lovely dresses or tops I own or had made outside the house and that without realising it I remember his comments and that when I go out I feel really aware of the male gaze and I've stuck with blouses and jeans and bland stuff that cover up, as if showing my cleavage and a bit of leg is going to be an invitation to ... God know what actually... It's a tiny thing actually in the grand scheme of things but it makes me inexplicably sad... It's a bit like I'm now associating anything slightly feminine and sexy with him still. Actually when I was with him I never worried that much about what others (men in particular) would think of my clothes but now he's not around to abuse me it's something I think about. The stupid thing is that I could have worn a potato sack it would have made no difference to his behaviour so what I'm doing makes no sense. I know the abuse has affected my attitude towards men. I feel really awkward around them. But the more I think about it the more it feels it's affected my relationship with myself.
I should say I have become much more anxious since initiating divorce so maybe this is just more anxiety?
Has anyone else felt a bit
like this? I hope I don't sound too precious about this. I have lots of other much bigger worries in my life at the moment but it's something that's bugging me. It's like this bit of me has died but I hate it and want it back.
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Did being in an abusive relationship change your attitude to your femininity or is it just me?
7 replies
AstrantiaMallow · 05/08/2015 09:27
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