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Could you get past this?

(95 Posts)
RuffDiamond Wed 05-Aug-15 09:11:59

Name changed. I won't give TMI but DH has, a number of times, done something in bed I do not enjoy and i asked him not to do it again. He has since tried to do it but I have swatted him off with a stern no.

However, last night he bloody did it again! I told him straightaway that I do not like what he does and please don't do it again.

He didn't seem remorseful and I was not happy about it and felt violated so went to sleep in the other room which he huffed about. I sent him a message telling him it was not ok what he did.

He came straight in and apologised profusely, said he thought I enjoyed it and it would never happen again.

Would you forgive this?

WickedWax Wed 05-Aug-15 09:14:26

Would I forgive a sexual assault? No.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Wed 05-Aug-15 09:15:25

is this anal sex?

I would find it difficult to forgive dh if he kept trying to do something he knew I didn't like.

He did it to you, he then sulked because you were upset and then seemed to think you had enjoyed it.

Hr doesn't sound like a nice man OP.

TantrumsAndBalloons Wed 05-Aug-15 09:16:04

No, I wouldn't.

Doing something to you, after you have repeatedly said no is assault.

Joysmum Wed 05-Aug-15 09:16:47

He's been told 3 times now, he should of got the message after the second time. How clear were you in communicating it? Is there any chance he thought you didn't fancy it but weren't against it IYSWIM? If you were clear then I wouldn't get past it, in fact I'm in therapy for it due to a previous partner 26 years ago and have badly affected my ability to trust in others and myself sad

RuffDiamond Wed 05-Aug-15 09:16:52

No it was not anal sex but it involved a finger. Sorry, tmi

SkatesMcgee Wed 05-Aug-15 09:17:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkatesMcgee Wed 05-Aug-15 09:17:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rewy Wed 05-Aug-15 09:18:12

So you asked him repeatedly not to do something and he continued to do it anyway?
No I would not forgive it
It is assault
I'm sorry you have had to experience that

MrsEvadneCake Wed 05-Aug-15 09:18:13

WickedWax is right. It is sexual assault. I couldn't forgive that.

pocketsaviour Wed 05-Aug-15 09:20:55

He came straight in and apologised profusely, said he thought I enjoyed it and it would never happen again.

Do you believe this? Because I would be asking a) if he has a serious short term memory problem that caused him to "think you enjoyed it" when in fact you've told him several times not to do it, and b) He's presumably already told you it would never happen again when you asked him to stop doing it, so what's changed this time?

DorisDazzler Wed 05-Aug-15 10:15:57

I wouldn't forgive a sexual assault either. And he knew full well you didn't like it. How awful.

Dynomite Wed 05-Aug-15 10:31:43

I wouldn't be able to get past it. He knew very well you didn't enjoy it (FFS you told him no) but he didn't care. He just wanted to do it and nothing else mattered. That's awful. It's called sexual assault and it would leave any woman feel violated.
He doesn't care whether you enjoy sex, he doesn't respect your body or your wishes, he just sees you as an object meant to do whatever he wants. I really could not forgive this. And he's done it more than once and keeps insisting...that's just awful

TheFullMinty Wed 05-Aug-15 10:44:21

All the alarm bells are ringing here, he isn't interested in your enjoyment or consent and is only now apologising as you have put your foot down by leaving the room and sleeping elsewhere. How did he react all the other times you told him "no"?

LiverMummy25 Wed 05-Aug-15 10:54:21

Maybe he thought you were too embarrassed to say you enjoyed it because of what it was. Obviously you didn't enjoy it but if it's a new thing he's starting doing then he may have felt you were playing hard to get. In any case if you made yourself quite clear then he should stop and if he doesn't then he is not respecting your boundaries.

Maybe explain that your hardly likely to be in the mood if he is being inappropriate. I would find it hard to forgive if he continued. You are not a piece of meat as someone else pointed out.

WickedWax Wed 05-Aug-15 10:55:23


ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 05-Aug-15 10:57:36

Playing hard to get!!! Oh yes the old no means yes defence

NotTellingYouMyName Wed 05-Aug-15 11:01:51

LiverMummy25 That's an awful thing to say to someone who has been sexually assaulted.

humlebee7 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:02:05

I had an ex boyfriend that did this. Repeatedly told him no to do with fingers. Still tried it. One night I was woken by him trying to have anal sex with me - he just tried to stab it in. Bloody agony and left lasting damage. As if I'd wake up and say 'oh yes you were right. I am enjoying this'. hmm

UnsolvedMystery Wed 05-Aug-15 11:06:23

It would worry me hugely that he seems to completely disregard your very clear instructions that you do not like this and have no interest in exploring it. He seems to think that if he keeps trying it then you will give in and learn to like it.
It shows a lack of respect and a lack of integrity.

You need to have a very serious conversation with him - not in the bedroom, about consent, about sex not being something that he does to you - it's something you do together that you both get pleasure from. That bit seems to have passed him by.

LiverMummy25 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:11:00

She didn't say she had been sexually assaulted. It sounded as though they were getting in the mood and he put his hands somewhere not wanted. I doubt the OP would be with someone who sexually assaulted her. I didn't mean she hadn't made herself clear i'm saying from the mans point of view that he may have thought she did like it. Have you never been embarrassed to admit you like something of a sexual nature?

Maybe you haven't but misunderstandings happen is all i'm saying I think that's a bit more justified than labelling him a sex offender.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 05-Aug-15 11:15:01

Yes liver that's exactly what she said! He did something to her sexually that he knew she didn't consent to. That's the definition of sexual assault. Lots of women stay with partners who sexually assault them.

WickedWax Wed 05-Aug-15 11:19:13

OP, please don't listen to Liver.

Those of us that have read your post properly can see that you've been quite clear, on several occasions, that you don't want or like this.

LiverMummy25 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:23:39

When then I've misread and do apologise OP.

I thought they were getting in the mood because obviously when your having 'sexy time' You don't usually declare to your partner 'I'm going to do this to you now, do you mind' It ruins the mood. That's what I meant but obviously he's overstepped the mark and is out of line.

BreacaBoudica Wed 05-Aug-15 11:24:33

Liver, wtf is the matter with you?! She has told him she doesn't like it, doesn't want him to do it. He did it anyway = assault. Would you say the same if OP was your teenage daughter?

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