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Starting to see another side of DP - and I don't like it

(45 Posts)
excitedbutscared Tue 04-Aug-15 21:56:54

So, I've been in this relationship for 18 months or so and to be honest, was completely smitten, love struck and couldn't believe that a man this amazing could possibly be interested in me. I didn't let on I thought this and tried to play it cool etc.

I am in love with him, and believe he loves me. When we're together (every weekend because we live about 40 miles apart) he's affectionate, loving and respectful towards me - always

I don't know if I'm just suddenly starting to see it or whether he's just started showing his true colours, but he's been doing and saying some things (on social media mainly) that I really don't like

There's a particular woman, who is married, but is also into burlesque and runs various club type things to do with it, and I really think he flirts terribly with her on FB. Just comments on her status, things that aren't obviously outrageous, but could easily be read between the lines of. He has also recently put comments up that to me are vulgar. His mates are proper 'lads' and he does keep up a lad like attitude with them, which is fine. Bit childish, but doesn't bother me normally. But this time, he made a comment which included a joke including the word pussy and him attracting them like a whiskers factory. It was a joke, but nonetheless, I found it vulgar - mainly and probably because he had just made a comment on this burlesque woman's status within the same minute. I think he had been to the pub after work and was probably a little drunk.

It don't know why it has bothered me so much - I feel a little bit sick and was that cross that I switched off all social media and also my phone because I don't want him to contact me. This is the first time I have ever even come remotely close to wanting to do this.

Not sure if I'm just tired and in a really bad mood - or whether this is serious and I've seen another side to him that I really don't like. Am I overacting?

Sorry for the pettiness - just wanted to put it out there!

cleanindahouse Tue 04-Aug-15 22:16:22

The lad comments would be really off putting for me.

excitedbutscared Tue 04-Aug-15 22:20:11

Is it bad enough for me to make a thing of it though?

Maybe the rose tinted glasses are coming off

newstart15 Tue 04-Aug-15 22:24:27

I think 18months to 2years is when you know someone. He is showing you who he is, so listen.I ignored my concerns with an ex and regretted not getting out as the behaviour is likely to continue.You are completely entitled not to like his comments (I wouldnt like his joke as its disrespectful)

TokenGinger Tue 04-Aug-15 22:25:57

I'd say it's no more concerning that the fact you switch off all social media and your phone so he can't contact you when he doesn't even know you're mad.

Lads are lads, IMO. They do make stupid comments. However, there's s difference between making them in the pub with your friends and on social media for the world to see. It's a sign of disrespect towards you. I guess it's a case of figuring out if it's bad enough for you to make a scene about.

newstart15 Tue 04-Aug-15 22:27:36

Yes, your feelings are legitimate and come from your values.He may not share the same values and has given you a glimpse of who he is.My DH would never post something like this.

LuluJakey1 Tue 04-Aug-15 22:29:09

YANBU in my opinion. I could not stand that. It is childish, disrespectful to women and pathetic. Even if he just wants to be like his mates it is pathetic - why would he want to be like that?

'Lads' get away with murder through claiming stuff like this is a laugh and banter.

Having said that, DH has a laddish streak which manifests itself in a football obsession and back- slapping when he has had a pint. He knows I hate it if it gets beyond a certain point and it never does. I really do hate it, I think it is a whole way of behaving and thinking which undermines women in our society.

steps down off soap box

JulyKit Tue 04-Aug-15 22:29:09

Why do you think it has to be 'serious' in order for you to give yourself permission to find it really unattractive?

And why do you think that you have to be tired or stressed or whatever in order to just find something unattractive?

It's unattractive behaviour - in your opinion, in PPs' opinion, in my opinion.

Can you just admit that you find it twattish, childish, pratty and a bit dumb? I don't think you need to make excuses for yourself (or him) to see that.

LuluJakey1 Tue 04-Aug-15 22:31:04

And I think the saying is very true, 'If someone tells you who they are, listen to them!' He is telling you on social media.

PresidentTwonk Tue 04-Aug-15 22:33:14

I don't agree with 'lads are lads' 'that's what they do' etc etc I know loads of men who don't behave like that so why put up with something that you've said made you feel sick?

The comments he's made are disgusting and demeaning to you and to other women, if he seriously think his attitude draws women to him, he's sadly mistaken.

I agree with the comments that he's telling you who he is so listen, if you stay with him, you will regret it and you will be making many more posts about him on here in future.

I don't even know you and I know you deserve better than that so imagine what people who know you would say... Imagine what you would advise your sister, mother, best friend, daughter, colleague, other poster of they told you this about their parter... wine

BuggersMuddle Tue 04-Aug-15 22:37:50

It might be harmless, but that doesn't matter. It's entirely okay that you find it unattractive. I have some lovely mates who are 'men's men' or 'lads' and they are actually very respectful in practice to the women in their lives. In their banter and speech...IMO not so much (although not quite pussy joke territory!). For me it would be a deal-breaker and I think that's okay - you set your own boundaries.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Aug-15 22:41:17

what do you think you deserve, op ?

a "lad" or a man ?

decide that and act accordingly, would be my advice

ImperialBlether Tue 04-Aug-15 22:44:05

How old is this person? He sounds incredibly immature and a bit up himself.

I wouldn't be attracted to someone who talked like that. I'd think he was a real idiot.

excitedbutscared Tue 04-Aug-15 22:58:52

I guess I'm really disappointed. I respected him and admired him in lots of ways and this has completely contradicted everything he made himself out to be to me. Shame on him

He's 42!! A proper alpha male, but one who I thought had dignity. I think I may have been wrong. I just wish he had shown this side 12 months ago

Twat - I'm so cross and feel let down

I'm glad you all don't think I'm being prudish or stuck up

excitedbutscared Tue 04-Aug-15 23:00:20

Although I think he knew he was being an idiot as he followed his comment up wtih joke^^ - but he could have just completely deleted it. I guess his bravado to his mates was more important

excitedbutscared Tue 04-Aug-15 23:04:52

And now he knows he's royally pissed me off because he left me a message telling me how much he loves and adores me.

Like I say, this is the first time I have been angry with him. He knew that just by me turning my phone off and not being online he has 'in the dog house'. No words were needed. The sad thing is he went ahead and submitted his post anyway. Perhaps I should see if he heeds this as a warning before I do anything drastic. It didn't seem like the guy I have gotten to know

AnyFucker Tue 04-Aug-15 23:11:20

ugh, that sounds very much like you are contemplating "training" him to be a grown up

if he isn't one by now, I would consider it a thankless and ultimately fruitless task to attempt to turn a knob into someone worth your time

ImperialBlether Tue 04-Aug-15 23:13:51

I agree, if he's still a knob at the age of 42, he always will be.

MurielWoods Tue 04-Aug-15 23:19:51

I have a couple of FB friends like this, both males and both neighbours.

They definitely prefer to be identified as 'lads' rather than 'men' and this is evident from the comments they make and the things they share on FB.

I'm sure they think that they are funny with their 'harmless banter' but they just stand out and make themselves look like utter prats (we are talking late 40's here).

Go with your gut instinct here OP.

I hope he didn't use the phrase 'in the dog house' himself by the way? If so what a pathetic arse.

trackrBird Wed 05-Aug-15 00:20:37

I posted on one of your earlier threads, and this situation with your DP made me uneasy then.

This is the guy who was extremely affectionate to you at weekends, yet indifferent if you tried to make a midweek date. He claimed this was down to work stress iirc.

I don't think you've seen the real him OP, just a show he's put on for you. Hence all this 'loves and adores you' over-the-top chat, when he's been making suggestive remarks to another woman, and vulgar comments. I think he's keeping you sweet, not telling you how he feels.

I feel harsh saying this, but I don't think he's the man you think he is, and I can't interpret his behaviour any other way.

TheDowagerCuntess Wed 05-Aug-15 06:05:46

He's 42; you're not going to change him. These are the sorts of red flags you look back on, and wish you'd heeded.

Fairylea Wed 05-Aug-15 06:14:19

Urghh. I hate stuff like that. I think it's very disrespectful to women and even worse when he's dating you and talking like that. I think it's definitely dump material but then I think I have a very low tolerance for bullshit having been in two unhappy marriages already (now in my third!) I just wouldn't put up with it.

If I am dating someone I don't want them to be flirting with someone else and even less so publically on Facebook. The lads jokes are just incredibly childish and cringey.

Duckdeamon Wed 05-Aug-15 06:18:01

Have you actually told him you really dislike the crude sexism on social media and flirting/messaging the other woman?

Why did/do you have him on such a pedestal? What do you mean an "alpha male" - that he is very good looking and financially successful, or that he is arrogant?

Imlookingatboats Wed 05-Aug-15 06:19:42

He still might be a nice guy, but puerile stuff like that is a real passion killer.

areyoubeingserviced Wed 05-Aug-15 06:23:34

If you want to continue the relationship, it's up to you. However, those red flags are swaying like mad imho.

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