DHs lie :(

[Olympicpark]

Nc for this.

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc and we have a great life and relationship. When we got married over 12 years ago I asked him not to go to a strip club on his stag do. He promised he wouldn't and I asked his best man to not take his mates to one.
He promised that he wouldn't.
This is a big deal for me and I would have bet my mortgage on him being truthful when he said they didn't go.

Well, I found out via a flippant remark made by one of his mates this weekend that they went somewhere after their cheesy club and DH said 'yes well let's not talk about that now shall we' and everyone laughed.

So as we drove home I asked him about this and he said he didn't know what he was on about etc, lied and denied for a good few minutes. I asked him to swear on the kids and he just kind of gave me this guilty smile.

This floored me completely and I have never felt fury like it, he has lied to me for the whole of our marriage about this, knowing that it's a massive deal for me. We were driving home the morning after seeing a load of old friends so I had to wait a good hour before we got out the car and I could get away from him.

I need to know if I am BU really. He apologised massively, said it was just a drink then they went home (to be honest if he had had a lapdance or whatever I don't quite know how I would continue in the marriage) and after a heartfelt chat (after my huge rage in the car) things have kind of returned to normal.

I just feel really wounded and sad about it but feel like a total arse bringing it up over and over again. I am also fucked off beyond belief. I honestly would have smugly said that he hadnt gone to anyone who asked, because he told me he hadn't.
There are no other issues with our relationship and never have been. I trust him in everything which is why this is doing me in!!!

I suppose I feel stupid that they all knew and completely betrayed when he knew it was an absolute deal breaker for me.

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

[BeyonceRiRiMadonnna]

Just Let it go and without knowing what the big deal is I do think YABU.

[magoria]

You can't actually believe him when he tells you now 'it was just a drink'.

I can understand that you are really hurt that he did, and deliberately, lie and included others in that lie against you over something that was an absolute deal breaker for you.

It show little respect or care for your views all these years.

Unfortunately I don't have the answer for you.

[ancientbuchanan]

You need to work out why it was and is such a big deal for you, whether the fact he did lie means more, how that affects your trust in him, and whether you think that you can forgive him and that your marriage is worth it.

If on balance you think that your marriage is good, then how upset would you be for it to fall apart over something that has been covered up but happened a long time ago?

You need to be clear and honest with yourself.. Do a pros and cons let, and work out why you are so cross, and grade the strength of your emotion. Then sit back and ask yourself plainly what the reasonable position is.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be cross (aka furious), but for me it would be the question of whether I could trust him now that would be more important than something that happened in the past.

[silverglitterpisser]

This would hurt n anger me beyond belief. It doesn't matter what anyone else's views on strip clubs r, u expressly asked him not to go n not only did he go, he lied, had all his friends complicit in the lie n carried on the lie for years!

I'm not sure what I would need from DH to put this right, if it could be put right at all.

Sorry, OP.

[stepsharp]

I understand OP, your world has tilted a bit and nothing feels quite right.

It's horrible when the things that you know to be true, aren't. I don't know how you get back on track, so I'm not much use, but I would feel the same. I think that I might worry about how many other things I could be wrong about.

[Olympicpark]

Thanks. It's kind of being minimised now. And I (stupid as I might be) do believe him about nothing else happening because he swore on the kids (I know that sounds really childish to say but it's kind of our yardstick - he had been avoiding admitting it for ages before I made him swear and he couldn't about going in the first place).

And that's it silver exactly, I don't know what I want him to do to make it better. I am so hurt about the length of time that I was happily confident that it hadn't happened, but yes ancient I do still trust him in other things still.

Yy magoria too, it's the disrespect that gets me, he doesn't get that I am monumentally fucked off about the fact that he actually went, and I found him trying to defend it absolutely disgusting.

And there is no secret reason or anything about why I find them really degrading, just that I do and the thought of him being turned on or whatever makes me feel nauseous.

And yes, thanks for that idea ancient about spoiling an otherwise fantastic and solid relationship over this. I do feel like it's not worth spoiling but need to somehow exorcise my anger. I kind of feel like he will get annoyed if I keep bringing it up and that annoys me even more IYSWIM.

[wafflyversatile]

I'd pit 12 years of solid marriage against a one off stupid drunken thing he didn't tell you about because you might have dumped him and he didn't want that.

Yes, it's shit that strip clubs is still a thing on stag dos for many men. It's pathetic macho misogynistic bollocks that some men still think is a necessary and oh so fucking hilarious thing to have the groom go to on a stag do.

The attendees probably didn't know it was a particularly abhorrent thing for you, and probably didn't know it was a secret as such. They probably just generally kept schtum about the stag night because thems the (twatty) rules.

[wafflyversatile]

I do think you need to stop bringing it up over and again. It can't change anything. He can't change anything. You found out, you were reasonably angry, you've had your say over it. Rehashing it will probably only feed your anger as he gets frustrated repeating himself and no matter what he says it will never be enough. You need to find a way to draw a line under it and move on.

I'm not sure what to advise you do do though. Write down exactly how pissed off you are, make him read it then you burn it? I really don't know.

[QuiteLikely5]

Since you believe nothing else happened I would let this go.

It is eating up your emotional energy and impacting upon your marriage.

Easier said than done I know but I bet it wasn't even him who initiated the visit in the first place. It was probably one of the others. Maybe the friend who dropped him in it.

[SleepyForest]

It is not really about lap dancers though. It is a man who chose to do something he knew would deeply wound his fiancé / wife for no good reason and then lied, and got others to lie with him. He is either weak or horrid. Not thoughts you want to have about your dh.

[WhySoAngry]

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc who also happens to be a human being who found it hard to say no to his mates after a few drinks on his stag do and has probably been dreading it coming out for the last 12 years.

Give him a hug and tell him never to lie to you again. If you keep going on about it you'll turn him against you and drive him away.

[UnsolvedMystery]

Over 12 good years of marriage would make up for a broken promise if it was me.
The lie was covering the broken promise so I understand why he has kept that to himself.

[FolkGirl]

I'd end it over it.

Because of what it was and what it represents.
Because he promised he wouldn't at the point in our lives when he was supposed to love me and care about me.
Because he lied for 12 years about it.
Because every one else knew and was laughing at me because of it.
Because I would no longer respect him.
Because I would no longer trust him.

But that's just me.

I have very little time for faithless liars.

[FolkGirl]

12 years of a marriage in which every day was a lie.

[agnes54]

Get over yourself you've been married 12 years YABVVVU have you never done anything that you know he wouldn't approve of and if you answer yes then you have lied just like him.

[FolkGirl]

But he knew this was a deal breaker for her, did it anyway and then just lied about it instead. Hardly a lovely man.

[midgeymum2]

Do you know the full facts - where did they go? What actually happened? If it were me I'd need a full disclosure to be able to work out what I wanted to happen next.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated

Get over them. Your pride may be hurt but in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal that he went along with whatever the best man/his pals had planned for his stag night and, while you may be irate or disappointed that your orders weren't obeyed, it is what it is and it shouldn't be allowed to detract or otherwise sully your great marriage of 12 years duration to date.

In your place and on encountering the culprits again, my attitude would be 'well done lads, you hid that one so well I would have put money on you not making twats of yourselves by going to some sleazy dive' and if the subject recurred I'd turn it in a running joke about how some men can't be trusted to stay away from dens of iniquity on the eve of their marriage, how predictable can they get , or similar.

Out of curiousity, how much of a dealbreaker was it for you back then? Are you saying that had you known he'd gone to an even cheesier club after the one that had been chosen for his stag night, you wouldn't have married him?

If so, perhaps you should reflect on what turn your life may have taken if you'd ditched him. For starters, you wouldn't have your dc and it could be that you married another guy who swore bllind he wouldn't go to a strip club on his stag night only for you to discover x years later that he had because, as waffly has said, "thems the (twatty) rules" and, it seems, the (equally twatty) custom for males who are about to seal their fate plight their troth at the altar.

Fwiw, imo there's something distinctly juvenile and suspect about those who swear oaths on the lives of their dc or on the lives of others. If such an oath has any meaning it seems to me its preferable to put your own life on the line and not involve those who are entirely innocent of whatever wrongdoing you've been accused of.

[PrimalLass]

It is not really about lap dancers though. It is a man who chose to do something he knew would deeply wound his fiancé / wife for no good reason and then lied, and got others to lie with him.

Or a man who chose to not do what his controlling fiancée told him to do? That's probably what the answers would be here if a man was telling his fiancée to not go somewhere on her hen night.

[midgeymum2]

Do you know what happened - where did they go? What did they do? I would need full disclosure to be able to decide what to do next.

[midgeymum2]

Sorry for double post

[Olympicpark]

I think he has disclosed it all and I really appreciate all your opinions, I agree that I need to find a way to draw a line and I will try to do so.

Thanks, he's just coming up so I need to stop!

[Procrastinatingpeacock]

I sympathise OP, my DH assures me he didn't go to a strip club on his stag do. He is a good honest guy who I trust implicitly and if I were to find out that he had in fact been to one - and, more importantly, lied to me about it for the last six years - I would be devastated.

I wouldn't leave him over it, but I think it would affect our relationship in the short term. In the long term I think it would just end up being one of those disappointments that I would look back on with an element of regret and sadness, but wouldn't actually affect my/ our lives day-to-day.

[Olympicpark]

I will post again tomorrow. Thanks again, lots to think about.

[midgeymum2]

If you know it all, you've ripped the plaster off. Now you need to give it some air and let it heal, and don't pick the scab

Apologies for crappy metaphor