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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Meeting his ex wife and family!

18 replies

OiledBegg · 04/08/2015 17:53

My partner has a teenage daughter with his ex wife.
Soon there's a family gathering and I will be meeting the ex wife and all her family. I won't know anyone except my partner and their daughter.
I am bricking it, I'm not confident at the best of times and the thought of meeting the ex and all her side of family in an unusual social situation scares the crap out of me. I don't like the thought of them looking at me and judging, or there being any awkwardness.
(By the way I certainly was NOT the OW! they were well and truly divorced before we even met.)
Help! I am certain I will make a tit out of myself...

OP posts:

Report

Bubblesinthesummer · 04/08/2015 17:58

I'm sure you will be fine. Just be yourself and practice your confidence

You may actually find that you like them and get on.

My brother and my DSIL actually invited his ex MIL and FIL to their wedding as they still got on although we thought it strange at first they are really nice

OiledBegg · 04/08/2015 19:47

Thanks bubbles. They all sound lovely so no doubt I will like them. Just a bit daunting. Eeek

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Joysmum · 04/08/2015 21:08

Have you shared your worries with him? He needs to know that his duty is also to ensure you are as comfortable as you can be in this stressful situation.

Morganly · 04/08/2015 21:08

I completely understand why you find it daunting. No doubt, they will be checking you out though hopefully they'll be subtle and kind about it. This will be a good test of how supportive your partner is of you: showing that he understands how you must be feeling and making sure that you are included in conversations etc. If you are struggling, just keep smiling and don't worry too much about sparkling conversation etc. I always prefer people who aren't too pushy or domineering on first meeting anyway and enjoy seeing their real personalities emerge on longer acquaintance. Also, don't drink too much!

amarmai · 04/08/2015 21:19

why do you feel you have to go and meet them? It wasn't your idea , so why not decline the invitation.

springydaffs · 04/08/2015 21:28

Can you not meet a few of them first so you know more than just dh and his daughter?

I think he's being a bit insensitive to throw you in the ocean like that - does he get it is a bit daunting??

DON'T DRINK BEFORE YOU GO (SORRY TO SHOUT)

hesterton · 04/08/2015 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vatersay · 04/08/2015 21:57

Take ai y hostess gift (if it's in someone's home). Big smiles and impeccable manners to ^everyone*.

Compliment ex-wife on what a lovely girl DSD is.

don't follow my friend's example of getting extremely drunk and singing

elliebellys · 04/08/2015 22:59

Its prob not easy for exw either,shes probably nervous aswell.just be yourselfs.

OiledBegg · 04/08/2015 23:20

I have thought about declining the invitation, several times!!! But the gathering is the celebrate something their DD has recently achieved so won't it look mega rude if I decline and DP goes by himself?

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OiledBegg · 04/08/2015 23:23

Also it wasn't DP that invited me, it was his DD. She said "mum's organising a get-together at ours to celebrate my achievement and says you are both welcome to come too"

OP posts:

LilyMayViolet · 05/08/2015 00:08

Well they sound really nice. I bet you'll be absolutely fine.

amarmai · 05/08/2015 01:39

you can have a celebration at yours for your dd and explain to her that you will feel very awkward going to the other family's gathering. It's not rude when you give your reasons. Plus how many times do people say that 'both are welcome ' thing while not expecting you to take it literally?

Crosbybeach · 05/08/2015 05:33

Go, really, go. They've invited you as part of their dad's life, and that's lovely. If you stay with him it will be so much easier if you get on with ex and her family, weddings, christenings, graduations etc will all come up and it's better if you are there too.

They won't be judging you, just interested, go and be interested in them, and don't make it all about you (though you probably wouldn't..)

It'll get easier every time you do it. DH's ex and I are frequently at same things, Christmas, Sunday lunch at in laws etc. I was so worried first time but it's now just normal.

OiledBegg · 05/08/2015 11:03

Okay, I think I will accept the invite.
Eeeek

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Viewofhedges · 05/08/2015 11:26

Oh you must go. It's so lovely that his daughter has invited you, and to not go / do something separate sets a precedent that family things moving forwards will be political and separate. And that's miserable.

Thank her for inviting you and tell her that it meant a lot to you to be included, and congratulate her on her achievement.

You will be totally bricking it I'm sure but if you can do that you'll be proud of yourself I'm sure. If you are feeling brave, go and talk to her mum and say you're nervous but you thought that they were both very generous to invite you. And how brilliant the achievement is etc.

A few years ago I had to negotiate getting my parents to meet each other for the first time in 17 years (of total no contact) because I was getting married and I wanted to invite them both. Mum was so scared she was shaking (emotions only I hasten to add!) and Dad was very quiet, but they did it and they met each other's new partners. They all chose to attend our wedding and my mum and dad even danced together. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that all of them were being kind to each other, and that now I can mention them all to each other without politics. They recently all met up at my Nan's 100th birthday, and occasionally chat. It's such a relief that I don't have to tiptoe round them all and for every family event to feel like some kind of Cold War thing.

As the child in that situation (albeit a grownup one) I am so grateful that now they talk and can have a chat with each other's other halves. Going to this event and being kind to the ex and her daughter, being nice, being a non-threat, a non-political event - you will be doing such a kindness to your partner's daughter.

For this reason alone, go. Tell your DH to keep you company, and if you can't stay for long, that's fine. But going, and being nice is a lovely gift you can give to someone who has had to deal with a parental separation. Swallow your nerves for the sake of a teenager who deserves to have a good day and to have those who love her around her.

Good luck!

OiledBegg · 05/08/2015 15:36

Thank you view what a lovely reply, it's really inspired me to go along and have the right attitude

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Viewofhedges · 05/08/2015 16:11

I'm really glad. Best of luck. x

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