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He called me the c word

(49 Posts)
mum19821985 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:08:45

My husband called me the C word!

Just posting on here as I really need some advice. Two weeks ago my oh and I had an argument about my mil and her taking our little one for longer than she's supposed to. Mil doesn't want to give our DS back it seems. When she is supposed to have him overnight, one night turns into 2 or 3 nights. She always says she's out of signal, can't answer her phone or that DS has fallen asleep so she'd better have him another night. What's supposed to be one night turns into 3 nights! I work during the day so want to see him when I get home. Oh and I fell out over this, I got mad and made him go and get DS. He then turned up with mil in tow, she stopped the night. Oh came upstairs and said DS will sleep on the couch with mil. This is when I lost it, yelled at him, I had bad pmt at this point, he responded by saying very quietly " you c@nt". I responded by calling a lot of names and I'm ashamed to say swearing a lot. He appologised straight away and has been nothing but apologetic ever since. I am finding it very hard to forget what he called me and I'm not sure where we go from here. We are going to Relate soon.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Tue 04-Aug-15 15:27:16

Yelled at him saying what exactly?

Jan45 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:29:25

You were just as bad no?

19lottie82 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:30:18

you both sound as bad as each other tbh, you said you yelled and swore... just because he used a certain word, doesn't make him worse than you!

pocketsaviour Tue 04-Aug-15 15:35:08

The swearing sounds like six of one, half a dozen of t'other, but you certainly have big problems with your MiL, she sounds scarily obsessed with your DS.

What has prompted the Relate counselling, can I ask?

mum19821985 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:35:40

I asked him where (the hell) my DS was and that I couldn't believe he said it was ok to let DS sleep on the couch instead of bringing him to bed, that I hadn't seen DS for 3 days and that I wanted him in our bed. We co-sleep.

mojo17 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:36:20

Calling you a c@@ is a huge deal.
The other huge deal is of course why are you letting your mil dictate how long she keeps your dc?
Is your dh the problem here, can he not be on your side and. Or his mothers.
You really need to sit him down and tell him you are the parents, you get to decide what and where your dc do and go and not his mother, and the sooner he gets that the better

LineRunner Tue 04-Aug-15 15:36:39

The whole thing sounds extremely odd.

mum19821985 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:37:28

Thanks all, I swore back at him and also called him derogatory names. It's good to have some perspective. The only time we argue is over mil

mum19821985 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:41:09

I was so upset when he called me that word. I find it so hard to forget it. My immediate reaction was to call him names in return. He's been very apologetic since but I can't allow myself to forgive him

mum19821985 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:42:19

Yes my mil is obsessed with DS. People have commented that she thinks that he is her son

BitOutOfPractice Tue 04-Aug-15 15:43:22

Has he allowed himself to forgive you?

BitOutOfPractice Tue 04-Aug-15 15:43:42

AS an aside, your MiL sounds like a nightmare, I agree with that bit!

mum19821985 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:44:54

Oh yes she is that!! Lol.

AuntyMag10 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:45:03

I can understand why you were so upset. It's really concerning how your mil behaves with your ds and your dp not doing anything about that. If you usually co-sleep your dh should not have left him with your mil downstairs.

TinyDancer69 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:45:09

Not much by way of advice but him using that word is for me a deal breaker. Honestly I think that's intolerable. Yes you shouted and swore but presumably you'd reached the end if your tether with your ridiculously obsessed MIL and were venting. Counselling sounds like a necessity here. The use of the C word I think betrays a certain contempt on your OH's side. Good luck - I hope you can move on, get your MIL firmly in her place with boundaries.

achieve6 Tue 04-Aug-15 15:50:20

it sounds as if you are equal on the bad behaviour front.

but I have a real thing about the c word. It took me a while to learn that others just don't. I understand that you are upset but he may see it as no different than any other swear word you might direct at him - and from your post, it sounds as if you do?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 04-Aug-15 15:55:24

How old is your ds? Surely any issues around the length of time he stays with his dgm can easily be resolved by you or your oh simply turning up and collecting him at whatever time has been stipulated when you drop him off?

Regardless of whether or not they have 'bad pmt', if someone lost it and yelled at me the 'c' word may come to mind although I most probably wouldn't say it. On this occasion your oh verbalised his thoughts and it's perhaps a tribute to his powers of restraint that he said it quietly and didn't engage in an all-out slanging match, although that may have been because his dm was downstarirs.

It's also in his favour that he apologised immediately and 'has been nothing but apologetic ever since'. Have you been equally apologetic for the names you called him and for losing the plot over such a trivial issue when all you had to do was go downstairs and make it clear to your mil that the dc would be sleeping in his own room?

If you've got a history of gettting 'mad' and making your oh do your bidding, I suggest you make an appointment with your GP to sort out your pmt issues.

It's to be hoped that Relate will enable to you resolve whatever differences exist in your relationship, but it's unlikely that couples counselling will work if you can't control your temper.

Fwiw, this board has a plethora of posts from those who wish they had dgps who are willing to babysit for a few hours, let alone overnight, and it seems to me that you should look to get onside with your mil and see her desire to spend the maximum time possible with her dgs while he's young enough to want to be with her as a blessing rather than a curse.

Rosieliveson Tue 04-Aug-15 16:02:21

I agree his choice of language was questionable but given that you were both fighting and name calling, I wouldn't get too hung up on that word in particular.

I think you need a calm conversation about the childcare arrangements for you son. I then think you need to talk to your MIL and explain that things are not going to continue the way they are. If the agreement is an hour, a day or a week, that is how it is and that is when DS should be home. You will drop and collect if necessary. It's not right that you are left missing him while he spends time that was not agreed or planned elsewhere. Besides, if you never know when you'll have him, you can't plan anything with other family or friends.

As an aside, is your MIL lonely? Are there other things you and DH could plan or suggest that could help her out if she is alone a lot?

winkywinkola Tue 04-Aug-15 16:10:05

Your ds should sleep in the couch with your mil? Whatever for?

Why does she think she's in charge dictating to you two how long YOUR son is to stay with her and where he sleeps? Is she the boss of you then?

And I personally wouldn't allow the sleepovers to be longer than one night. I would go and collect ds regardless. If she pretends not to be home then next time she's not allowed to have him to stay.

Why is your dhsuch a mummy's boy?

badtime Tue 04-Aug-15 16:18:51

Your problem with your husband is in the fact that he seems to think his mother's wishes override yours, not in his choice of vocabulary.

You may think that 'the C-word' has some special status, but your husband may just think 'cunt' is a word like any other.

mojo17 Tue 04-Aug-15 16:19:13

I think a break from sleepovers at mils in in order now until you know that your dh is on board with supporting you, then you present a united front to his mother. It may take a week or a month or longer, it's down to your dh and his attitude.
For what it's worth I would have shouted at him after he called me that.

RealityCheque Tue 04-Aug-15 16:24:13

Mil is a huge issue.

Using a particular word during an argument after you have 'lost it' is not. A word is a word. A collection of letters. The only thing that makes cunt 'worse' is your perception.

He's apologised. Apologise to him and move on.

And as for "co-sleeping" hmm

Joysmum Tue 04-Aug-15 16:24:43

You're as bad as each other. I don't think the work cunt is as bad as some people do so that wouldn't bother me as much as a personal attack on my personality would.

Skiptonlass Tue 04-Aug-15 16:28:41

No more sleepovers until she plays by the rules. You need to put some boundaries down, sharpish.

You and your dh will need to be a united front on this - if you're arguing with each other you'll be easy prey for crazy mil.

Not acceptable to call you a cunt, imho.

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