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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Relationships

Little white lies. Let it go or challenge?

27 replies

MarthaMonkeynuts · 04/08/2015 14:43

Just scoping opinions. If you catch your DH out with deliberate 'white lies' what would you do? Relatively unimportant topic (expiry date of food given to DC) but not the first time he's lied. Not sure whether to challenge every time or let it drop.

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NaiceHamSandwich · 04/08/2015 14:47

White lies tend to make me more annoyed than big lies, they're just so pointless yet also deliberate. I challenge them personally, if you believe or accept enough small lies one day you'll fall for a whopper.

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19lottie82 · 04/08/2015 14:50

It depends. The definition of a white lie is a small lie that is told to stop someone being upset by the truth.

So yes, the expiry date thing could be a white lie. if you are usually very anal about not giving your kids anything that is out of date, and he gave them a yoghurt that was 1 day past expiry, but told a white lie to avoid any fuss, then I understand that....

BUT we need examples of other "white lies" and their context, before we can judge.

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MarthaMonkeynuts · 04/08/2015 15:06

The food has been lingering at the back of the fridge and is poss 3 weeks past it's best. It's soft cheese. Conversation went like this "what soft cheese did you use on X's sandwich? Not the stuff from the back of the fridge??" Him "Noooo" me "but I forgot to get some this week" him"I found some that hadn't been opened" me "oh that's good" him"I used it then threw the rest away" "why did you throw it away if it was a new one?" "Because it expired beginning of next week" me >>> eh? Doesn't ring true, checked packaging in bin and exp date was October 15. So he has used one from the back of the fridge, and deliberately spun me a line.

Not the end of the world, which does grate even more, it was so casual. I wouldn't have rushed up to A and E or anything with DC but would have rolled my eyes and "FFS'd" a bit at DH.

He has lied hugely before about a debt. And many smaller lies about finances/spending. And silly ones like "have you rung your mum and asked her about such and such" him "yes, last week" but he doesn't learn that she and I talk.

Thought that was in the past though.

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Fibbertigibbet · 04/08/2015 15:30

...why didn't you throw away cheese that you know is 3 weeks past its best, instead leaving it in the fridge?

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MarthaMonkeynuts · 04/08/2015 16:20

Because I'm a slattern...

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Ouchbloodyouch · 04/08/2015 16:34

Its ok martha my children always ask what the date is when they are rooting in the fridge

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LilyMayViolet · 04/08/2015 16:37

Wouldn't really bother me if our discussion turned into a sort of "come on, you did use that cheese didn't you?" Followed by a sheepish grin and then we both laugh! That sort of thing doesn't bother me, neither does DP pretending new bags she just bought have been in her possession for months! I guess it's sort of like an in joke! Anything more serious or a complete inability to admit it would bother me.

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cozietoesie · 04/08/2015 17:12

I'm content enough with white lies which are the sort of fibs associated with birthday or Xmas presents etc. I think you're talking about 'lying because it's plain 'easier' than telling the truth' - it 'shuts the other person up' - and that I won't tolerate because not only do you end up not knowing when anything is the truth or not (until you find out the facts of the case) but it also, to my mind, shows an underlying lack of respect for the person you're lying to.

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butterflygirl15 · 04/08/2015 17:14

I am afraid I couldn't let it go. A liar is a liar as far as I am concerned. If he can lie so casually about this then what else has he not been honest about?

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HelsBels3000 · 04/08/2015 17:21

if the expiry date is October 2015 then why was it out of date?

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MarthaMonkeynuts · 04/08/2015 17:30

Once it's opened it needs to be used within 3 days Hels

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ThoseAwfulCurtains · 04/08/2015 17:37

Cheese lie aside, those others are more concerning. He's comfortable about lies, even quite big lies (finances). I'd be wondering what he'd lied about that you've not found out about. That makes trust very difficult and trust is supposed to be vital in a relationship, isn't it?

Do you trust him OP? Completely? About everything?

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gatewalker · 04/08/2015 17:56

There are no such things as "white lies". There are lies.

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RealityCheque · 04/08/2015 18:19

Am I the only one confused? The one at the back of the fridge was three weeks past its best but the one he used was Oct 15. So he didn't lie?

I also don't understand why it was thrown out. Regardless of the eat within three days.

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Afterthestorm · 04/08/2015 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityCheque · 04/08/2015 19:13

That makes sense, afterthestorm.

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goddessofsmallthings · 04/08/2015 19:36

I'm guessing the year stated on the date of expiry was 2014.

If so fellow slattern here because rooting around in my stuffed to the gills fridge often fetches up items that are "so last year darling" or the year before.

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MarthaMonkeynuts · 04/08/2015 19:43

Sorry, yes, it has been open > 3 weeks (been on hols). he claimed he threw it away because the expiry date on the box was early next week. Which doesn't make sense anyway. It was October 15.

Like I say, stupid issue to be getting frustrated about. But it's not this little issue its the casual lying really and how to respond I am trying to work out.

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cozietoesie · 04/08/2015 19:57

How are you responding at the moment? Do you challenge him at all on the lies?

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MarthaMonkeynuts · 04/08/2015 20:18

No not all, so as I pondered today if I should just leave it as it's not a big deal, another part of me rose up in anger at the being lied to (rather than the lie itself IYKWIM) again

I asked him earlier if he had been honest with me about the cheese, he said "yes, I peeled the foil back on it!" (Ie it's not a previously opened pack) I said but it doesn't make sense why you threw it away, and I checked the expiry, it doesn't expire until October. He went very red, mumbled something like "what numbers did I read then" and changed the subject. He's behaving like he's lying, he's not very good at it (unless it's lying by omission) which is, I think, why I went through the bin.

Now there is a mixture of smoked salmon in soft cheese in the fridge which should do sandwiches for tomorrow for DC which I will bin, because I don't believe him. He will look at me with puppy dog eyes and humour my 'madness' I expect.

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MarthaMonkeynuts · 04/08/2015 20:19

thoseawful no I don't trust him to be honest with me about little or big things.

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ThoseAwfulCurtains · 04/08/2015 21:58

That would be a deal breaker for a lot of people. Have you asked him why he tells lies.

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TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 05/08/2015 07:25

I would not be able to handle it longterm I think I would call him on it every single time even if in a low key way and give it time to see if he would quit this behaviour completely (hard to know if you would know though) or escalate it but to maintain your own integrity I think you have to mention it every single time so he understands what sort of person you would like to be married to and can attempt to achieve that if he wishes. If you let it slide it will eat you alive and if it escalates as you have partially condoned it.
It's a bummer of a situation to be in OP.

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ellabella34 · 05/08/2015 07:52

I think you need to challenge it and point out that you will be less mad if he's honest but you don't like what he's saying than if you catch him lying. If you don't challenge him you will possibly end up doubting everything he says.

I'm about to finish with my BF because I don't trust him. it started with me catching him telling the odd lie, usually to make life easier for himself, and has reached the point where I now immediately disbelieve a lot of things he says. e.g. A couple of weeks ago he told me something that didn't fit with something a friend had told me. My first thought was 'oh Bf's lying again' but when I probed it turned out I had misunderstood DP.

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Cabrinha · 05/08/2015 08:08

I think you might have posted a bad example.
Tbh, with the eye rolling FFS that you mention you would have done, I'm a little 'on his side'.
I'd be all "FFS back, you don't trust me to not use a cheese that is mouldy and smelly? Why are you even asking me about the soft cheese?"

Also, when I hated my XH, I was looking for anything to put him down over. I'm not proud of that. He was cheating on me and I hadn't reached the place where I could break up my child's family yet. So any stupid thing he did was fair game for me to be patronising or scathing. "you didn't use that did you?" was all part of that - unspoken "you fucking useless idiot".

As I say, I'm not proud of that! But honestly, your post made me think of my behaviour.

I think the more important thing is the financial lies, and the frequency, and that is what I would focus on.