Am I being fair?

[everonwardsagain]

Hi, I hope some of you wise ladies can help. After years of being in an unhappy marriage (both of us unhappy), I finally took the decision to end our marriage. We had split before but this time permanent as I couldn't put myself through it any longer or confuse our children. I desperately tried to hold our marriage together for years as I didn't want our children to grow up in a separated relationship - rightly or wrongly. My H has suffered from depression, anxiety, very low self-esteem and has behaved badly towards me for a long time. I tried so hard to support him, get him help but by and large he refused. Lots of passive aggressiveness to me, anger towards our children. I make no apologies for ending our marriage, it took a huge amount of guts, we got into debt, I am struggling to make ends meet but I knew our lives just couldn't carry on in such a dysfunctional manner. I might sound harsh but I'm not, I won't go into loads of detail but hand on heart I know I tried to support him.

I just need some perspective now on whether I am being unfair. RL friends tell me I am being way too nice. DH attempted suicide, general feeling is it was genuine, a few months ago and a week after he moved out. Since then, I have been his emotional support constantly, all day long it feels like. I am trying to keep life normal for our children, hold down my job (which carries a lot of responsibility) as I need to keep a roof over their heads, deal with my own emotions, grieving for the end of our marriage, but he phones and texts constantly every day off loading about how awful life is for him. I have asked him to stop but he takes no notice. I feel like I am going to combust!! I cannot take much more! But I have to stay strong as I am the one keeping life 'normal' or whatever that is for our children. Help!!! I have tried all the helplines for people supporting others with MH issues, but to be honest they are no help. And to be further honest, I'm not sure how much now is MH issues and how much is manipulating behaviour as I am finally taking control of my own life.

I used to be scared of what he would try if I didn't constantly be at the end of the phone but now I think he is just using that to make me constantly communicate with him. But is that also unfair of me? I am very conscious that I don't belittle the depth of MH issues and how they can make people act, I'm just saying I'm not sure for him anymore which is MH, which is controlling and which is just unravelling as his life isn't going the way he wants .

My previous threads are around which explains in a bit more detail.

I hope that makes sense? Thanks all x

[Jan45]

You are an amazing woman in my book, my god woman, give yourself a break from him!

It will be half mental and half to control you and make you communicate, you must cut this contact or at least limit it completely, otherwise he will continue to control the situation, has he not done enough of that already to your life, break free, he's an adult and is using you.

[pocketsaviour]

This was posted on my facebook feed today, have a look:
4 Ways to Find Out If Your Partner Is Using Their Depression as an Excuse for Controlling Behavior

Short version from my point of view: you're not his counsellor, you're not his GP, you're not his mum, and you're not his wife any more. You don't have to reply to his texts or support him. There are services out there to support him if he engages with them. I would send him one text saying "You need to stop offloading your problems on me. I am not a mental health professional. See your GP. I will only respond to texts regarding the DC from now on."

[FundamentalistQuaker]

Don't let him or anyone else get you thinking that it is your responsibility to keep him alive and on an even keel. Only he can do that. In the meantime, the effort you put into trying to hold him up has you slowly sinking. Disengage. pocketsaviour's draft text is good.

[ImperialBlether]

If there is any way you can afford a short holiday for yourself and the children this summer, you should grab the chance. Leave your phone at home. He'll have to find someone else to talk to sometime; the sooner he does it the better.

I think you have to have a reason why the conversation can't go on each time he calls and you shouldn't feel you have to answer every call, either. If he phones, ignore the call then text back saying, "Sorry, I'm in the bath, can't talk" and just ignore all future calls for the night.

[Cocalite]

It's very hard. It I agree for your sanity you need to be firm.

[everonwardsagain]

Thank you all so much. It constantly amazes me how much he still makes me doubt my own opinion. Once upon a time I considered myself strong and fairly confident - I will get that back! Really good advice and I am heeding it all, thank you. The linked thread was very interesting and I've also started reading the links on the 'support for those in EA relationships', quite chilling how it can describe my life. Without the suicide threat, I think I could have handled this differently but he has had me right where he wants me with the threat always looming in the background, but I have to start moving beyond that as the whole point of all of this was to get some control back and eventually happiness, and at the minute he is still stopping me from either. Plus trying constantly to make sure he has a good and regular relationship with the children. I'm not belittling his MH issues but he's seeing a counsellor and on medication and I can't keep being his mother. Plus, on some days he himself says he's not depressed, he just absolutely cannot cope without me. Argh!! Thanks again.