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No intimacy in relationship

(11 Posts)
haplessfather Tue 04-Aug-15 13:23:54

A hapless father here so sorry for using a mums forum but hopefully I will be able to get some advice from a woman's perspective.

I have been happily married for almost 3 years now and we have been together for 6 years in total now. Sex has always been something that we have both enjoyed and although I wouldn't say we did it a lot I would say before our daughter came along we were probably at it once or twice a week on average. This continued into our marriage, probably more so as we were actively trying for our daughter but since she was born 14 months ago I can count the times we've had sex (or any intimacy for that matter) on one hand. I think it's been 4 or 5 times and on each of those occasions it's been a rushed missionary job with no foreplay and straight to sleep afterwards.

It's been 8 months now since we last had any intimacy and it's killing me. I love her so much and I'm not a shallow person but some level of intimacy with the women I love and have promised to stay with for the rest of my life is important to me and it's really starting to get me down to the point that I am feeling depressed about it.

I understand that it takes some time to get the spark back after having a baby but I can't help but think it's more than that. Whenever I ask her about it she won't talk to me and if I try and cuddle her or kiss her I feel rejected.

I don't want to pressure her or get into an argument as that just makes me look shallow but it's got to the point now where it is making me feel like maybe it's me that she doesn't want to be with or maybe she doesn't fancy me anymore.

I don't know what to do so any womanly advice would be appreciated. I'd ask my work pals but they'd just take the mick.

MatildaTheCat Tue 04-Aug-15 13:36:15

Tiredness and breastfeeding (if applicable) are the world's biggest passion killers. Have you actually asked her? Away from the bedroom preferably. Can you instigate intimacy via cuddles, kisses or handholding in a non sex environment? Why were the sessions that did occur so rushed and soulless?

If it was good before then unless there is much more going on it should be very achievable to resume that level of sex IMO.

You need to talk. smile

MatildaTheCat Tue 04-Aug-15 13:37:42

Sorry, just saw you have tried to talk. She actually really does owe it to you to be honest with you. And she should see her GP, there are medical causes for loss of libido.

nequidnimis Tue 04-Aug-15 14:30:51

You may already be doing this, but please do make sure you are showing her affection - cuddles, kisses, handholding, stroking her back and so on - at times when it is obviously not just a prelude to sex. I get really irritated if I think DH is only doing those things because he's hoping it will lead to sex.

I've also read lots of posts on here from women saying that they don't feel appreciated or respected, and don't want sex as a result. So be really honest about how much you are pulling your weight and helping with the baby.

And she may not feel particularly attractive if shattered and breastfeeding, so it's your job to reassure her that she's still beautiful (and not just when you're angling for sex).

pocketsaviour Tue 04-Aug-15 18:14:58

You may already be doing this, but please do make sure you are showing her affection - cuddles, kisses, handholding, stroking her back and so on - at times when it is obviously not just a prelude to sex. I get really irritated if I think DH is only doing those things because he's hoping it will lead to sex.

^^ This x100.

But she should also see her GP to rule out a physical cause. For example if she has gone back on hormonal contraception, that can cause libido to drop.

notrocketscience Tue 04-Aug-15 22:54:54

I know I didn't feel great about my body and the after effects of giving birth and that's without mentioning the emotional and physical demands of a little one. Much more self conscious in the bedroom. The thought of him touching my wobbly bits!
Have you tried the old chestnut of "dating nights"? Perhaps a GP can babysit and the two of you just go for a meal or something fun? Try indoor sky-diving as a one off break the ice adventure and try to reconnect without her feeling you are just after sex. It's is tough one and I hope things sort themselves out for you both.

spudlike1 Tue 04-Aug-15 23:44:01

Are you sharing the housework and domestic chores equally (or an agreed ratio) resentment can build on this one

MillieGreenEyes Tue 04-Aug-15 23:58:03

every time a man posts about this problem he gets the housework question... the other way round though never

spudlike1 Wed 05-Aug-15 12:10:31

Ok the term house work is perhaps too emotive ...what about calling it division of labour .

spudlike1 Wed 05-Aug-15 20:23:20

Cups of T in bed in the morning
Putting the bins out
Non- sexy hugs

Talking and listening VERY important.
You must talk to her about this

Zillie77 Wed 05-Aug-15 21:52:33

Does she really decline to talk about it entirely? That must be difficult.

It sounds as if she had a bit of a low sex drive prior to having a child, is that so? Because once or twice a week that early in your marriage sounds a bit low to me (no judgement intended at all, just an observation.) That is bound to complicate things for you, I think.

I don't know how to fix it, except for by kindly telling her how important physical closeness is to you, while also finding out what is important to her that she may feel is lacking between you two at this time (if anything) and seeing if you can both work on these things together.

There is a difference between pressuring her and having an adult conversation with her about it. I know that you don't want to pressure her, but talking about a topic is not the same as applying pressure, and if she suggests that just by talking about it you are pressuring her, there are deeper issues there, I think, that she may need to explore on her own if she wants your marriage to stay intact. If you can't talk about sex with the person with whom you are having sex, then something is very off.

I would wonder a little bit if she has an history of childhood sexual abuse? I only ask because sometimes having a baby can trigger some old painful memories/spark fears.

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