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How do I get past this?

(10 Posts)
Sularoo Tue 04-Aug-15 11:13:19

I've been in an unhealthy relationship/marriage now for years. Not all bad, it's either very good or pretty bad. I'm such a weak person I put up with his crap because I'm just so scared of being on my own (and now with a toddler). I hate myself for having no self respect and letting him do this to me. Even now, I don't want to separate I just want to be happy with him and our family.

We separated a few months ago and in that time we have attended a couple of counselling sessions and have been spending a few nights a week together, still having sex etc. I look back now and know he's just using me. Just Last week he sat in the counselling session and said I was paranoid for questioning his faithfulness. Last night I found he was texting a girl whilst sat in our house with our child, me sitting metres away from him.

I know I need to end this now but whenever I think about him with anyone else I feel so sick. He's manipulative and emotionally abusive, it's highly unlikely that he could ever truly make me happy again so why can't I just tell him to leave me alone? I really bloody hate myself sometimes. I have no family really and I feel like I cling on to him for some kind of love. It's like I need him to want me, just for someone to.

Jan45 Tue 04-Aug-15 11:16:47

You know he's not for you, every day you waste with him stops you meeting someone who could make you happy.

You don't need him to validate your existence, you can cope without him, even with a baby, women are doing it every day, constantly.

The power is literally in your own hands, nobody can tell you what to do.

I'd recommend you make plans to split from him otherwise you will end up with zero self esteem.

pocketsaviour Tue 04-Aug-15 11:18:44

It sounds like you know what you need to - but are not sure you have the strength to do it?

The counselling you've been having - do you get on with the counsellor, or do you think he's managed to fool him/her? If you feel they are trustworthy, could you do a couple of solo sessions to help you talk things through about being on your own?

Sularoo Tue 04-Aug-15 11:30:13

The counselling we had last week was awful. It was a new counsellor and she just led the session in a negative direction. Ignored anything positive he said and asked a negative question. We both came out of it feeling drained. He said this is part of why he's now been texting this person (I know how manipulative even that sounds). The first sessions we had with a different person were really quite rewarding and yes we went over our issues but it was more productive, the last one was just like a bitching session.
I just feel like I can't do this alone. I have zero self esteem already. I would hate talking to a counsellor about this as I cringe even typing it here, I know how ridiculous it sounds to be such a weak pushover.

I feel so sad that my life has gone down this path.

glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 11:40:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Psycobabble Tue 04-Aug-15 11:48:53

Ahh bless you. Well it's easy to give advice and I know not so easy to take it

I have been there !! And it felt so hard to even imagine splitting up. Young dc mortgage plus the fact just generally its hard to imagine making such a big step . I tried and tried and tried and in the end I just though you know what ? it's a cliche, but life really is to short !!! I wanted to enjoy my life and be happy on a day to day basis
And so I ended it ! because of that my life has moved on in so many positive ways I can't ever imagine why I stayed so long !

And that's what I held onto when I was thinking of ending it with him I KNEW I'd be ok at some point!! As we get older and more experienced we know that at the time falling out of love hurts like hell but we move on. it happens all the time . And you will be ok !!! It may take a while but I promise it is worth a bit of a shit time to end up HAPPY !!!
The alternative is to stay miserable and as I said above - life is to short !!

Good luck flowers

Sularoo Tue 04-Aug-15 11:57:37

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate this.

I need to cut back from him. He texts me all the time, still wants to go on 'family' days out. When I'm alone I am stronger but as soon as I see him I go back to this needy idiot that cries when he leaves etc, it's the rejection I think.

butterflygirl15 Tue 04-Aug-15 12:06:11

Joint counselling when one is abusive is never recommended

Could you contact WA for support? You deserve way more than he will ever give you. Try the Freedom Programme too. But yep, stop sleeping with him, stop him coming into your home and get some decent boundaries in place. And call on people in RL for support.

I agree that you don't need someone to validate you, and I know that you can be happy without him, even though you don't think that you can be.

butterflygirl15 Tue 04-Aug-15 12:06:49

And he can forget family days out too! He needs to stop texting you.

glasshouses88 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:18:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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