Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I just need to say this out loud...

(18 Posts)
admittingdefeat Tue 04-Aug-15 10:39:25

"D"H is an alcoholic.
He has issues I cannot fix.

I should not have let him move back in 3 weeks ago, pregnant or not.

I should not keep doing this to myself.

I should not keep taking pity on him; after all he gives zero fucks about how his behaviour is destroying me.

I should not have cared that he was booted out of his house share after a mere 6 weeks because he wasn't paying rent? despite working full time ffs

He will never put our baby, me, our marriage, his own DS, my DDs, or anything else in front of his need to drink.

He will never stop lying to me.

I don't trust him.

He will never grow up and pay rent,, or put money to the side to pick his son up - he will always spend "his" money on beer and expect me to foot the bill for everything else, and I will be all the cunts under the sun when the small amount of tax credits we get won't cover even half of that.

Tomorrow I am 12 weeks pregnant, and I am a single parent with 2 DDs.

I have no felt so fucking stupid in my whole life.

wilkos Tue 04-Aug-15 10:43:37

I don't often post anymore but felt I had to respond.

This guy as you know is an arse.

You will be ok and definitely better off as a single parent. I promise you.

I did the same with my ex h, until the final straw. And I can honestly say on my own with my DC I have never been happier in my life.

Detach detach detach and best of luck in your new free life.

Purpleball Tue 04-Aug-15 10:47:46

Couldn't read and run.

You gave him another chance and he blew it. You're a good person for doing that. It's more than he deserved.

No more chances now. You know he doesn't deserve you and he will piss anything you give him up the wall.

Detach and focus on making a life for you and your children

redshoeblueshoe Tue 04-Aug-15 10:58:03

You are not stupid.

He is a selfish cunting bastard ill.

He took advantage of your love.

Be strong and protect your children. Look after yourself. I hope you have support, it may come from very unexpected sources flowers

Goodbetterbest Tue 04-Aug-15 11:14:54

We can take a lot of abuse, we can give chances, we can try and try and try, shoulder all the responsibility and take all the blame.

Then there comes a point where we are strong enough to say 'no more'.

Sounds like that is where you are at.

Now move forward.

Life will seem less complicated. It will be hard, yes, being a lone parent is fucking hard isn't it? But one thing I know about women is we are strong, resilient and capable. We also stand next to each other and support.

In the 5 months since XH moved out I feel like I am breathing clean air for the first time.

Good luck.

Hassled Tue 04-Aug-15 11:18:30

You're not stupid at all - your post shows that you're smart enough to have completely seen him for what he is. And if you took him back 3 weeks ago that would have been because you were scared of a future alone; we've all been there. All you can do now is plan for a future without him.

pocketsaviour Tue 04-Aug-15 11:21:38

Echo other PPs that you're not stupid: it's not stupid to hope.

It sounds like the blinkers are well and truly off now.

What is the situation now - is he still living at yours? Can you give him notice to go?

admittingdefeat Tue 04-Aug-15 11:33:06

Your responses have bought me to tears, thankyou flowers For some reason I was expecting a flaming.

I've been a single parent before (exDP flounced off when DDs were 2YO and 6WO) I swore I would never have any more children as I didn't want to be in that position ever again. But here I am. I never learn.confused sad

My sisters are great, all a fair bit younger than me but will always pick up the phone or take DDs on the park for an hour. Dad and step Mum are far away but again, always pick the phone up.

H has a lot of issues (incl. Losing his infant son a few years before we met) and so I've had extra patience etc with him, but I have bipolar disorder and anxiety myself and its now at the point where he is making me feel worse and I'd rather be alone.

His family don't have a clue what he is like. I have several CCJs because he didn't pay bills and hid it, first I knew was when I picked up a letter from the PO. Threatened with eviction due to him. Fortunately I took my Great Grandmas advice and kept a stash of emergency money and I was able to clear the arrears but its wiped me out.

He's completely ignoring me so I'm expecting him to swan off to his sisters tonight and not come home.

SylvanianCaliphate Tue 04-Aug-15 11:35:11

It's not you.

You can do this.

Good luck lass flowers

DelphiniumBlue Tue 04-Aug-15 11:35:59

If you get him now, your children will thank you for it. Its not fair for them to have to live with an alcoholic, it will damage them if you stay.
It will be much easier for you to manage financially by yourself, you can budget according to your means, without having him drinking you dry.
You will be able to create a peaceful environment for yourself and your children.
It is scary to contemplate being alone when you are pregnant, but you are much more likely to get help from other people without him being there, and you can create your own security.
I'm speaking from experience, I remember my relief when my mum finally kicked my dad out. I loved him, and continued to see him regularly but it is just horrible for children to live with the unpredictability and selfishness of an alcoholic.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 04-Aug-15 11:41:10

You didn't CAUSE this
You can't CONTROL this
You can't CURE this

Your responsibility now is to your DC and you know he needs to be out of you life now.

You've tried and tried but it takes 2 to make a relationship work.
The only relationship he really wants is with alcohol and you cannot and should not compete with this.

mummytime Tue 04-Aug-15 12:00:54

If you need extra support then alanon can help - and you don't have to still be with him to contact them.
Kick him out if he doesn't go voluntarily, and start the divorce etc.


admittingdefeat Tue 04-Aug-15 12:36:48

I grew up with holes in my shoes and clothes that didn't fit because my mother married an alcoholic drug user and then became one herself. There's more to it but I've been NC with her for 12 years.

Over my dead body will my DDs live like that.

I allowed him to come back because I'm pregnant. But he's blown it after a mere 21 days.

He has GP support and support from fellow addicts in my Church group but it hasn't worked because he hasn't tried. I can't force him.

Being on benefits isn't ideal but at least my home will be secure and I'll have complete control of the income. I'm still studying with OU so it won't be for long, maybe a year or two before I have enough UCAS points to go to a brick Uni.

I gave away all of my baby gear so having to start from scratch is a tad daunting but then babies actually need very little really.

He will leave, he has no claim to the home as I refused to add him to the tenancy agreement. Friends SIL is a policewoman and has just confirmed the police will remove him and take his keys if necessary.

Cocalite Tue 04-Aug-15 13:26:53

It's not you. Be brave and do what you know in your heart is right.

Jan45 Tue 04-Aug-15 16:13:02

Please don't subject your 3 children to an alcoholic, he will bring nothing to the table apart from stress and upset.

admittingdefeat Wed 05-Aug-15 16:46:37

Had my 12 week scan today, sat there alone. It was a rather depressing experience, waiting alone. But the joy at the baby being well and good has overwhelmed that. Anxiety was high today due to MC last December.

Haven't heard from H. Thinking of texting him to leave my key at DSisters.

ExMIL is picking DDs up tomorrow for 4 days, so I'll have some real down time to think.

I don't know what to do next. I can't give him access to our baby. He can't be trusted and I'll be breastfeeding so baby won't be apart from me anyway.

redshoeblueshoe Wed 05-Aug-15 17:45:23

I'm glad your scan went well - it sounds a good idea to get him to leave his key there.
Don't worry about what will happen when baby is here just relax brewcake

Cocalite Wed 05-Aug-15 21:29:57

Thoughts are with you, good luck

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: