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Am I an arsehole for letting for of my dad?

(12 Posts)
NamasteGirl Mon 03-Aug-15 17:02:13

I posted about this before once or twice. Posting again because my worry and upset about this situ has got out of hand. Sometimes I wake up with so much tension in my body that I want to scream and punch things. I've chewed this all over in my head every day for well over a year. I'm exhausted and fuming. Please tell me, am I out of order for letting go of my dad?
Potted history:
- he wasn't in my life at all growing up. Got taken to court by DSS for not paying his child maintenance.
- wrote to my mum asking for permission to contact me at 16. I wrote back excitedly. My stepdad was an abusive fucker so I thought my real dad would save me.
- we wrote back and forth and then I met him at 21. Started going to his house and connecting. Felt really happy about it.
- it's at this point I should mention he is in a cult, heavily involved in it.
- he announced he was moving hundreds of miles away to be nearer the cult hq. I was devastated.
- got harder to see him because of the distance. One weekend me and dh went down and at the dinner table my dad and his wife got irate and started shouting at us across the table over our differing views on sick pay (and I'd been off work for six months with depression, paid, they thought that was disgusting and I should 'stand on my own two feet'). I ended up in tears at the dinner table and not keen to go back again.
- things went downhill from there, distance meant we couldn't see each other much and I was on my guard after the above incident, and several inconsiderate events, including him pushing me into meeting my entire paternal family at a family photo shoot (horrendous) and telling me he didn't like a photo I sent him.
- I felt a real distance between us and I was in a right mess, self harming and suicidal (over lots of things, not just him) and I took a step back. Eventually we had a massive row on email and he said some awful things that I've never been able to shake.
- I cut contact. Didn't speak for a couple of years. Ds was born and I decided to contact him, he started coming to see us a bit and emails would go back and forth in between. After a couple of years He v kindly offered to pay for some dental work for me, which I now feel guilty about accepting, as things have gone so lousy.
- he came to see us and was slagging my step brother off, calling him a 'nob' because my step bro no longer wanted to talk about 'spiritual' stuff with them (cult stuff) and my dad told me he kicked my step brother out at 20 even though he wasn't ready to live on his own as there was 'too much testosterone in the house'.
- in spring last year I sat down and wrote him a long email about news to do with us- Ds starting play school, holidays etc. a month later he had still not replied. I wrote to him saying i felt like he had pulled away again and it was really upsetting. I got a reply saying sorry and he was v busy with his new extension. Nothing til a few months later when I got an email saying 'hey what do you want for your birthday?' I didn't want anything. I was fed up.
- he suggested visiting but I felt so messed up about everything and so upset that I turned him down.
It's been eight months since we last spoke. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him.
I don't understand this fucking relationship. It's like I'm his acquaintance or mate, which Is shite because what I've always wanted and deserved is a dad.
Yet I feel like a heel for not making contact anymore. To my knowledge he hasn't tried to contact me (I set his emails to go to my trash, because each time one came it sent me into a panic. But I check my trash sometimes and there is nothing there). I feel so fucking angry and so messed up, I've cried more than I can count. Please help me figure this out. Sorry it was long.

NamasteGirl Mon 03-Aug-15 17:30:49

Bump

Newtobecomingamum Mon 03-Aug-15 17:39:04

I hope someone comes along with more helpful advice... But cut ties.. Anyone who behaves like that and makes you feel that awful is just not worth it. You are better than that and from what I've read all he brings to table is upset and pain. You don't deserve to be treated like that and you don't want your children to grow up around that. It sounds like he brings no benefit to your life and makes you miserable! Sounds like you have a DH and children and I would focus on my life being happy with them and cut all ties with this fker (sorry even if he is your dad!) x

Offred Mon 03-Aug-15 17:39:12

No, you aren't. He's the arsehole here and I think, difficult as it may be, you need to confront the fact that you aren't letting go of your dad, actually you just haven't ever had a dad.

Newtobecomingamum Mon 03-Aug-15 17:45:17

That's so true what Offred says above. As hard as it is and upsetting that you aren't going to have this dad figure in your life.... It's better to have a happy life without the misery he brings than have him in your life making you so unhappy.

FantasticButtocks Mon 03-Aug-15 17:46:41

First of all, no you're not an arsehole. Whatever you choose to do about your dad.

Unfortunately, we do not always get the parents we need, but we always seem to carry on needing them, we grieve for the parent we wish we had, the parent we deserve. If you need to let him go now, you are not an 'arsehole' for doing so. He has not loved and cherished you as needed, wanted and deserved. It is a very sad thing to accept that our parent is not the kind of parent we need them to be thanks

Joysmum Mon 03-Aug-15 18:14:38

I think you're desperate to have a dad you can live and who loves you.

Unfortunately your real dad isn't going to be that and it's going to be hard facing up to it.

pocketsaviour Mon 03-Aug-15 18:16:55

You are definitely not an arsehole, OP. This man sounds like a total waste of space. He's not a father at all.

Have you had counselling at all, OP? There are obviously some underlying feelings which are still making your life difficult - guilt, anxiety, grief for not having the parent you needed.

Binit Mon 03-Aug-15 18:26:53

The thing that you need to come to terms with is that you do not have a nice dad and you never will.

Even if you don't cut contact, you need to cut all emotions you have invested in this utter twat.

Only then can you start to heal IMO, when you can lay the facts out and begin to accept them.

ButEmilylovedhim Mon 03-Aug-15 18:27:54

Agree with all of the above. And please don't feel guilty about him paying for some dental work. That's a minute, vanishing fraction of what he should have done for you. You've given him every chance, you're beyond allowed to say no more and protect yourself from now on. flowers for you.

bettyberry Mon 03-Aug-15 19:08:07

I know this is probably cliched to say but you going and getting some decent professional help to untangle the issues you have around your bio dad, your step dad and your own desires for a dad and what he should be in your eyes, I really believe they are all tied together, you will really benefit from it. I suspect you are still furious with him for abandoning you and leaving you with a complete tosser ( I had a shit abusive step dad too) and probably just as furious he is behaving, to some extent, like the tosser of a step-dad you had.

If you do not want to physically see him, that's 100% ok. You do not have to see him. You do not owe him anything. He is offering nothing of benefit to you.
Its the same with email contact. its doing nothing but hinder you in dealing with these issues. It does not make you an arsehole.

The old 'if this was a friend would you let it carry on?' is worth thinking about.

Cut all ties for your own sanity. Again, you do not owe him a thing. He is offering you nothing but pain and misery. You will not lose anything if you do because you had nothing to begin with.

But there is a little light, you know who he is. You have that piece in 'your' puzzle. You have a face to a name, you can see the qualities (if any) you got from your bio-dad and mum and those that are entirely unique to you. At the very least, from reaching out you have that little bit of positivity to grasp on to.

NamasteGirl Mon 03-Aug-15 19:10:00

Thank you for your input. I guess there is part of me that hopes in vain that he will suddenly change and make everything alright, but I know he won't really. I'm so fucked off, there is nowhere for my anger to go. No point in saying shit to him, he won't change and he will probably get arsey at me. I want to scream and cry.
I know I need some counselling for this. Ds starts school in 5 weeks so I'm going to line up some sessions for then.
I think what has always confused me further is that he doesn't appear to be the sort of person who would be a crap dad- he is intelligent, funny, soulful, a successful businessman.... I was dead impressed when I first met him. I can't quantity all that with this guy who had given me years of confusion and upset.

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