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Relationships

It's only an FB friend request

215 replies

winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:34

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

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goodbyespeech · 03/08/2015 16:38

That's a lot of coffee for a couple exchanging flirty emails. Maybe there's more to it but you seem to be over that.

A friend request alone isnt something I'd be concerned about but I would definitely keep an eye on things.

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Jan45 · 03/08/2015 16:40

They met at least five times (so he says) and didn't have sex, you must be extremely naïve to believe this OP, I know you want to but he will lie, lie, lie.

Why did he not have her blocked in the first place - she contacted him obviously because she thought she could, unless she's a bunny boiler. It never ceases to amaze me that the OW gets all the stick basically 9 times out of 10 because the man is a lying toad.

What you need to accept is the trust has gone from your relationship, your resentment is aimed at the wrong person, it's your OH who needs to be on his hands and knees every day asking for forgiveness - not making it easy for OW to contact him.

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Ahemily · 03/08/2015 16:40

Poor you, winky. I don't really have any advice, but I know I'd feel exactly the same. It sounds as though your H is serious about cutting her out, which is great, but I can totally appreciate why you feel on edge. I hope that she gets the message and that you can both get things back on track.

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bgottalent · 03/08/2015 16:41

I would trust your dh on this.

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:50

He does apologise often and says he hopes that I can forgive him. He is contrite and we are both getting to a stage where we think perhaps we do have a future together.

She was outraged when he ended it because "we haven't actually done anything wrong."

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:52

He deleted all her contact details. Is very open about all his emails, phone etc.

He didn't know her surname and she told him she hated FB so wasn't on there. Suddenly she is on there.

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ImperialBlether · 03/08/2015 16:53

But who gets outraged when a married man tells you he has to stop meeting you in secret?! Is she mad?

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Tiptops · 03/08/2015 16:55

Don't ring her. You're right, you will look hysterical and silly. The person who needs to reject her is your partner.

As an aside, I don't believe they only met up for coffee. No way.

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:56

Well I think she certainly has some boundary issues.

They met at a networking event. She burst into tears when talking to him saying she was having a dreadful time with her husband. H comforted her and it all started from there.

I will never know the truth for sure will I?

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Jan45 · 03/08/2015 16:58

Sorry OP, this is all coming from your OH, he will say whatever to make himself look a victim and her the man grabber.

Good luck, you may well be able to get to a place where you are both happy, 5 meetings in my book constitutes a relationship but yet he doesn't know her full name.....there's a lie there, I bet she was always on FB.

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:59

He knew her maiden name.

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:59

And he has admitted and apologised for his total responsibility in the choices he made.

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Jan45 · 03/08/2015 16:59

And if he says they met five times, I'd guarantee it was double that.

Perhaps you do need to contact her and find out exactly went on.

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 17:00

He's never slagged her off or accused her of leading him astray.

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Jan45 · 03/08/2015 17:00

He had to admit it, you caught him out.

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Jan45 · 03/08/2015 17:01

How did he meet her?

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 17:01

If I contacted her to find out what happened, why on earth would she tell me the truth? She's not interested in helping me. I think she's testing the waters to see what is going on with him and me in our marriage.

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 17:02

Jan, hi. See my 16.56pm post.

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Jan45 · 03/08/2015 17:03

If they met at a networking event and she told him all about her miserable marriage, how would he not know her married name?

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Tryharder · 03/08/2015 17:05

I think you will come across as deranged if you ring her.

If you believe what your DH is saying, they were friends, supported each other and it might've grown into more had it not been firmly nipped in the bud.

Maybe she had no designs on your DH whatsoever and believed him to be a friend hence the FB request.

Or fancied him and sent the FB request on the basis that he might be interested in pursuing the relationship. But given that your DH has blocked her, that option is not open to her anymore if indeed, it was an option.

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winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 17:05

Because she gave him her card. And he gets. He chucked all the cards he got in the bin after the event. Then she called him two days later and suggested they meet again to help each other.

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Jan45 · 03/08/2015 17:08

No way do you meet someone at least five times and not know their full name, sorry OP, I just don't buy his story.

Anyhow you have decided to stick with him, so yes I'd just put it to bed now.

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DoreenLethal · 03/08/2015 17:17

Sorry OP but i dont believe they met five times for coffee, and that he didnt know her second name.

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PamDooveOrangeJoof · 03/08/2015 17:29

Sorry but his story sounds like a load of old balls.

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pocketsaviour · 03/08/2015 17:34

His story about her bursting into tears at a networking event sounds odd, but if you've both put it behind you and he's being open with phone, emails etc then I would say just let this lie.

Personally I would be tempted to ring her, channel Ray Winstone, and tell her to wind her fucking neck in, but it's probably not the wisest course of action.

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